Dying to self

Jesus once asked "Who do you say that I am?"  Was he trying to boost his self-identity, his ego self?  When Peter declares "you are the son of God", Jesus says "yep!  That's it!"  He even goes on to say that heaven revealed this to Peter.  In other words, Jesus knew his true self. His eternal self.  Not the stories or lists of accomplishments or what the world tells us is who we are.  Even Peter got a brief glimpse of this eternity in the now, a glimpse of who Jesus really is. 

Jesus' friends came to him at one point to tell him that his mother and brothers had come to take him away.  Where were they taking him? To an asylum? To his father's funeral?  Who knows? But it used to seem so harsh to me that he would respond with "who is my mother?  Who are my brothers? Only those who follow me are my brothers and sisters".  I think I'm beginning to understand (and this also is a mental process, possibly an illusion).... who we are inside is not defined by relationships. Dying to that concept of self "I'm the child of so-and-so.  I'm the sibling of such-and-such"... these are just labels which we tell ourselves are who we are, but I am that I am. Even this idea comes with a warning against dualism.  Though we are not defined by our relationships, at the same time, we are.  This is paradox.  It is and it is not, both.

Later, when he says, "I have not come to bring peace, but a sword", this takes on a whole new meaning.   If the sword is dividing our thought form from our spirit self, our ideas and mental patterns of "should and must" from the real us, the inner eternal us, then yes.  I can see that mother, brother, sister... all these labels and false histories and unreal concepts of "other" and "self" will be in conflict.  It takes practice (not time, because the only time that exists is now continually unfolding) to let go of our mental constructs and social constructs.  When I let go of every idea I have of who I am: past experiences, body, fears, mental ruts, possessions, relationships, religion, belief systems, words to describe me, everything I used to define myself, I am left with inner presence now.  As I let go of all those conceptions of self, I find freedom.  And this brings the peace that passes all understanding that will guard your hearts and your minds.  

When Jesus met Pilate, Pilate asked him "Are you the king of the Jews?  Are you guilty of everything I hear your religious leaders telling me?"  Jesus responds with "That's the story you tell yourself."  He does not defend himself.  Because he has already died to this sense of self long ago.  So murderous accusations fly... so what? Jesus knows who he is.  He knows that this human body with all its thoughts and emotions and constructs, even this world, the social structures, and the physical universe are only a temporary form.  The real Christ is formless, eternal, in all and through all, without him nothing was made that was made, the entire universe is suspended and held together in his being.  

  

Jesus dying on the cross understood this, that even when terrible things happen, something greater in us arises.  Being in the power of this moment, he is able to say, "Father, forgive them.  They don't understand. Don't hold this against them" (this was probably more for the humans standing around the cross). This is the something greater, infinitely vaster than that which only appears temporarily in the moment, the form — the disaster. ...- Tolle 

John the Baptist got this, too.  He said, I must decrease and he must increase.   He knew what dying to self meant. John recognizes the real self and "dies" to the Ego self.  So even though John was also facing imminent death, he also understood this incredible peace.  If he had been still attached to his ego-self, he would have railed against the injustice being done to him.  He would have rallied his supporters and denounced Herod and his wickedness.  And when John's disciples came to him to ask about this upstart Jesus (who does he think he is anyway?), John did not try to cling to his disciples and say, "Don't follow him.  Stay with me.  Only I have insight."  No, he said, "I must decrease so that he may increase. My time is up.  I'm letting go. I'm at peace with what is."

John the Baptist knew this Deep Silence, stillness amid chaos, noise, distraction.  You can hear the silence in the midst of chaos. Psalm 46:10.  This is the peace that passes all understanding, that fills you up.  You sense it.  You know it is in you and is greater than you, greater than your body, greater than your mind.  You know it is there.  

Jesus said to seek the kingdom first, then what you need will come, too.  He also said, If someone tells you, 'Oh, Jesus is over here or over there or on this mountain.'  Don't go looking for me.  I'm not there.  When I come, you will know it."  He said the Holy Spirit would be with us, comfort us, and guide us into all truth.  He is in us.  The eternal one is here now.  You don't have to go looking for him.  He is with the broken hearted.  When you tire of your false self, he is here now. 

This is why The Lord's Prayer makes sense now. 

• Our father in heaven —- God is not in some other place .  Jesus pointed this out in John 4.  God is in you.  The kingdom of heaven is near, in you, now. 
• Hallowed be your name.  What name?  The I am that I am.  Names just point us in the right direction...
• Thy kingdom come (now). Thy will be done (now) on earth as it is in heaven.  This is a surrender to what is, not a giving up.  It’s not a "Oh I can never change this situation."  It's a, "Yes to you in me now".  I surrender in this moment.  
• Give us today, this moment, our daily bread, what we need.  This is not about the future.  The story of the Israelites wandering in the desert and getting manna on a daily basis is a perfect example of this.  No one was to hoard more for later.  It had to be gathered daily or else it began to rot. Manna was another great example of this kind of provision which cannot be named.  In fact, "manna" means "what is it?".  Now is the only time.  The past does not exist anymore.  The future never comes, except as this moment, now, continuously unfolding.
• Forgive us as we forgive others... as we let go of all judgments against ourselves and others.  We are one.  We are interconnected.  All of life flows in us.  We are not separate from “others.”  So we love, forgive others, treat others as ourselves.  What we do to others, we do to ourselves. 
• and lead us not into temptation... the temptation of seeing others as objects or the stories and opinions I have about them.  The temptation to see myself as only my thoughts or emotions, and not the real inner presence that is me.
• But deliver us right now from evil— if my negative thoughts and constructs limit me, how much more do I imprison others with my ideas about them? Help me to accept what is and not label it: good or evil.  But surrender in this moment to what is.  
• For yours is the kingdom (the infinite), and the power (of being), and the glory (the incredible vastness of light and love) forever (now infinitely unfolding).   Amen.

Jesus and the Tao (6)

Judge not (get out of your head, thoughts), lest you be judged. This statement deals specifically with our thought self, the stories and narratives which run continually in our minds about others.  See Matthew 7.   Want to know what Jesus really thought, how he lived?  Re-read Matthew chapters 4-7.  When we let go of this egoic self, life takes on a whole new meaning.

Jesus also said, “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light”. What does that even mean? Why? When we let go of our “thought self”, we don’t have to be driven by this false sense of self which our minds construct about not only us but also others.  We are not what we think.  “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he” is true only on the level of false construction.  

But who we are is light, not heavy.  Do you feel heavy, burdened down? Let go of your egoic self. Letting go of these fake identities or distractions and illusions is liberating.  This is real freedom!  Tolle talks about these constructs or forms (made up in our thoughts) as being like massive steam engines on the Titanic.  Massive, enormous, space consuming, HUGE, powerful engines which do NOT stop on a dime.  There is momentum when people are so identified with their ego-self, that is their ideas of who they think they are and who they think others are.  They will chug right at you, hoping to pull you into their wake with powerful emotional energy or to feed on your pain energy.  This egoic self is destructive to myself and others.  

Sure, at times, my ego feels temporarily satisfied, but watch how quickly it turns into desire (a future want or don’t want or projection) or regret (focus on the no-longer existent past). The terrible thing is that this emotional energy which is all tied with these fictitious stories about myself and others is destructive and all-consuming.  Once these engines have fired up, there is little to stop them. They perpetuate themselves, feeding on pain energy from self and others, like those Titanic engines heading toward the hidden iceberg.  “And you know what happened to the Titanic,” he quips (See the Omega retreat 2001).  

The good news is that we don’t have to stay in that heaviness anymore, the heaviness of those mental engines.  By practice of presence now, by staying in this moment, we can be free. 

Tolle says to practice presence with nature first: a tree, a rock, a flower.   It’s easier than people. It takes a lot more presence to deal with people and not get sucked into their thought engines, their stories.   Jesus said, “consider the lilies of the field how they neither toil nor spin.”  So, today, I’m contemplating a tree.  Just accepting what is.  Not judging it or trying to make it fit into some grand design or plan or end goal.   Just observing.  And when I focus on right now, I’m less consumed with worries about what will happen later or what happened in the past.  

Form and formless: the shape of water

Form and formless

Even in the Old Testament, we see numerous examples of God showing us that forms are only temporary pointers to the formless. I was dreaming about this last night. In my dream, I was reminded that when Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt, people began to grumble and complain, asking, "Why are we following this madman Moses out into the desert? We are going to die. Slavery was better than this..." So God appeared to them in a formless form, right? He appeared as a Cloud of Smoke by day and a Pillar of Fire by night. Interesting that God chose a shifting, ethereal form which could not be held or sculpted, eh? Even then, the people still wanted a solid form to worship. They made the golden calf with the help of Aaron. It's such a human mindset, isn't it, to want to cling to something external to feel content?

I also dreamed about the story of Jacob (later named Israel) and his twin brother Esau. In the story, Jacob convinces Esau to give up his birthright. And Esau readily consents. Why? And why was Esau then furious later when Jacob tricked his father into giving his blessing to him instead of Esau? I never understood this weird dynamic before. Why was Jacob, a deceiver and manipulator, considered the hero of this story?

 Not that I condone lying and manipulation, but I think I'm beginning to understand...maybe. It's not so much a story about Jacob as it is a cautionary tale about Esau. Esau was so caught up in his own head, his "identity" as a mighty hunter, his thought patterns. So he goes out hunting for big game for days on end, alone. Esau has hung his whole identity on this image of himself and others' image of him as a great hunter, the guy who is capable of taking care of business, the guy who gets things done, the winner, the big, good-looking athlete. We know from the story that he is hot tempered, easily angered, complaining. And when he fails at his task, his self image is shattered. He comes home, really hungry, and finds his little twin cooking with momma. Jacob has a pot of lentils. When Jacob says that he'll trade the food for Esau's birthright, Esau readily agrees. It had to be a joke, right? Just sibling rivalry? But this rivalry went deep. And Esau’s fatal flaw, so to speak, is that he glibbly trades the intangible glory of "birthright" for a pot of beans. Here is where the verse "Man does not live on bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" comes into play. Esau only looked to the external forms to sustain him, to satisfy him. He readily gave up the intangible for something external and tangible. He traded eternal glory for something temporary. He later regrets that choice, but according to their own traditions, what's done is done, no take-backs.

I dreamed also about Cain and Abel, another sibling rivalry, at least it was in Cain's head. In this story, too, one brother is content, serving at home, doing what he does with joy, while the other is caught up in the blame/shame/complain game in his own head. The "rule" or directive was that they should bring the first fruits (the best of the best, too) as a sacrifice to God. It was even supposed to be a perfect lamb. Abel wasn't into animal husbandry but into growing fruits and veg. And he gave joyfully of the best of the first fruits to God, the immortal, invisible one. Cain raised the sheep. But he didn't see the point in giving a perfectly good lamb to an invisible God. He grumbled and complained and fussed and got angrier every time his mind dwelled on it. He festered in his mind. Why should I give up something perfectly good? Why not give the lamb who is lame or stillborn? Who will know? I'm not giving up MY hard work for nothing!

Abel went about with joy, gladly giving the best as a sacrifice, while Cain grumbled and gave the least that he could. And when the day came that God accepted Abel's vegetarian sacrifice over Cain's stingy "meat" sacrifice (which technically was supposed to be the proper sacrifice), Cain lost it. He became completely unhinged. So lost in his thought patterns of complaining and making excuses for himself and trying to prove himself "in the right" that he decided in his heart to kill his brother. Of course! That's the only solution when you are caught up in the form of your thought patterns! Because changing an external, i.e., getting rid of your brother, is the logical solution to an internal problem, right? So, rather than deal with his internal issues by removing his attachments to the self-identity or the egoic self, he removed his brother...permanently.  Murder.  He was so consumed by his thoughts of jealousy and rage and his sense of offense (totally imagined according to the story), that he killed his brother, rather than deal with his own heart problem, the disease of his rotting soul.  Epic fail!

This is where the forms, or our inordinate dependence upon forms, fails us.  It is the great disconnect that we often speak of in sustainability.  The great disconnect occurs when we rely upon externals to try to fix what is essentially an internal or spiritual problem.  

This is not a type of gnosticism which says that only spiritual things are good and all material things or physical things are bad.  Again, the forms which are sometimes physical are there to point us in the right direction and indeed are a part of our identity, too.  But forms are only temporary pointing to the eternal formless one in us.  They are intrinsically tied together, but at the same time, the form is not the formless.  It is and it is not at the same time.  This is the paradox.  It is like trying to describe the shape of water.  If water is in my pool, you could say that water is the shape of my pool.  It conforms to the form it is in.  But at the same time, water is formless in its liquid or gas states.  The formless cannot be described only by the form it is in.  In the same way, my identity form (whether body or thought patterns and emotions) “holds” the formless (spirit) in me, and is a part of me, but at the same time, the eternal formless part of me cannot be described by my body or my ego identity.  This is the paradox of the form and the formless, like the shape of water.

The Buddha, The Tao, & Jesus

Here is a simple comparison of what the three have said about wealth, greed, or treasure. 

 Jesus: “Do not store up for yourselves treasure on earth, where moth and rust consume and where thieves break in and steal; but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust consumes and where thieves do not break in and steal.” 

Buddha: “Let the wise man do righteousness: A treasure that others cannot share, which no thief can steal; a treasure which does not pass away.”  The Buddha preceded Christ by almost 500 years, passing away around the year 483 BCE. 

The Tao Te Ching says (Chp 81), “The sage does not hoard. The more he does for others, the more he has. The more he thereby gives to others, the ever more he gets”.  The Tao was written about 300 years before Christ. 

Form and formless -Jesus and the Tao (part 4)

Today, I’m pondering this idea of forms and the formless.... this is why in the OT, God commanded that the people of Israel make no “graven image”.... do not make an idol out of a thing, a form.  Forms may point us in the right direction, but they should point us to the Eternal One, the formless, the Great I am.  Forms, like names,  may point us toward the God, like Jehovah Jireh, god my provider, but God is not only my provider.  That’s why there are hundreds if not thousands of names for God.  God is not the name.  

If I cling only to one name for God, I end up making a cult out of it, to the exclusion of other names or forms.  I cling to the form, rather than the formless.  

If I make an idol out of a certain teacher or guru or pastor, and I say to myself, “Only this teacher  has ‘real’ insight, everyone else is on the wrong track...” I have made an idol out of a form.  The teacher may point me to God, but the teacher is not God. 

If I say to myself, “my religion, my sect, or my denomination, my culture, my nation, my people, my political party are the only ones who really seek truth or are the only ones who follow truth”, then I have taken a potentially good thing like that denomination or group and I have turned that form into an idol.  

God wasn’t saying, “never carve anything or paint an image”.  He was saying that “forms can point you toward me, but do not worship the temporary form.” 

Though my Christian family members do not understand, this is how I can have a statue of a Buddha or Madonna and child or crucifix and NOT BE TEMPTED TO WORSHIP IT, at all.  The Buddha statue may remind me to focus on inner peace when I look at it.  The statue itself does not bring me peace.  That does not mean that I worship it or look to it to be my god.   

The antique Madonna and Child music box, a simple tool for reminding me to take a moment to meditate, is not my god.  I do not worship it simply because it is currently in my possession.  This Spezialgeschaft fur devotionalien is not my god.  Just because I look at or keep it around does not mean I worship the Virgin Mary holding Baby Jesus.

In the same way, having a crucifix does not mean I worship the cross or that I pray to the cross. No, it is simply a form that may remind me of the formless, eternal One.  

The Tao Te Ching states, “Clay is formed into a vessel.  It is because of its emptiness that the vessel is useful....Therefore, what is present is used for profit.  But it is in absence that there is usefulness” (chp 11).  The form is only a vessel.  It is the formless which we seek. 

We are eternal, formless beings in a physical body (which is just a form) and with mind patterns and thoughts (also just a form).  If I capture fog or mist in a bottle, do you say, “Aha!  The mist is the bottle. Or the mist looks like the vessel it is in”? The mist is not the bottle, yet we believe our bodies to be our true identity.  At the same time, the form of our body is also a part of us.  It is temporary. The stories we cling to are also a kind of bottle.  We take great hope or wallow in despair, depending on how we see ourselves, how we perceive this bottle.  Yet, the thoughts and words are also part of us.  They are not us. They are a form for the formless. Forms do not last forever.

  2 Corinthians reflects the teaching of the Tao above: we hold this treasure, this mystery, this glory in jars of clay, to show that this all-surpassing glory is not from us (the projected mind-body image) but from God (the eternal who is in us).  

2 Corinthians 4-  “Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. 2 Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God. 3 And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. 4 The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. 5 For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. 6 For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. 7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, 14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. 15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. 16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 

This is the good news.  We have forms which point us to the formless.  But we do not fixate on the forms, they are only temporary.  And when we recognize the eternal one living in us, we have peace. We can accept with grace any situation that arises, because we are no longer attached to the old self or the outward forms.  

Can you capture the vastness of the sky in a bottle?  No more can you capture the formless, infinite, eternal one in a temporary, finite form.  Can you catch the sky and put it in a bottle?  It is vast. Infinitely vast.  Without end.  Jesus talked to Nicodemus.  What is spirit? Can you catch the wind?  

I think a better interpretation would be “can you catch it, hold on to it, name it, tame it, make it your property, put it in a vessel and store it?”  You may try.  It might even work temporarily, partially.  But you cannot hold on to it or make it yours.  As soon as we say, “Aha! I’ve got it.  I understand spirit”, it slips from our grasp.  

Our minds, words, thoughts, belief systems, and bodies are forms or vessels for the formless. They are not the formless.  They can point us in the right direction, but they cannot “hold on to it” or truly contain it. It’s like trying to fit the entire sky into a little glass jar.  You can capture some air and seal it in, but as soon as you do that, it is no longer the infinite vastness of sky.  It may be a part of it, but the infinite cannot be contained forever in the finite.  

Jesus and the Tao (part 3)

These ideas are not formed, but rough concepts which I hope to communicate in some small way as I try to deepen my own inner understanding.  This is for my own processing of this deepening presence.

I’ve been re-examining the temptation of Christ.  When looked at through this lens of  “abiding presence”, egoic self, and body self, the entire temptation of Jesus is about Jesus being tempted to defend himself.  When faced with a “need” (Jesus was hungry), he was tempted to look externally for fulfillment, right?  But Jesus recognizes, in that moment, when he goes into deeper presence, that in this moment he has everything he needs— “Man does not live on bread alone (or external things), but on every word that comes from the mouth of God (spirit).” 

At the same time, this was an attack on his ego-identity: “If you are the son of God, prove it.”  Jesus was being tempted to defend or preserve this image or ego.  Perhaps it was all of the wonderful things he had been told his whole life about how he would save his people or maybe all the doubts and fears others had had about him.  Was he really God’s promised one? If Jesus were still attached to his egoic self, he would have argued or felt the need to prove himself.  But in his deeper self, he did not respond.  He did not rise to the bait of arguing or attaching his sense of self to these forms.  Spirit is formless. It does not need to defend itself.  It simply is in this moment, it exists now. 

Perhaps this temptation was a “real” historical event during his 40 day fast.  Or perhaps, as with so much of Jesus’ story and words, this was a metaphorical challenge.  Don’t think Jesus was metaphorical?  Think he was literal?  Then, cut off your hand or pluck out your eye.  He told you to do that if you sin.  Don’t think he was metaphorical?  Then what do you do with all of the parables?  Do you think heaven is actually a coin or a pearl or sheep?  Or even the lady looking for the lost coin? The man who found the pearl and gave everything to have it? Do you think God is literally a shepherd?  No, these words, stories, and pictures are just forms to point us to the reality of God’s presence (the formless) in us now. 

Perhaps, these temptations were his lifetime narratives which he needed to overcome.  As Jesus faces his impending death of the body, he reminds his friends that even if they abandon him, he is not alone, because he is connected to God’s presence.  “I have told you these things so that you may have peace.  In this world, (these forms) you will have trouble. But take heart! For I have overcome the world” (John 16:32-33).

The second temptation was about his attachment to self or his body form.  This one was specifically a temptation to commit suicide.  “If you really are the son of God, throw yourself down (from the highest point of the temple).”  After all, the angels will rescue you... 

Just as Tolle points out, when our physical form is threatened, presence guides us.  We either flee or fight.  Jesus releases his attachment to his human body, not by throwing himself to his death, but by recognizing that this body is only a form which is only temporary.  He calmly responds with another truth: “It is written- Do not put the Lord your God to the test.” He recognizes the foolishness of this kind of thinking.  He responds from a deeper sense of self- the I am that I am, which is not destructive but abundant life. The mental form, which is made up of our thought patterns and personal stories, is very often destructive or foolish.   

We, in our own mental prisons of continuous adversity, often interpret this story as a showdown between Jesus and Satan, where Jesus argues with the accuser, and triumphs.  Oh, yeah!  Stick it to the accuser, Jesus, we cheer.  You tell him!  Prove that you are right and the accuser is a loser!  But Jesus recognizes these traps of self-defense, defense of a false-self or fake identity.  He calmly replies to these accusations and desires with a deeper sense of presence.  If you re-read these verses, you will see that Jesus is not even adversarial in his responses.  He calmly remains true to his deep abiding self, which has no need to defend itself. 

Matthew 4:8-11-  the final temptation.  In the Hebrew language “Satan” means accuser or adversary.  And this is exactly what our egoic minds do, they fill themselves up with judgments against us and others, constantly accusing, looking to blame someone for our unhappiness or loneliness or dissatisfaction with our lives, or looking for an enemy.  We make enemies or adversaries in our minds of family, friends, loved ones, ourselves, strangers, “others”, or even our circumstances.  We want to be “right” all the time.  We feel we must prove how right we are at all times.  This constant urge to prove ourselves right and, thus, others wrong, turns us against the ones we claim to love. 

Or we fight against or rail against our circumstances.  My life would be better if.... In our egoic mind, we are never satisfied with what is.  We hold on to past grievances, real or fictional, while we tend to project constantly into the future.  When I do such-and-such, then I will have arrived.  When I get that job, promotion, relationship, car, home, perfect body.... when I think positively enough.  Or when I leave here, get that other job, move...when I get out of this relationship.  When I’m not sick anymore... Or if only I didn’t have this pain, this suffering, this situation...  These are all external forms which we convince ourselves will make all the difference in our happiness.

Temptation number 3 is again about externals.  The accuser shows Jesus all the kingdoms of the world and promises Jesus fame, wealth beyond imagination, splendor, power.... You can have all of this, if.... If you will bow down and worship me.  If you will make me (your accusing, self-centered mind with all its desires) your god, look at all the power, glory, fame, popularity, love, and admiration, not to mention stuff you can get.  Let me run your life and you’ll be happy.  You can have everything you think you want or deserve. 

Jesus recognizes the futility of this looking for happiness from that inner list of wants and don’t-wants, likes and dislikes, judgments about people, things, or circumstances.  These inner mental constructs, if left to rule, would leave him deeply dissatisfied and out of touch with his real self, the inner I am that I am.  Because no true fulfillment comes from these external forms: power, position, wealth, fame, possessions, circumstances.   Jesus answers this mental, accusing, future-focused self with “It is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God and serve him only’.”  Jesus understood that abundant life is living deeply, in spirit, now.  It is not fulfillment in some fictional future wherein I manipulate the universe to give me what I think I want.  Practicing presence now, living fully present to this moment, I am free from that vague, unreal world of tomorrow.  And I am no longer shackled to the fictional past.  

Does that mean the past never happened?  No.  It just means, it no longer exists.  The only time that exists is right now, this moment unfolding now. When Jesus let go of his attachments to self, to past, to future, you can see how liberating it had to be.  And he is our example of “dying” to self.  There is freedom in this letting go of who I think I am or should be or who others think I should be.  I am that I am, now.  And in this moment, I have enough.  I am enough. God is in me.  The eternal, formless one lives in me.  That is enough. 

The Tao Te Ching says, 

“Which is dearer, fame or your life?

Which is greater, your life or possessions?

Which is more painful, gain or loss?

Therefore, we always pay a great price for excessive love

And suffer deep loss for great accumulation.

Knowing what is enough, you will not be humiliated.

Knowing where to stop, you will not be imperiled

And can be long-lasting” (Chapter 44).

Jesus embodies this wisdom in Matthew’s account of the temptation. 

Shining like stars

Philippians 2: 14-16. “Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may be blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life.” 

Do everything without grumbling or complaining.  Then you will shine like the stars in the universe.  I believe this is true and I think this is also the other way around.  When we allow ourselves to shine like the stars, then we stop our grumbling and complaining narratives in our heads.  

When we allow presence now to bubble up, we stop replaying all those negative, griping thoughts.  We recognize: I am not the bad news I just got.  I am not the identity I thought I was or who I thought others thought I was.  

We go around thinking that we know what other people are thinking about us... and it’s usually not pleasant... and we grumble and complain in our heads about how unfair it is.... but when we practice presence, we recognize that those are just thoughts.  

So when we stop the inner complainer or grouchy self, who is constantly offended by others, we shine!  And when we focus on now and  allow our spirit to bubble up, we shine and now we are able to silence that inner complaining voice, which is always concerned with either the past or the future.  

We can choose to abide now.  

Dualism, Jesus and the Tao (part 2)

As I open up to a different way to view the world yet again, I find myself struggling against my own dualism.  I’ve found a “better” way to live, if only my family could recognize that their way of living is awful... New way is better.  New way is freedom!  Old way, bleh!  This is dualism at its core:  this good, that bad.  People who think like me are wonderful.  People who don’t see it my way are terrible.  We want to label everyone and everything.  See my previous blog on the frailty of words.  

I’ve been looking at this dualistically, as if presence is not the form.  It’s not form, but it is. This is what the first Tao means.   Desiring and desireless are the same.  “When they appear, they are named differently. This sameness is the mystery.” 

The form is not who I am, but it is a part of everything, even if temporarily. Words, thoughts, body: these are forms, they are not the formless.  Yet they point to the formless, and in fact, they are a part of the formless, however temporarily.  

To embrace one, while rejecting the other is dualism. Dualism leads to dogma. Dualism leads to legalism.  “You are not spiritual because you believe such-and-such, but I am spiritual because I believe the opposite...”. Tao precept number 2- “All the world recognize the beautiful as beautiful.  Herein lies the ugliness.  All recognize the good as good.  Herein lies the evil.”  

When we label, we enter into that dualistic world: everything is either/or.  We declare that something is beautiful.  That sounds wonderful.  But the Tao points out that the labeling is “ugly”.  When we say, “that is good”, we have judged it, therefore, we are “bad.”  Jesus said, “Judge not, lest you be judged.”

Jesus saw the “acts of righteousness” of the Pharisees and pointed out this very precept.  As soon as we think, “Aha, I have done something good”, the dualism of that judgy thinking produces “evil”, pride, arrogance, superiority in me.  The Tao goes on, “Therefore, the sage produces without possessing, acts without expectations, and accomplishes without abiding in her accomplishments.”  

Jesus instructed us to do our acts of righteousness in secret, lest the form (that is the thought and action) be attached to our sense of identity.  The Tao instructs us to “get rid of ‘holiness’ and abandon ‘wisdom’ and the people will benefit a hundredfold” (precept 19).  This does not mean don’t ever do good things or go around being foolish.  It means “Don’t attach your idea of self to these acts”.  As soon as we cling to these ideas or words as descriptors of ourselves or others, we have lost touch with our spirit.  

In my eagerness to rid myself of my old way of thinking and being....I oversimplified as usual to the age-old habit of labeling.  Forms are bad.  The formless is good.  Forms like my thoughts and old narratives are negative.  Spirit is good.  While those statements may be true, they are also not true.  

Reminder to self: Don’t try to convert everyone else.  My path is not necessarily the path for everyone.  I may find it liberating, but others may find it appalling.  Even in spite of this, I still see dualism as evil, insidious, or a type of dictator, and I pronounce it bad.  But for someone who is trying to make sense of their world, perhaps duality is all they can perceive:  it’s good or bad, right or wrong.  Nothing in between.

Then I found this old blog and thought, “Physician, heal thyself.”

 

 It is unfortunate in any situation, whether in the guise of religion or education or corporation or whatever, when leaders use a prescriptive approach. I've been guilty of this myself. A prescriptive approach usually comes in the form of language such as, "Should", "Must", "Have to", "It's my way or the highway" or "You have to do it such-and-such a way or else..." or "There's a right way to do things and wrong way to do things..." This dualistic approach (right OR wrong, left OR right, black OR white, good OR bad) sets people up for failure, not meeting expectations, not living up to someone else's standards, guilt, shame, and grief. 

 The prescriptive approach in teaching says, "You must learn what I tell you to learn and how I tell you to learn it." In the corporate world, it may sound like..."This is the way we've always done it." It even invades our cultural expectations, "But WE don't do it like that. My way is the best way. Everyone SHOULD do it my way." 

 I have to laugh, because MOST adults begin to transform their narrow view of things as they approach the age of 18. We begin to question why we do what we do, why we believe what we believe, is it truth for us? We begin to differentiate ourselves from our parents' values and norms. We see that the world doesn't fall into Either/Or categories. Unless you are like my old friend, Bob....

I remember camping with him many times over the years. On one particular occasion, he actually told me that I had heated up the water (to be used to wash our dishes) wrong! I laughed! He was dead serious. At which point, I asked him if I had the basic concept of boiling correct: fill pan with water, apply heat to the pan, water comes to boil. He still insisted that HIS way of bringing water to a boil was somehow different than my way and that HIS way was better. (I'm still unsure to this day how our ways differed at all!) Bob earned the nicknames of Vanilla Dictator (for insistence that HE was the standard of normal and that everyone else should think and act like him), Fluid Intake Police (for his insistence on a road trip that my roommate could not and should not purchase a large drink for the road, lest she have to stop along the way to pee, causing delays for the rest of the group), and Herr Smith** (another reference to his dictator style).  ** I've changed my old friend's name to protect his identity and also in faith that perhaps even he has opened his perspectives a bit in the last few years. 

 It's a human condition, this wanting everything to be black OR white, right OR wrong. Wouldn't the world be easier to manage, to navigate if everything was clearly marked? But it isn't. Christians have lived in the realm of Either/Or for too long. We have forgotten that Jesus was the Paradox King. The paradox says things are Both/And, both Either/Or. Didn't Jesus say that one who seeks to save his life will lose it, while the one who loses his life will save it? That's the paradox. If you lose, you also gain. If you gain, you also lose. It's BOTH losing AND gaining. It's not either/or. What is sad to me is that after all these years, we're still writing formulas for living. Do this. Don't do that. It's the same thing Jesus held against the Pharisees, not that they kept the law, but that they kept it to the exclusion of others, to the adding to the burden of others, to the exclusion of mercy and love and grace and kindness and peace. 

 But this is the danger inherent even in coming out of an abusive relationship like so many have had at Teen Mania, Open Bible Fellowship, pick a church or school or institution... the danger is that we the abused, in turn, begin prescribing a different way to live. We say, "Manipulative pastor or teacher or administrator, your way is wrong. Everyone else, follow me! My way is better!" And now, we have made a prescription out of our experience for everyone else to follow. 

 In Chela Sandoval's (2000) dissertation on the Methodology of the Oppressed, she would call this meta-ideologizing. It is the term used to describe replacing one ideology for another. This is the danger: in our zeal to break away from oppression and to resist it and to renounce it, we form our own ideology and condemn our oppressors and establish a new form of oppression. This is the point where those who were oppressed now become the oppressors! When our old oppressors don't see the error of their ways, we begin to persecute them for not seeing the world as we do, for not following our ways, our prescription for life. This is that delicate spiderweb on which we try to balance our lives, our being... following Christ without making our experiences the dictation and prescription for everyone else. Here the old Greek saying plays out well: "To thine own self be true." To which I might add: "And stop worrying about everyone else. Extend enough grace to them to allow them figure it out on their own, in their own time, in their own way." 

How easy it is for me to see the dualism in my old friend, Bob.  But the real key to spirituality is to recognize it at work in myself and to accept what is.  What is can be both form and formless.  What is can be good and bad.  What is can be liberty and oppression.  What is can be life and death.  I do not have to label it.  It can just “be”.  

Teachings Jesus had in common with Lao Tzu

In the following days, I will be examining some of the teachings which Jesus had in common with Lao Tzu or the Tao Te Ching (3rd century BC Chinese manuscript).  

Today, I’m starting with this idea of living in the now.  Not being obsessed with our thoughts about the past or the future.  But being fully aware and present to now, to what is.

Do not worry about tomorrow. 

Here’s what Jesus said, according to Matthew—6:25 

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?  27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?  31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

 

 

Jesus got it.  Now is the only time we have.  Worry is about trying to control the future, to manipulate it in such a way that everything turns out the way I think it should.  But we cannot control the future.  The future doesn’t even exist.  There is only now, this moment, continuously unfolding.  And even when I get what I think I want or don’t get what I think I don’t want, I’m still unhappy, unsatisfied after a while, because I’m trying to fulfill myself with something external, either possessions or people or circumstances. 

The Tao (precept 44) asks “which is dearer, fame or your life? Which is greater, your life or possessions?  Which is more painful, gain or loss?” These are externals which I convince myself that I need, want, must have or don’t want (like loss).  And yet, even when we get what we think we want, we are only satisfied for a short time until desire for more takes over, making us dissatisfied with our lives.  

Precept 46 says the real sufficiency comes from knowing what is enough is an eternal sufficiency.  It does not come from the outside.  It comes from within. This is the peace which passes all understanding.  This is the peace which fills us even in the midst of suffering.

Living now

Today, I am letting go of judgments.  That sounds like I’m noble.  I am not.  Maybe it sounds like I am patting myself on the back.  I am not.  I am learning to let go.  

As I go through my day, doing all the usual stuff I need to do, after all, life is continuing on moment by moment,  I find myself more aware of those imaginary conversations.  They start out innocently.  “Oh, that reminds me, I need to communicate something to so-and-so.”  And then I find myself playing out an imaginary conversation in my head with So-and-So... and often my conversation turns to some kind of judgment about them or me.  What I should have done.  What I think they should have done or said or not said or how they should be enlightened... and now I am thinking that I am more spiritual than them... and... wait! What?  I think I am more spiritual?  If I think I am spiritual, that is just another story I tell myself about my identity.  But it is a fiction. 

Even the Bible points out that the  “unspiritual person goes on and on about how spiritual they are, the visions they have seen”, the breakthroughs they have experienced. It’s like the Tao.  As soon as I think I grasp it, it is gone.  If you think you can name it or teach it to others, it is no longer the eternal Tao. 

So, I am writing of my experiences, not to teach others or lead others down my path, but as a practice for myself to recognize when I identify with some form or another, instead of allowing the formless to fill me now.  The forms most often take the shape of my fictional narratives, those stories we tell ourselves and others.  

An example, as Tolle was speaking about the “pain body” on video while I was out walking this morning, I experienced it. As best I understand it, my personal “pain body” is the sum of my past experiences (as I perceive them) and emotional triggers set up by those stories in my head.  For me, it went something like this.

I am crossing the street.  I am here.  I am now.  (Pleasant feeling).  I am grateful to be alive, to be aware. (Grateful feelings well up). I am aware that a car is approaching from the left and must stop for me to cross.  A woman approaches from the other side of the street.  She is thin, attractive, younger than me, athletic, wearing tight, “skimpy” clothing. (Notice all the judgments in that thought description).  I think to myself, “I’ll bet whoever the driver of that car is doesn’t mind waiting for the other woman to cross the street.  I should hurry.  He (another assumption as I have not even looked at the driver to know which sex he/she/they might be) is probably impatient for my fat, ugly body to get out of the way.” 

Whoa!  So many assumptions.  So many judgments of what I imagine is. So many completely fictional scenarios in that momentary thought.  It was a thought which took less than a second to flash through my mind!  Wow.  I took a step back mentally.  Stop.  Breathe.  Let it go.  This is what the pain body does.  I have the choice right now to attach all kinds of emotions to that “lie”, that fictional encounter in my mind, and then I could really hang on to that perceived threat or trespass or offense.  I could really dwell on it.  I could let my sense of injustice of being judged for my body really fester.... except, it didn’t happen!! It was ALL in my mind.  The judgments against me came from me, from my own pain body, my own mental ruts or thought patterns.  The judgments against the other woman were from my mind.  I was quick to label her, to describe her in my mind.  And yet, who she is is NOT the external body in front of me.  Who she is is something formless and eternal and beyond words.  The judgments against the driver, whoever he or she or they may be were completely in my head, my thoughts, generated by my mental patterns and assumptions.   Wow!  

In the space of less than a second, I had judged myself and two other strangers.  Whew!  But now, I had the choice to dwell on it or come back to myself, the real me inside who is formless and is present now.  I acknowledged whatever body pain had led me to that judgmental thought process, let it go, and allowed my inner self to shine again.  I am not my body.  I am not my thoughts.  I am free.  I am that I am.  

Even in the telling of this story, I realize that it is just that, another story.  It no longer exists.  That moment is gone.  The only moment that exists is this one, now.  The past is gone.  It no longer exists.  This morning is gone.  Five minutes ago, five seconds ago, gone. The only time is now continuously unfolding. 

So, I’m learning to let go, by being aware of my thoughts.  As I go through my day, I begin to see how many of my thoughts are about what I want or don’t want, constantly judging, “oh, I don’t like that...” or “I wish such and such...”. How egocentric of me to expect the universe or others to act the way I want, or don’t want, when and how I want...

I’m learning to let go of expectations and desires.  This is easy when I go into myself, the I am that I am right now. It is much more difficult when I focus on the future or the past (which are only figments of my imagination anyway).  They seem so real because I have identified with past and future most of my life.  Shutting off my thoughts, practicing being present now is hard.  But at the same time, it is not.  Because when I am completely in the now, I am free! 

A note from my pants’ pocket...

A Sunday morning note for my sister, my best friend: 

C you.   

Oh my gosh.  I just returned from my morning walk and meditation.

When I pulled my phone out of my pocket, it seems my phone had ideas of its own.  It had started this email to you.  When I saw that it had even begun typing you a message, "C you", I decided I'd better finish the note.  So....

I listened to another Tolle video. 

I listened as I walked, then took my yoga mat and sat quietly for a few minutes, just listening to my surroundings, observing, stretching, relaxing... and yes, talking in my mind.  I tried to silence my inner voice.

Boy, is it hard! Not the negative thoughts, I mean.  It's pretty easy to recognize and silence those now.  I've been practicing off and on for over 10 years silencing the negative chatter.  No, the hard part is silencing all the thoughts, especially the part where I am assimilating new concepts.

I talk to my “self" now.  Like, "hello, me" or "wake up, me!" Even those are words, but I try to allow my inner self, my inner eternal energy self, my spirit to bubble up.  And when I can silence thoughts long enough, what Tolle calls "the space between thoughts", I feel .... joy, energy, light, enjoyment of this moment.  I feel gratitude welling up.  Feel is not quite the right word.  It’s like I embody joy and gratitude.  I don’t know if that makes sense to you.  I try to focus on now.  Being aware right now.  This moment is all I have.  I do not have the past.  It is gone. It does not exist.  That is a mind-blowing thought!  The past DOES NOT EXIST.  Only now, the present, exists.  I don't have tomorrow or the future.  It never comes.  I only have now.

And now is pretty awesome!  I'm alive.  I'm aware.  I'm present. I'm grateful.  I have everything I need right now in this moment.  

After the Tolle video on YouTube, the Law of Attraction lady came on, you know The Secret.  Anyway, after listening to her chatter on about how if you followed her Secret program and your life still isn't what you thought it should be, if you are still unhappy, just subscribe to her and she will make you a personalized message so you can address all your subconscious negative self talk which is blocking you from receiving everything the universe has so you can be rich... the basic message?  Let me manipulate you a bit more.  Here's my fail-safe-get-what-you-want-and-be rich, powerful, and happy formula, but if that didn't work, it's your fault because your unconscious mind is betraying you and attracting all kinds of crap to your life.  Just turn to me and I'll help you unlock all those negative inner thoughts that you didn't even know were there and like magic, poof!  You will get everything you want and deserve.   

Wow.  I could actually hear how manipulative it was.  It was all about the universe giving me what I want, because I deserve what I want, and the universe is supposed to give me wealth, things, opportunities, fame...whatever I think I deserve.  The universe owes me because I'm using a secret, magical formula. It was so ego-centric.  

I'm not saying she's bad.  I’m not trying to be judgmental.  In fact, years ago, her teaching helped me and has helped millions of others.  It's just that I now see it as a "magic lamp", "name it and claim it" kind of teaching.  There is definitely some truth in there. Yes, our words, thoughts, and attitudes do have power to manifest.  That is true and powerful.  But I no longer see the universe as mine to manipulate to get stuff.   

And I think I’m starting to understand what Singer and Tolle are saying.  Sure, on some level your inner thoughts manifest the life you imagine, whether it's filled with fear or love.   Call it self-fulfilling prophecy. But as Singer explains, what you really want is not stuff or externals to feel complete.  What we really want is to be spiritually open or awakened.  And when we are, we recognize that we only have this moment right now and the universe is giving us what we need right now.  

The best I can describe it is that we can go through life blind and not know it.  Our thoughts blind us and distract us from who we really are, the I am that I am.  We think we see the world clearly, but we are blind, lost in our thoughts.  We think external things will make us happy, or not getting certain externals will make us happy, the "wants and don't wants" that Singer talks about.  

But when we strip it all down, what we really want is to see, to not be blinded and stumbling in the dark, but to come into the light... to allow our own inner light to shine like the stars in the universe, to feel joy, enthusiasm, energy.  To be joy and light and energy.  

When we are no longer blind, we see that everything we need is here now.  It always has been here now.  I was just blinded before by my negative attitudes and thoughts and perceptions. We see that universe is not ours to manipulate, but to be celebrated.  This moment is all I have and I celebrate it. 

So, I guess I will "C you".  No, that's the future which doesn't exist.  I guess I could say, "I see you."  Ah, I do see you and am grateful for you every time I remember you.

My intention for today is to practice being aware of now and letting gratitude for each moment emanate from me.   

When language fails...

The frailty of words

I’m listening to to Eckhart Tolle’s Meditation video on YouTube today.  If you’ve never seen him or heard him speak, please do yourself a favor and listen to the video above.  His gentle humor and sweet presence just radiate.

Forgive another apparent stream of consciousness style writing.... Obviously, I am struggling to grow spiritually.  I want to understand. As Tolle speaks of Spirit or “Presence”, a concept which defies words, he apologizes for having to use language to articulate what he means.  I understand. The phrase “when language fails” came to mind. We use words, labels, and names to make sense of our world, our experience.  “Good, bad, hot, cold, dark, light...” Words help us make sense of the external world.

We think words equal definitions.  Definitions are supposed to be objective, agreed upon meanings for ideas and objects. Meanings.... That’s just it.  Words are not just objective or generic in meaning. Words take on subjective, personal meanings.  They morph to our life experiences, to our thoughts, to our world views.  

Take the word “father”.  In the most basic terms, it should mean male progenitor of another, right?  But the word takes on so much more subjective meaning.  Society says “father” is not just a biological progenitor. Father must also mean a man who cares for, shows love to, is faithful to, loyal to, and protects his family.  This is an ideal father, right?  But how many people do you actually know who had an ideal dad?  So when the the word “father” is spoken in conversation with all of its hidden assumptions of what that word means, all of its societal expectations of perfection in a man, our reaction to it will vary from person to person, even among siblings with presumably many shared histories. If your experience of “father” is something completely opposite...well, that word may be entwined with concepts of fear, disappointment, maybe violence...certainly not warm, fuzzy feelings, right?  

So many words and phrases are “charged” for us these days, right?  Conservative, liberal, democrat, republican, American, Chinese, freedom of religion, Christian, atheist, Buddhist, black, white, police, authority....the list could go on forever.  And to one person each of those words means one thing while to that person’s brother or sister, the words may mean something completely opposite.  

So I understand what Tolle is getting at when he apologizes for having to use words to communicate these concepts of spirit, presence, eternal life or energy.  Words are not objective, they are connotative.  They are subjective, shaped by my life experiences.  

When Tolle talks of Presence, perhaps you call it Soul or Spirit, I think of “I am that I am”. We use different words to communicate this idea.  Presence. Limitless. Eternal. Who I am is more than my story, more than my sense of self. Who I am is more than the limitations of this body. More than my ideas or even who I think I am or who others may think I am. 

Words help us articulate, but also label. Tree, beauty, lizard, rock, sky, fear, love, hate, past, future, now, spirit, thoughts, presence. Labels can be helpful, but also limit... the great paradox. We reject labels, but use words to express.  As long as I am continually labeling everything and everyone around me, I am still stuck in my thoughts.  Trapped by these limitations of words.  Naming can be liberating.  I think of the people I have known and heard of over the years who have changed their names.  Saul, the guy who was persecuting Christ followers, became Saint Paul.  Jacob, who was the deceiver, became Israel, the guy who was transformed by God.  Some indigenous cultures believe that everyone has a secret name, a name which they receive when they enter adulthood.  They go into the forest alone for an extended period and receive their new secret name, not a name given by others, but a name which they discover for themselves.  

There can be power in naming.  If something is oppressive, there can be power in naming that oppression. But naming can also bring limitations.  We may start to believe that we are those names: fat, ugly, unloved, rejected, lonely, unlovable, failure.  Think of all the things you tell yourself about yourself.  As Tolle points out, most of our mental chatter is useless.  Rarely, do we say nice things to ourselves.  So, names, words, and thoughts are powerful, but they are not who we are.  Who am I?

I am.

Michael A Singer often asks, “Who is in there?”  Who are you?  Who is the one inside you who is aware of your thoughts, your emotions, and yet transcends those identities? 

I could say, “I am light.”  Yes, but that is also just a label, a word, a limitation.  

I could say, “I am Gigi.”  Yes, that’s also true.  But when I think of who Gigi is, I attach all of my narratives, my histories, my thoughts and feelings to that name.  I might attach my self-concept or body image to that name.  Am I my body?  Am I my thoughts?  Am I my past or the stories I repeat over and over?  If I could pick my own name, I would pick Bodhi Ananda...Ananda means pure joy or the essence of delight, while Bodhi means enlightenment or awakening.  But again, these are just labels....

In the Tao Te Ching, the first precept begins, “The Tao that can be followed is not the eternal Tao. 

The name that can be named is not the eternal name. 

The nameless is the origin of heaven and earth. 

While naming is the origin of the myriad things. 

Therefore, always desireless, you see the mystery

Ever desiring, you see the manifestations. 

These two are the same—

When they appear they are named differently.  

This sameness is the mystery.

Mystery within mystery.  

The door to all marvels. - Lao Tzu

Who am I?  I am that I am.

I was reminded that King David used to command himself, “Wake up, my soul!  Bless the Lord, o my soul!”  He recognized that his spirit (soul) was in there.  THAT was the real him.   You can call it “soul”, “spirit”, “energy”, “presence”, “the inner self.... these are just names.  Names help my mind to categorize something.  But as Lao Tzu points out, as soon as we try to name it, we lose awareness of this nameless “is-ness” that Tolle speaks of.  It simply is.  It is not even an it. Using words like “it” automatically makes this concept an object.   I am.  I am that I am.  

When Tolle spoke about the concept of self, I was reminded of Jesus’ concept of dying to self. Dying to this twisted, weird idea of self. This is not about abstinence or denying ourselves external things, though he also chose to fast from time to time.  We tend to focus on dying to the externals, our “fleshly desires”, or as stated above in The Tao, “the manifestations” of our desires.  And that can be a part of it, too.  Because they are just noisy distractions, “wants, needs, don’t wants” as Singer says, clamoring for our attention.  But dealing with externals is easy-ish.  No.  This is more than denying ourselves what we want (like food or a new car).  This is about dying to our idea of self, who I think I am based on my history, my family, my personality, my list of accomplishments, my failures, my loves, my rejections, my foibles, my status, my wealth or lack thereof, my mistakes, my image of self, or even others’ images of myself, or my images of others....

We are more! We are more than our histories or repetitive tales about our past. We are more than our hopes and dreams for the future. We are now. We have only this moment. Eternity is NOW. The kingdom of heaven is NOW, not in the future. There is no future. There is only now. Now is continuous. Now never stops unfolding. Now is continually revealing itself. 

I am now. The past no longer exists. My story, my narratives which I repeat over and over to myself, to anyone who will listen no longer exist, except in my mind! Why do I keep bringing them up?  Because I have confused my past experiences with who I am.  Or worse, I have equated my past experiences of others with who they really are.  We tend to hold on to grievances.  You know that story of grievance you tell everyone about that one time someone said or did something to you that really hurt your feelings or was unfair?  You know people who are still holding on to something that someone else said over 30 years ago, and they tell everyone who will listen about this grievance.  My life is in ruins because so-and-so said something to me 30 years ago and I’m still holding a grudge over the incident.  Let me tell you ALL about it, again and again....  

I don’t want to keep living like that.  I want to transcend these awful narratives, the old hurts, even the plans I had for the future.  I want to live an open life, now.  I want to recognize now.  I want to let go of the past with all of its fears, wounds, joys, and “failures and successes”.  I want to awaken to abundant life, now. 

Wake up, me! Stir up the life that is you. This life, the real self, my eternal spirit is part of everything. That IS everything and everywhere and at all time. Because there is only now. This moment. Wake up! I am alive.  I exist.  I am that I am.  When I begin to remember that, I remember that I am Ananda (pure delight).  I feel energy and excitement over what is happening right now.  I am present.

As I come closer to the end of my walk, I wonder.  I can sit under the Bodhi tree and meditate like the Siddhartha Gautama or open my spirit in silence and isolation. I can be fully present easily in quarantine or my quiet time away from others. I often joke that I could be the most holy Christian on earth, if only I didn’t have to interact with other humans!  But how do I remain present to now when I am conversing with family or working? How do I turn off the continual chatter of the monkey mind? How do I embody presence when my family member is trying to drag me into their negative, fear-filled state, into an argument, or into their violent worldview? How do I "practice" this kind of being? I know that sounds like an oxymoron, "practicing being". How do I "do being"?   How do I maintain this openness?  Singer would say just practice NOT CLOSING.  Learn to recognize when you are irritated or disturbing yourself over something silly, like someone else making a mess for you to clean up or taking “your” parking space...

I don’t know.  I’m just starting to wake up.  I’m over 50 years old now and I think I’m just waking up for the first time in my life.  I’ve had moments of “aha” or brief glimpse of enlightenment, awakening here and there.  I’m enjoying the process, this pilgrimage.  And I have the rest of my life, the rest of now to continue to try to practice this openness, this transcendence, this awakening.  

I saw a bird on my walk.  It was sitting on a mailbox. I am present.  I am aware of my surroundings, the me inside is aware and feels alive and joyful just to be able to observe.  I thought of how birds were made to soar, but if I had only ever seen a bird egg, I might not think that. I might be content to just observe the egg and think “The egg is beautiful.”  Something about roundness captures our imaginations. We label it as beautiful. The egg is fragile. In its fragility, there is beauty, too. Perhaps because we see how easily that life in the egg could end.  A fierce wind or a cat knocks the egg out of the nest.  Smash.  Crack.  The life inside dies.  So we treasure the beauty of the fragile egg, the frail physical life.  But the egg is not the bird.  The egg, the part that I see, is just the outer shell.  At the right time, the transformation will take place. The bird was made to hop around on the ground, to sing, and to soar.  The bird was designed to defy physical constructs like gravity.

We, too, were made to soar, to defy social constructs and our own mental constructs like our concept of self.  We were made for more. We are more. We are enough. We are. We are now. 

Who is self? Call it Spirit, consciousness, awareness, presence. The I am that I am. It is formless, exists outside of time (sort of), because time is really a human construct. The only time that actually exists is NOW, the present.  The past no longer exists, except in my mind if I try to hold on to it.  And why would I let something that no longer exists continue to define me?  The future is never here.  Jesus said not to worry about tomorrow.  You have enough to worry about today.   In other words, you have right now.  Tomorrow never comes.  All we have is this moment, right now, continually. 

This is liberating, I am freeing myself from the old concept of self. 

It is for freedom that Christ has set you free... from your old concept of self! We were made for freedom. Creation? Have we always existed? If we are eternal beings, what does this mean? I think we were still created, even as a part of the eternal one. But we were made for freedom.  Spirit, soul, presence, that eternal part of us, whatever you want to call it, was never made to be caged inside our minds and bodies.  

It may dwell in here for a time, but we were made for so much more.  Our bodies may be made of the stuff of stars, but our spirits shine like the stars if we allow ourselves to live in openness in the present.