Epiphany is to see clearly, to see the light.
(Video: I Can See Clearly Now, my own arrangement on piano)
How do I live that truth? How do I find it again and hold on to it?
Somehow this truth made me feel as though I were taller, graceful, beautiful. My head held high, my chin up, my shoulders back, I felt as though the world was open to me. I did not feel short and fat. I felt light. Like I was light and grace.
I guess it's a bit like when you're walking with your head held high, you don't see as much dog poop on the sidewalk. Your mind is set on heavenly things. You see the beauty all around you. You acknowledge the dog poop is there, but you don't fixate on it or let it spoil your mood or get sidetracked from the beauty by cursing the careless dog owners who let their pooches deficate wherever... Your eyes are on the prize, the beauty around you and the feeling that you are somehow a part of that beauty. You belong to it, too.
Returning to that same spot today, I thought maybe I could recapture that split-second moment of "aha" and "aaaah, I think I get it now". It was a blurry, on the edge of almost getting a glimpse of eternity, tiny fraction of a moment of pure expectancy, hope, wonder, bliss, calm, delight and joy all rolled into one.
Something my priest said during the online service yesterday triggered it...how we hear a truth, we know it, but it doesn't register. Then suddenly, we "see" it, the light comes on, epiphany. We suddenly grasp the truth we knew deep inside all along.
One of these truths was mentioned in the communion prayer: "We come before you now with hearts you have fed all our lives with the promise that you have given yourself for us." Something deep inside resonated with this and responded with a "yes, that's it! The Creator of the universe has always taken care of me. I'm going to be alright. I have everything I need." And my head went up, my shoulders went back, I stood up straight and tall, and felt powerful. Not in the "I'm more powerful than you" kind of way, but in the "yes, I can do anything" kind of way.
This does not mean that I don't have struggles. To be human IS to struggle. But it also means that we have these "aha" moments where we glimpse beauty, truth.
So this morning, I found myself wanting to relive that ephemeral epiphany... to feel again that sense of security and assurance and enoughness and power. But it was elusive. I reached the same spot. I searched my mind for what it was that I had sensed in this place. What was it that I was on the edge of grasping? Another friend texted. Drat it! It was on the tip of my consciousness. I shut off the distracting messages. I took a deep breath, & relaxed my shoulders. It was gone. But I remembered how my head felt to be lifted high, how tall I felt with my shoulders back. I walked on. It wasn't the same, but then I saw a friendly face as I walked on. I didn't know the man, but his sweet smile was enough to restore courage to my heart, hope in finding another glimpse of the eternal, and joy in the beauty of another human's soul.
Maybe sometimes we have to "fake it till we make it." Not that I'm encouraging false pretensions or being deceptive. No, it is more like a spiritual practice. We practice to become better at whatever art we are pursuing: piano, painting, writing, tai chi, whatever... I want to be better at recognizing beauty and truths. I want to be better at rising from the ashes and being reborn, like the mythical phoenix. So I practice. I say to myself the mantra my old Buddhist priest taught me: "Breathing in, I smile to my heart. Breathing out, I smile to my lips. Breathing in, I smile to my soul. Breathing out, I smile to my eyes."
As I practiced this morning, I was struck by a different "truth". It was more of a question. Why do I postpone my transformation? Why would I or anyone put off an amazing metamorphosis? Again, it is as though I were on the edge of something great. I know it is within my grasp if I just continue my spiritual and physical practice. Why do I hold myself back? What do I have to lose except fear, inhibition, soul-sucking disappointment? No. No more regrets. No more lying dead in the ashes. It’s time to be reborn! To rise again from the ashes. I'm jumping into this new transitional phase of my life and I'm coming out the other side a transfigured being.
Eckhart Tolle (A New Earth, 2006) talks about this transformation as an awakening of consciousness. He compares it to the metamorphosis of carbon through intense heat and immense pressure into a diamond. Or the opening of a flower. Or the formation of a crystal. What we are now is not necessarily the statement of who/what we will be for the rest of our lives.
And that makes me think of the amazing work of bell hooks... her research on storytelling and the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves is powerful. What kind of narratives are continually running in my head? "I can't,” or “it's never going to happen,” or "it's impossible,” or "I can never ...”
We know that what we tell ourselves can become self-fulfilling prophecy. So, I'm intentionally changing the narrative in my head. I don't want to wake up ten years from now and be the same me, with the same issues and struggles. I want to be a transformed-into-a-butterfly-me, the just-getting-into-my-best-self me. No regrets. I'm not going back to the habits that got me here. This is my season to plant new habits, seeds of change, and at the right time, I'll reap a harvest of grace and beauty!
So, what's holding you back? How do you find beauty? How do you pursue your best self?
No comments:
Post a Comment