Today, I am letting go of judgments. That sounds like I’m noble. I am not. Maybe it sounds like I am patting myself on the back. I am not. I am learning to let go.
As I go through my day, doing all the usual stuff I need to do, after all, life is continuing on moment by moment, I find myself more aware of those imaginary conversations. They start out innocently. “Oh, that reminds me, I need to communicate something to so-and-so.” And then I find myself playing out an imaginary conversation in my head with So-and-So... and often my conversation turns to some kind of judgment about them or me. What I should have done. What I think they should have done or said or not said or how they should be enlightened... and now I am thinking that I am more spiritual than them... and... wait! What? I think I am more spiritual? If I think I am spiritual, that is just another story I tell myself about my identity. But it is a fiction.
Even the Bible points out that the “unspiritual person goes on and on about how spiritual they are, the visions they have seen”, the breakthroughs they have experienced. It’s like the Tao. As soon as I think I grasp it, it is gone. If you think you can name it or teach it to others, it is no longer the eternal Tao.
So, I am writing of my experiences, not to teach others or lead others down my path, but as a practice for myself to recognize when I identify with some form or another, instead of allowing the formless to fill me now. The forms most often take the shape of my fictional narratives, those stories we tell ourselves and others.
An example, as Tolle was speaking about the “pain body” on video while I was out walking this morning, I experienced it. As best I understand it, my personal “pain body” is the sum of my past experiences (as I perceive them) and emotional triggers set up by those stories in my head. For me, it went something like this.
I am crossing the street. I am here. I am now. (Pleasant feeling). I am grateful to be alive, to be aware. (Grateful feelings well up). I am aware that a car is approaching from the left and must stop for me to cross. A woman approaches from the other side of the street. She is thin, attractive, younger than me, athletic, wearing tight, “skimpy” clothing. (Notice all the judgments in that thought description). I think to myself, “I’ll bet whoever the driver of that car is doesn’t mind waiting for the other woman to cross the street. I should hurry. He (another assumption as I have not even looked at the driver to know which sex he/she/they might be) is probably impatient for my fat, ugly body to get out of the way.”
Whoa! So many assumptions. So many judgments of what I imagine is. So many completely fictional scenarios in that momentary thought. It was a thought which took less than a second to flash through my mind! Wow. I took a step back mentally. Stop. Breathe. Let it go. This is what the pain body does. I have the choice right now to attach all kinds of emotions to that “lie”, that fictional encounter in my mind, and then I could really hang on to that perceived threat or trespass or offense. I could really dwell on it. I could let my sense of injustice of being judged for my body really fester.... except, it didn’t happen!! It was ALL in my mind. The judgments against me came from me, from my own pain body, my own mental ruts or thought patterns. The judgments against the other woman were from my mind. I was quick to label her, to describe her in my mind. And yet, who she is is NOT the external body in front of me. Who she is is something formless and eternal and beyond words. The judgments against the driver, whoever he or she or they may be were completely in my head, my thoughts, generated by my mental patterns and assumptions. Wow!
In the space of less than a second, I had judged myself and two other strangers. Whew! But now, I had the choice to dwell on it or come back to myself, the real me inside who is formless and is present now. I acknowledged whatever body pain had led me to that judgmental thought process, let it go, and allowed my inner self to shine again. I am not my body. I am not my thoughts. I am free. I am that I am.
Even in the telling of this story, I realize that it is just that, another story. It no longer exists. That moment is gone. The only moment that exists is this one, now. The past is gone. It no longer exists. This morning is gone. Five minutes ago, five seconds ago, gone. The only time is now continuously unfolding.
So, I’m learning to let go, by being aware of my thoughts. As I go through my day, I begin to see how many of my thoughts are about what I want or don’t want, constantly judging, “oh, I don’t like that...” or “I wish such and such...”. How egocentric of me to expect the universe or others to act the way I want, or don’t want, when and how I want...
I’m learning to let go of expectations and desires. This is easy when I go into myself, the I am that I am right now. It is much more difficult when I focus on the future or the past (which are only figments of my imagination anyway). They seem so real because I have identified with past and future most of my life. Shutting off my thoughts, practicing being present now is hard. But at the same time, it is not. Because when I am completely in the now, I am free!
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