When language fails...

The frailty of words

I’m listening to to Eckhart Tolle’s Meditation video on YouTube today.  If you’ve never seen him or heard him speak, please do yourself a favor and listen to the video above.  His gentle humor and sweet presence just radiate.

Forgive another apparent stream of consciousness style writing.... Obviously, I am struggling to grow spiritually.  I want to understand. As Tolle speaks of Spirit or “Presence”, a concept which defies words, he apologizes for having to use language to articulate what he means.  I understand. The phrase “when language fails” came to mind. We use words, labels, and names to make sense of our world, our experience.  “Good, bad, hot, cold, dark, light...” Words help us make sense of the external world.

We think words equal definitions.  Definitions are supposed to be objective, agreed upon meanings for ideas and objects. Meanings.... That’s just it.  Words are not just objective or generic in meaning. Words take on subjective, personal meanings.  They morph to our life experiences, to our thoughts, to our world views.  

Take the word “father”.  In the most basic terms, it should mean male progenitor of another, right?  But the word takes on so much more subjective meaning.  Society says “father” is not just a biological progenitor. Father must also mean a man who cares for, shows love to, is faithful to, loyal to, and protects his family.  This is an ideal father, right?  But how many people do you actually know who had an ideal dad?  So when the the word “father” is spoken in conversation with all of its hidden assumptions of what that word means, all of its societal expectations of perfection in a man, our reaction to it will vary from person to person, even among siblings with presumably many shared histories. If your experience of “father” is something completely opposite...well, that word may be entwined with concepts of fear, disappointment, maybe violence...certainly not warm, fuzzy feelings, right?  

So many words and phrases are “charged” for us these days, right?  Conservative, liberal, democrat, republican, American, Chinese, freedom of religion, Christian, atheist, Buddhist, black, white, police, authority....the list could go on forever.  And to one person each of those words means one thing while to that person’s brother or sister, the words may mean something completely opposite.  

So I understand what Tolle is getting at when he apologizes for having to use words to communicate these concepts of spirit, presence, eternal life or energy.  Words are not objective, they are connotative.  They are subjective, shaped by my life experiences.  

When Tolle talks of Presence, perhaps you call it Soul or Spirit, I think of “I am that I am”. We use different words to communicate this idea.  Presence. Limitless. Eternal. Who I am is more than my story, more than my sense of self. Who I am is more than the limitations of this body. More than my ideas or even who I think I am or who others may think I am. 

Words help us articulate, but also label. Tree, beauty, lizard, rock, sky, fear, love, hate, past, future, now, spirit, thoughts, presence. Labels can be helpful, but also limit... the great paradox. We reject labels, but use words to express.  As long as I am continually labeling everything and everyone around me, I am still stuck in my thoughts.  Trapped by these limitations of words.  Naming can be liberating.  I think of the people I have known and heard of over the years who have changed their names.  Saul, the guy who was persecuting Christ followers, became Saint Paul.  Jacob, who was the deceiver, became Israel, the guy who was transformed by God.  Some indigenous cultures believe that everyone has a secret name, a name which they receive when they enter adulthood.  They go into the forest alone for an extended period and receive their new secret name, not a name given by others, but a name which they discover for themselves.  

There can be power in naming.  If something is oppressive, there can be power in naming that oppression. But naming can also bring limitations.  We may start to believe that we are those names: fat, ugly, unloved, rejected, lonely, unlovable, failure.  Think of all the things you tell yourself about yourself.  As Tolle points out, most of our mental chatter is useless.  Rarely, do we say nice things to ourselves.  So, names, words, and thoughts are powerful, but they are not who we are.  Who am I?

I am.

Michael A Singer often asks, “Who is in there?”  Who are you?  Who is the one inside you who is aware of your thoughts, your emotions, and yet transcends those identities? 

I could say, “I am light.”  Yes, but that is also just a label, a word, a limitation.  

I could say, “I am Gigi.”  Yes, that’s also true.  But when I think of who Gigi is, I attach all of my narratives, my histories, my thoughts and feelings to that name.  I might attach my self-concept or body image to that name.  Am I my body?  Am I my thoughts?  Am I my past or the stories I repeat over and over?  If I could pick my own name, I would pick Bodhi Ananda...Ananda means pure joy or the essence of delight, while Bodhi means enlightenment or awakening.  But again, these are just labels....

In the Tao Te Ching, the first precept begins, “The Tao that can be followed is not the eternal Tao. 

The name that can be named is not the eternal name. 

The nameless is the origin of heaven and earth. 

While naming is the origin of the myriad things. 

Therefore, always desireless, you see the mystery

Ever desiring, you see the manifestations. 

These two are the same—

When they appear they are named differently.  

This sameness is the mystery.

Mystery within mystery.  

The door to all marvels. - Lao Tzu

Who am I?  I am that I am.

I was reminded that King David used to command himself, “Wake up, my soul!  Bless the Lord, o my soul!”  He recognized that his spirit (soul) was in there.  THAT was the real him.   You can call it “soul”, “spirit”, “energy”, “presence”, “the inner self.... these are just names.  Names help my mind to categorize something.  But as Lao Tzu points out, as soon as we try to name it, we lose awareness of this nameless “is-ness” that Tolle speaks of.  It simply is.  It is not even an it. Using words like “it” automatically makes this concept an object.   I am.  I am that I am.  

When Tolle spoke about the concept of self, I was reminded of Jesus’ concept of dying to self. Dying to this twisted, weird idea of self. This is not about abstinence or denying ourselves external things, though he also chose to fast from time to time.  We tend to focus on dying to the externals, our “fleshly desires”, or as stated above in The Tao, “the manifestations” of our desires.  And that can be a part of it, too.  Because they are just noisy distractions, “wants, needs, don’t wants” as Singer says, clamoring for our attention.  But dealing with externals is easy-ish.  No.  This is more than denying ourselves what we want (like food or a new car).  This is about dying to our idea of self, who I think I am based on my history, my family, my personality, my list of accomplishments, my failures, my loves, my rejections, my foibles, my status, my wealth or lack thereof, my mistakes, my image of self, or even others’ images of myself, or my images of others....

We are more! We are more than our histories or repetitive tales about our past. We are more than our hopes and dreams for the future. We are now. We have only this moment. Eternity is NOW. The kingdom of heaven is NOW, not in the future. There is no future. There is only now. Now is continuous. Now never stops unfolding. Now is continually revealing itself. 

I am now. The past no longer exists. My story, my narratives which I repeat over and over to myself, to anyone who will listen no longer exist, except in my mind! Why do I keep bringing them up?  Because I have confused my past experiences with who I am.  Or worse, I have equated my past experiences of others with who they really are.  We tend to hold on to grievances.  You know that story of grievance you tell everyone about that one time someone said or did something to you that really hurt your feelings or was unfair?  You know people who are still holding on to something that someone else said over 30 years ago, and they tell everyone who will listen about this grievance.  My life is in ruins because so-and-so said something to me 30 years ago and I’m still holding a grudge over the incident.  Let me tell you ALL about it, again and again....  

I don’t want to keep living like that.  I want to transcend these awful narratives, the old hurts, even the plans I had for the future.  I want to live an open life, now.  I want to recognize now.  I want to let go of the past with all of its fears, wounds, joys, and “failures and successes”.  I want to awaken to abundant life, now. 

Wake up, me! Stir up the life that is you. This life, the real self, my eternal spirit is part of everything. That IS everything and everywhere and at all time. Because there is only now. This moment. Wake up! I am alive.  I exist.  I am that I am.  When I begin to remember that, I remember that I am Ananda (pure delight).  I feel energy and excitement over what is happening right now.  I am present.

As I come closer to the end of my walk, I wonder.  I can sit under the Bodhi tree and meditate like the Siddhartha Gautama or open my spirit in silence and isolation. I can be fully present easily in quarantine or my quiet time away from others. I often joke that I could be the most holy Christian on earth, if only I didn’t have to interact with other humans!  But how do I remain present to now when I am conversing with family or working? How do I turn off the continual chatter of the monkey mind? How do I embody presence when my family member is trying to drag me into their negative, fear-filled state, into an argument, or into their violent worldview? How do I "practice" this kind of being? I know that sounds like an oxymoron, "practicing being". How do I "do being"?   How do I maintain this openness?  Singer would say just practice NOT CLOSING.  Learn to recognize when you are irritated or disturbing yourself over something silly, like someone else making a mess for you to clean up or taking “your” parking space...

I don’t know.  I’m just starting to wake up.  I’m over 50 years old now and I think I’m just waking up for the first time in my life.  I’ve had moments of “aha” or brief glimpse of enlightenment, awakening here and there.  I’m enjoying the process, this pilgrimage.  And I have the rest of my life, the rest of now to continue to try to practice this openness, this transcendence, this awakening.  

I saw a bird on my walk.  It was sitting on a mailbox. I am present.  I am aware of my surroundings, the me inside is aware and feels alive and joyful just to be able to observe.  I thought of how birds were made to soar, but if I had only ever seen a bird egg, I might not think that. I might be content to just observe the egg and think “The egg is beautiful.”  Something about roundness captures our imaginations. We label it as beautiful. The egg is fragile. In its fragility, there is beauty, too. Perhaps because we see how easily that life in the egg could end.  A fierce wind or a cat knocks the egg out of the nest.  Smash.  Crack.  The life inside dies.  So we treasure the beauty of the fragile egg, the frail physical life.  But the egg is not the bird.  The egg, the part that I see, is just the outer shell.  At the right time, the transformation will take place. The bird was made to hop around on the ground, to sing, and to soar.  The bird was designed to defy physical constructs like gravity.

We, too, were made to soar, to defy social constructs and our own mental constructs like our concept of self.  We were made for more. We are more. We are enough. We are. We are now. 

Who is self? Call it Spirit, consciousness, awareness, presence. The I am that I am. It is formless, exists outside of time (sort of), because time is really a human construct. The only time that actually exists is NOW, the present.  The past no longer exists, except in my mind if I try to hold on to it.  And why would I let something that no longer exists continue to define me?  The future is never here.  Jesus said not to worry about tomorrow.  You have enough to worry about today.   In other words, you have right now.  Tomorrow never comes.  All we have is this moment, right now, continually. 

This is liberating, I am freeing myself from the old concept of self. 

It is for freedom that Christ has set you free... from your old concept of self! We were made for freedom. Creation? Have we always existed? If we are eternal beings, what does this mean? I think we were still created, even as a part of the eternal one. But we were made for freedom.  Spirit, soul, presence, that eternal part of us, whatever you want to call it, was never made to be caged inside our minds and bodies.  

It may dwell in here for a time, but we were made for so much more.  Our bodies may be made of the stuff of stars, but our spirits shine like the stars if we allow ourselves to live in openness in the present.