A Sunday morning note for my sister, my best friend:
C you.
Oh my gosh. I just returned from my morning walk and meditation.
When I pulled my phone out of my pocket, it seems my phone had ideas of its own. It had started this email to you. When I saw that it had even begun typing you a message, "C you", I decided I'd better finish the note. So....
I listened to another Tolle video.
I listened as I walked, then took my yoga mat and sat quietly for a few minutes, just listening to my surroundings, observing, stretching, relaxing... and yes, talking in my mind. I tried to silence my inner voice.
Boy, is it hard! Not the negative thoughts, I mean. It's pretty easy to recognize and silence those now. I've been practicing off and on for over 10 years silencing the negative chatter. No, the hard part is silencing all the thoughts, especially the part where I am assimilating new concepts.
I talk to my “self" now. Like, "hello, me" or "wake up, me!" Even those are words, but I try to allow my inner self, my inner eternal energy self, my spirit to bubble up. And when I can silence thoughts long enough, what Tolle calls "the space between thoughts", I feel .... joy, energy, light, enjoyment of this moment. I feel gratitude welling up. Feel is not quite the right word. It’s like I embody joy and gratitude. I don’t know if that makes sense to you. I try to focus on now. Being aware right now. This moment is all I have. I do not have the past. It is gone. It does not exist. That is a mind-blowing thought! The past DOES NOT EXIST. Only now, the present, exists. I don't have tomorrow or the future. It never comes. I only have now.
And now is pretty awesome! I'm alive. I'm aware. I'm present. I'm grateful. I have everything I need right now in this moment.
After the Tolle video on YouTube, the Law of Attraction lady came on, you know The Secret. Anyway, after listening to her chatter on about how if you followed her Secret program and your life still isn't what you thought it should be, if you are still unhappy, just subscribe to her and she will make you a personalized message so you can address all your subconscious negative self talk which is blocking you from receiving everything the universe has so you can be rich... the basic message? Let me manipulate you a bit more. Here's my fail-safe-get-what-you-want-and-be rich, powerful, and happy formula, but if that didn't work, it's your fault because your unconscious mind is betraying you and attracting all kinds of crap to your life. Just turn to me and I'll help you unlock all those negative inner thoughts that you didn't even know were there and like magic, poof! You will get everything you want and deserve.
Wow. I could actually hear how manipulative it was. It was all about the universe giving me what I want, because I deserve what I want, and the universe is supposed to give me wealth, things, opportunities, fame...whatever I think I deserve. The universe owes me because I'm using a secret, magical formula. It was so ego-centric.
I'm not saying she's bad. I’m not trying to be judgmental. In fact, years ago, her teaching helped me and has helped millions of others. It's just that I now see it as a "magic lamp", "name it and claim it" kind of teaching. There is definitely some truth in there. Yes, our words, thoughts, and attitudes do have power to manifest. That is true and powerful. But I no longer see the universe as mine to manipulate to get stuff.
And I think I’m starting to understand what Singer and Tolle are saying. Sure, on some level your inner thoughts manifest the life you imagine, whether it's filled with fear or love. Call it self-fulfilling prophecy. But as Singer explains, what you really want is not stuff or externals to feel complete. What we really want is to be spiritually open or awakened. And when we are, we recognize that we only have this moment right now and the universe is giving us what we need right now.
The best I can describe it is that we can go through life blind and not know it. Our thoughts blind us and distract us from who we really are, the I am that I am. We think we see the world clearly, but we are blind, lost in our thoughts. We think external things will make us happy, or not getting certain externals will make us happy, the "wants and don't wants" that Singer talks about.
But when we strip it all down, what we really want is to see, to not be blinded and stumbling in the dark, but to come into the light... to allow our own inner light to shine like the stars in the universe, to feel joy, enthusiasm, energy. To be joy and light and energy.
When we are no longer blind, we see that everything we need is here now. It always has been here now. I was just blinded before by my negative attitudes and thoughts and perceptions. We see that universe is not ours to manipulate, but to be celebrated. This moment is all I have and I celebrate it.
So, I guess I will "C you". No, that's the future which doesn't exist. I guess I could say, "I see you." Ah, I do see you and am grateful for you every time I remember you.
My intention for today is to practice being aware of now and letting gratitude for each moment emanate from me.
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