Seeing the same stories in a new light

Yesterday's gospel reading at my little episcopal church (and every episcopal church around the world, for that matter) was from Luke 18:1-8. Jesus told his disciples, "Pray always. Don't lose heart." Don't give up. Then he told them the parable of the widow and the unjust judge. My whole life I've read this as an encouragement to pester God over and over and over asking for what I want. Don't give up, right? Ask and keep on asking. Pray and keep on praying. Ask for whatever you want, right? And that's how I've always viewed prayer, as asking for my circumstances to change, to be different than what they are. In rare moments of clarity, I asked for my perspective to change.

Yet, I keep coming back to the CS Lewis phrase that says, "I pray, not because it changes my circumstances, but because it changes me." I've mentioned this several times in past blogs. Yet today, when this passage in Luke was read, I heard it with new ears. Jesus tells this parable about an unjust judge who is moved to act justly for a poor widow who keeps pestering him for justice. He asks, "If an unjust judge would grant this woman's request for justice, won't God grant justice to his chosen ones who cry out to him day and night?" And for the first time I wondered, "Did Jesus say 'chosen ones' sarcastically?".

Does God really have people he treats better than others? Does God really love some people more than others? We say God loves everyone. But in the back of our minds, we like to think he loves us just a little more than others, don't we? That we are "chosen", special. Jesus knew his audience, his people.  He knew they considered themselves “chosen”.

But here is where my new eyes and ears saw and heard what Jesus was really saying (for the first time). Remember, Jesus spoke in metaphors all the time. He rarely spoke literally. He went on to say that God (or the universe or whatever you want to call this being-ness) is already providing everything we need. In this translation, the word is "justice". Won't God provide justice for his so-called "chosen ones"? Will he delay long in helping them? Of course not! God has already provided everything we need. But he goes on, "Yet, when the son of man comes, will he find faith on earth?" That's a curious question.  Let’s face it.  It’s an odd way to end a story of asking God for what you want.  When the Son of Man (i.e. a HUMAN) comes along, will he find faith?  What does that mean?  I’ve already addressed the Son of Man reference before, but I’ll point out again that Jesus always kept referring to himself as human, just plain human.  Yes, a son of God, but human, lest we get too caught up trying to make him god or king or Lord or Messiah.

He ends this by basically saying, "You've been looking for a messiah. I am a human, but faith is here and now, trusting that God already has what you need and will not withhold it. " I'm surprised he didn't just say, "Hey, you don't need a messiah or someone to 'save' you. You have everything you need already inside you." I mean, as I pointed out before, he did say that in his final prayer before he died on the cross, "Father, let them see that we are all one. Let them see that you and I and they are one." And when Peter proclaimed, "You are the son of God", I'm surprised he didn't say "Yeah, you are, too. That's the whole point of this good news. We are all a part of God because nothing in the universe can be separate from God. God is in every particle of the universe."

Now, I grew up in the name-it-and-claim-it religion. A greed-based, avaricious teaching which mimicked the Wall Street mentality of "get what you can in this life, even if it means cheating and fraud and manipulation", because for many Christians, the only "proof" of God's love and favor is actual monetary wealth.

Total bunny trail alert here: Which, as a side note, as unbelievable as it may seem to some, is why Christians who were raised in the 1970s-1990s under Jerry Falwell and Phillis Schlaffley's Moral Majority actually believe that Donald J. Trump is a "righteous man", "God's Chosen One", and why they can overlook every one of his moral transgressions so easily. They actually believe that wealth and power are a sign of God's blessing, God's stamp of approval on a human. This is not a new concept. Even Jesus' disciples firmly believed that earthly riches, wealth, and power, were a sign of God's blessing (whether gained ethically or not). Remember the guys being totally dumbfounded and asking Jesus, "well, gosh, if a wealthy man can't get into heaven, what chance do we have?" I wonder that modern American Christians seem to have forgotten that Jesus was poor. No wealth or political power? Modern American Christians would not give Jesus the time of day, let alone follow him!

In the Lord's Prayer, when it comes time to ask God for stuff, his only guidelines are to ask only for what you need day to day. This is not future focused. It's a reminder to be present. It also reminds me of the saying that the universe has enough for every person's need, but not every person's greed. Then he immediately instructs them to forgive others, which is to say, be in a peaceful frame of mind.

The Lord's Prayer is not a model for asking or demanding whatever we want. Jesus' example shows us that the state of your mind is the critical bit.  Remember the Lord's Prayer? It goes like this.
"Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil."- Matthew 6:9-13.

Right off the bat, Jesus acknowledges the eternal formless being that we call "God", or the "I am that I am", the Tao, eternal being. Next, we see a laying down of ego; "your will be done", not mine. “On earth as it is in heaven”.  Earth is the physical, finite, formed world, the world of form which comes out of the formless, eternal being or dimension.

What is heaven? I know what I was raised to think, that heaven was a future utopian state. And even that God is “up” in heaven looking down on us.  But even Jesus kept saying "the kingdom of heaven is near, today, now". His name “Emmanuel” means “God is with us”, better yet, god is in us.  He kept telling people not to go looking for heaven, but that heaven is here now.   We just were too dumb and stuck in our egoic minds to get it!   The Tao Te Ching says that impartiality (or not judging) is kingship. Kingship is heaven. Heaven is Tao (something nameless, formless, indescribable, and beyond possession). And Tao is eternal. Tao is just a word. Remember from the Tao Te Ching 1- 

        “The Tao that can be followed is not the eternal Tao. 

        The Tao that can be named is not the eternal name.  

        The nameless is the origin of heaven and earth 

        while naming is the origin of myriad things (or object consciousness).”

     (Parentheses are mine).

Tao is just a word which tries to point to our understanding of something which is too vast to comprehend.  Like "god" is a word. Unfortunately, language is limiting. As soon as we say the word, "God" or "god", people have all kinds of prejudices about the meaning of the word. If I use the little "g" form, "god", my friends and family get agitated. How dare I use the word "god" or (gasp!) “goddess” and not "God", which has a very specific connotation or meaning, one especially tailored to their ideologies. HE has a name. HE is not feminine. HE, FATHER, can never be a "she" also. HE is Jesus. How dare I blaspheme by using the word "god" or "universe" or "Tao"? LOL! These are the very same people who I am convinced would reject Jesus right now, if he came to them as he was back then, 2000 years ago, a poor carpenter, a human; a human who had an amazing insight into our condition, and no wealth, no power, no ego.

But I digress… back to the "daily bread" or acknowledgement of being in the present, not being greedy for more, not hoarding. Just being grateful for what we have now. And back to the part about "being peace", rather than beating ourselves up for missing the mark. This little phrase about being forgiven and forgiving our debtors is all about "being the peace" that we wish to see. Or as Jesus said it before, "loving your neighbor as yourself".  As many scholars and theologians would say, "Love is seeing the interconnectedness of 'others' and 'self'." 

Love is oneness, wholeness.  True love sees others as "us." It no longer sees the divisions that we create.  Othering is just another form of judgment, fragmentation, and violence. Actually, “othering” is the basis or foundation for all judgment, fragmentation, and violence.  

Some earlier translations left out the last line: "Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil." Since the earlier texts left this one out, I won't say much, other than that I believe "evil" is our own broken, fragmented, othering frame of mind. All the "evils" on earth? All the atrocities committed by humans again humans and the planet and other beings? It all comes from our disconnectedness, seeing ourselves as separate from God and everything. It's so much easier to commit violence against "others", because we think of ourselves as separate and superior. This was the original sin, after all, the rise of "self" consciousness.

In the past, I always saw this parable as an affirmation to pray to get what I want or need, to pester God to change my circumstances. Now, I see it in the light of understanding that my state of heart and mind are more important. That being present to now every moment of every day, being grateful or accepting of what is, is more important than asking for stuff in the future or the changing of my circumstances.

Peace comes when we have a much bigger picture of time and the universe and all the little things that happen along the way. That's how we can have peace in the midst of suffering. That's how we can have peace and joy in the midst of everything. When we see the bigger picture of the universe, we don't have to be rattled or agitated. We can experience joy and peace in the assurance that the "I am that I am" is eternal and that we are connected.  Paul said in Romans that nothing (nothing in the entire universe, in heaven, in hell, no one and nothing) could EVER separate us from the love of god that is in Christ.  And Jesus taught us that Christ, the Holy Spirit, the god-particle, the Buddha nature is in all of us.  Christ in us is the hope of glory!

Highlights and take-aways from Rich Roll podcast

Highlights from Rich Roll podcast 

https://youtu.be/pq-Y7R_WEm4.

My younger sister, in Australia, just loves the Rich Roll podcast for inspiration from super athletes to spiritual teachers to health and nutrition. The podcast is dated 9/29/22. 

Each of his guest speakers were insightful and gracious.  Below are a few thoughts from the last speaker in Roll's "A Spirituality Masterclass".  I’ve paraphrased his suggestions and added my own interpretation to them.  His final speaker was a monk who gave a few guidelines or rules for living.

Even though this might seem prescriptive, it can be helpful, as long as I don't make a "rule" out of these practices. Think of them as guidelines which could be helpful if I am open to their use as tools in this journey.

1. Breathe! MEDITATE, whichever form of meditation works for you, but practice daily.
2. STOP CRITICIZING, verbal vomiting! Stop judging others. Stop blaming life for your unhappiness. Stop judging everything.
3. BE TOLERANT. Be compassionate to self and "others" and life in general. This goes back to #2. Use wisdom? Yes! Just because we are tolerant doesn’t mean we cannot exercise discernment. Humility goes with this tolerance and compassion.
4. Take NO offense! Stop being offended by everyone and everything. Stop picking up other people's offenses.
5. Be a GOOD FINDER! See the good in life, in "others". Show appreciation! Tell others what I appreciate about them. What are they doing "right"? Express specific appreciation.
6. Be quick to APOLOGIZE.
7. Keep a list of BLESSINGS.

After listening to the podcast, I headed out for my walking meditation.  I tried to stay focused on breathing and walking and feeling appreciation for all life forms: mountains, air, trees, rocks, birds, lizards, people.

Thoughts still strayed toward "others", even feeling superior or "right", criticizing without saying a word, but I was able to catch those negative thoughts and feelings pretty quickly, then focus attention on NOW and here, gratitude, and breathing meditation.

If I found my thoughts straying, I would refocus on the breathing meditation. From Thich Nhat Hahn, here’s my favorite, uplifting meditation: 

        "Breathing in, I smile to my heart. Breathing out, I smile to my lips.

          Breathing in, I smile to my soul. Breathing out, I smile to my eyes."

Let love soften my heart and eyes. I began to think of the final principle laid down by the monk: make a list of your blessings.  What am I grateful for? Gratitude for ability to walk. Gratitude for breath. Gratitude for shade. Gratitude for the sky, the mountains.

My thoughts returned to God, the cosmos, the universe. To emptiness, spaciousness, and openness, to sacredness. What makes a person, place, or event sacred? How do we know? I think we recognize the sacredness of a person, place, or moment by our response to that emptiness, spaciousness, and openness. The emptiness, spaciousness, stillness, and openness are in us, we just don't see it or feel it all the time. But sometimes, we feel that connection to god, to the sacred. If God is in us, then in those brief glimpses of the sacred, we are experiencing God and "self" and connection.

The Tao Te Ching says that in emptiness, we find usefulness. The Bible also says, "In quietness and stillness will be your strength" and Psalm 46:10- "Be still and know that I AM God". The Tao Te Ching often points to emptiness, quietude, and stillness as the greatest virtues. See the Tao Te Ching 11 and 16.

        "Thirty spokes join together in the hub. 

        It is because of what is not there that the cart is useful. 

        Clay is formed into a vessel. 

        It is because of its emptiness that the vessel is useful. 

        Cut doors and windows to make a room. 

        It is because of its emptiness that the room is useful. 

        Therefore, what is present is used for profit. 

        But it is in absence that there is usefulness." - Tao Te Ching 11.

The Tao often refers to the state of being like a valley (or the feminine), it is in the expansiveness, openness, and emptiness that the valley is useful.  How?  Water is able to flow through a valley, bringing life wherever it touches.  Living on the edge of the desert, we see this daily.  Even in our worst droughts, we can see a green line spanning across the ravines and valleys.  Wherever you see green trees here, you know there is water.  The openness of a valley allows gravity to do its thing, bringing water down to the lowest places, trees thriving in extreme dry conditions.  So what does openness mean?  This quality of openness is being empty of opinions, judgments, and desires. This value is expressed in the Tao Te Ching 16. It opens with,

        "Effect emptiness to the extreme.

        Keep stillness whole.

        Myriad things act in concert.

        I therefore watch their return.

        All things flourish and each returns to its root.

        Returning to the root is called returning to life.

        Return to life is called constant.

        Knowing this constant is called illumination.

        Acting arbitrarily without knowing the constant is harmful.

        Knowing the constant is receptivity, which is impartial.

        Impartiality is kingship.

        Kingship is heaven.

        Heaven is Tao.

        Tao is eternal.

        Though you lose the body, you do not die."

This rootedness all comes back to the wholeness we find in stillness, in being empty of all opinions and stories. Parker Palmer wrote a beautiful book called, A Hidden Wholeness. In his sweet way, he reveals the wholeness which is already in all of us. For me, it is easiest to sense this stillness inside me, this hidden wholeness, in the quiet of the early morning hours when I just soak in the sounds of nature. But if I can tap into that hidden stillness or openness within me in the midst of chaos and the noise of everyday life, I find peace.

A friend is talking to me now, telling me a story in which she was offended by someone, I've listened to her complain and encouraged her to "let it go". I even encouraged her to do the breathing meditation with me after she vented for about 40 minutes. We even talked about the pain body, which Tolle speaks of, how we get triggered by something and nothing. We go into reactionary mode. And then our reactiveness feeds on the negative reactions from the other person, and before we know it, we are both consumed in reacting to each other's pain. It's vicious. We get so caught up in telling our own stories of hurt. Then we start to replay every painful interaction from the past.

So, now?  Yes, I'm sometimes slow on taking my own advice! LOL. Now, I'm shutting up and being the stillness. NOW, I'm just listening. I'm being the valley.  I'm the empty, spaciousness for my friend to feel what she is feeling right now. As she repeats the same stories of offense over and over, just like I have done in the past, I am simply being here in the moment. And in that quietness without judgment, I hope that I am useful.

Writing blues and keeping it real

 September is here… and my friend, Rusty, challenged me to write an original blues song for our band, The T Street Band, based out of Corona, CA.   Things are beginning to take off for the band.  It’s rewarding to be able to play and make music with this amazing group of musicians.  

I’m gearing up our marketing campaign for a bigger push at the new year: creating marketing materials, graphic design, contracts, social media, and reaching out to our wonderful fan base.  Our fans are our friends.  They are dear, sweet people who want to make the most of life, celebrate the ordinary, and dance the night away.  What could be better?  I can’t think of a more fulfilling way to spend my weekends!

As always, I never seem to have enough time to do everything I need or want.  I’m also singing with another band since April, Music Masters Big Band from Upland.  We have a gig in October and the rehearsals are a great challenge.  I do enjoy singing jazz, swing, jive, and big band tunes.  But if I’m honest, the dynamics of the band are strained and not fun right now.    But I’m not one to give up easily, so I’m sticking with them at least through the end of the year.  If the vibe of the band does not change, I will gladly surrender my position to another vocalist.  I’m sure they can find someone more qualified.  But for now, I split my time by learning new songs for big band Monday through Wednesday, and new songs for the blues band Thursday through Saturday.

In March, I decided to take a one year Sabbatical from leading worship with the contemporary band at my little episcopal church.  Though the music director has retired since then, and the church seems in desperate need of help, I just can’t let myself be dragged back in to yet another series of rehearsals and volunteering non-stop.  I’ve learned that no one should be dependent on me to volunteer to do everything.  It’s okay to say, “No.”  If I volunteer for everything, then other people who could be stepping up never do.  They think, “Oh, someone else will do it.”  But I’m taking a break from donating all of my free time, though I’ve been happy to share my time and talents for decades.  So, I’m saying, “no.”  Some people have tried to pressure me to come back, but I’m done with toxic Christianity, always demanding more.  It’s never enough, is it?  And maybe it’s less about others pressuring me, as it was my own inner drive, always feeling like I’m not enough, I don’t do enough.  So, I’m letting go.  And kudos to my priest, the Rev. Keith Yamamoto, who never pressures anyone.  Sweet.

Soooo, back to the challenge to write original songs for the blues band…Challenge accepted!  I figured if I could write poetry, I could at least write lyrics for a song.  So I started with a basic 12 bar blues tune.  You can’t plagiarize 12 bar blues, because almost all blues is based on this musical riff.  

Now, the reason Rusty Wise (lead guitar) and I started The T Street Band about a year ago is because we both share a love of playing the blues.  It sounds like an oxymoron to say I LOVE the blues, it makes me happy, but it does!  There’s something about it, for me, that helps me celebrate life.  Our joy in playing the blues tends to shine through.  But what to write about?

I recently heard a phrase in a Brazilian series, “the past is like old clothes that don’t fit anymore”.  I was struck by this turn of phrase.  It’s definitely in line with my own mantra of letting go of the past and expectations of the future to live in the moment.  So, in keeping with the common thread of angst in blues music, I wrote “Old Shoe Blues”.  The refrain goes something like: 

        Got them old shoe blues when you walked out the door

        Got them old shoe blues, don’t wanna see you no more.

        I thought I- needed you, but now I see that your

        Love’s like an old pair of shoes that just don’t fit anymore.

Eh, it’s a work in progress.  I wonder if other songwriters write and re-write and re-write and keep tweaking their songs….do they ever feel like, “That’s the best I can do, that song cannot be improved upon”?  Because I feel like I need to keep changing it.  Mind you, I’m sure they edit and revise songs, but I never quite feel like it’s complete.

Then, I felt inspired again to write another song.  Now, my brother-in-law kept pressing me for an explanation of the inspiration behind my second blues tune, “If You’re Looking For A Fight, You’ll Find It”, but I’m not dumb enough to look for a fight. LOL!   It deals with toxic Christians who go around trying to make the world into their own image, and who are never happy.  Obviously, toxic personalities are NOT only drawn to religion or Christianity.  Gosh, 99% of humans are toxic, always unhappy, complaining, negative people who judge life, the world, and everyone “else”, and can’t see that we are all connected.  I mean, keeping it real now, I still fall into that old mindset from time to time.  Hopefully, I am waking up more often and recognizing my own judgments.

So, for those who would ask, “Isn’t it hypocritical to write a song about hypocrites?”  Yes!  It definitely is!  I am a hypocrite!  LOL.  Aren’t we all? You know the old expression, “I just can’t tolerate intolerant people”, right?!   I laugh because I can see my own weakness in this song about hypocrisy.  One of the inspirations for this song I’ve mentioned before in this blog.  I’ve told the story before of the elderly woman who used to show up at our Portland State Sustainability Leaders Network conferences which were free and open to the public.  This poor woman could not see.  She wore “coke bottle bottom” glasses, glasses so thick, it was a miracle she could see at all.  Mr Magoo had nothing on this woman, avoiding self-inflicted near disasters due to severe myopia. 

Anyway, she showed up at one of our conferences very late, helped herself to a plate of food, and holding her various bags on her arms, made her way to our discussion circle.  When she began to sit down though, it was obvious to ALL of us that she was going to miss her chair completely.  Her depth perception must have been way off.  So, my dear, sweet friend Marcus jumped up to push her chair under her butt, saving her the embarrassment of falling on the floor.  Anyone in a healthy frame of mind would have thanked him for being so kind.  But she saw him out of the corner of eye and accused him over and over throughout the meeting of trying to take the chair out from under her!  No matter how many times we explained that Marcus was being kind and helpful, she refused to believe the truth.  Her truth was that people were out to get her and no one could convince her otherwise.  That day, I learned the valuable lesson that you get what you are looking for.  That woman was looking for rejection, and even though it was not the truth, she found it anyway, in spite of everyone being kind and respectful to her.  

Truth be told, I had overheard a friend the other day, listening to yet another conspiracy theory and bemoaning the downfall of the United States, and I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself.  It’s just so funny that we get so worked about everything and nothing.  It seems most people are in a constant state of fear, anger, and honestly, titillation about the past or the future, but never living in the only moment in time which actually-and this is reality- exists…NOW!  

LOL.  Apparently, every human on the planet is a victim of some injustice or another.  I’m not saying some people don’t have real suffering.  But it seems to me that most of our suffering is in our mindset.  It’s all a matter of how we look at suffering.  I know it’s possible to actually have peace in the midst of suffering.  In fact, we can even find joy sometimes in the midst of it, if we can see the much bigger picture of existence.  At the very least, we can find acceptance in the midst of suffering.  That’s the good news.  

So I wrote “If You’re Looking For a Fight, You’ll Find It”.

Lyrics: 

Verse 1- Woke up this morning

Dragged myself from bed

Stumbled to the kitchen

What was that you said?

Let me get my coffee on

“Cause I swear that I’m half-dead

Why you already kickin’ off?

Stop messing with my head!

Chorus: ‘Cause if you’re lookin’ for a fight, you’ll find it.

If you’re lookin’ to be right, you’re wrong.

You only get what you’re looking for

And, honey, you won’t have to wait long.

Verse 2-  Can’t you ever take a break

From the hatred in your mind?

Before you get out of bed each day

You’ve judged all humankind.

You just can’t stand THAT guy

And that woman, you don’t approve.

Why won’t everybody else

Just live the way you do?

CHORUS: But if you’re lookin’ for a fight, you’ll find it…

Verse 3-  You say you can’t be happy

Unless everyone agrees

With your every thought and self-righteous word

And your wild conspiracies.

You fill your mind with “shouldn’ts”.

You tell the world to be

Exactly as you command it,

But your stuck in misery…

CHORUS: But if you’re lookin’ for a fight, you’ll find it…

BRIDGE: You think your vision’s perfect

That everyone else is bad,

But woman you can’t see a thing

When you’re blind and always mad.

You think you’re full of light,

But how dark your soul must be.

You’re worse than Old Blind Bart, babe,

And as bitter as can be.

CHORUS: But if you’re lookin’ for a fight, you’ll find it…Etc.

Verse 4-  Aren’t tired of fussin’ and fightin’

All the live long day?

I’m exhausted and can’t take no more

Especially when you pray.

Your prayers are filled with judgments

For others not like you.

You say that you love Jesus, 

But God help you see the truth.

CHORUS: ‘Cause if you’re lookin for a fight, you’ll find it.

If you’re lookin to be right, you’re wrong.

You always get what you’re lookin for

And, honey, you won’t have to wait long

Oh, you only get what you’re lookin for

And, honey, you won’t have to wait long.

Oh, you only get what you’re lookin for

And, honey, you won’t have to wait too long!

Fog as a pointer to the eternal

 I listened to Eckhart again this morning on Touching the Eternal. It was a beautiful foggy morning. There’s just something about fog where you feel the mystery and the wonder of something that is formless. For me, it really is the best example of what eternity is or what the formless dimension is, even though, in and of itself, fog is a form of weather. But taken outside of that context and just accepted as it is, obviously, fog is formless.

I had several moments while walking with Eckhart (by which I mean that I was listening to one of his many books or seminars) in which I really felt like I was touching the eternal, when words kind of dissipate and you just feel the aliveness and joy and peace of this moment. When I allow myself to accept this moment as it is right now, I begin to feel joy well up inside me, because I’m not naming everything I see. I’m not labeling everything I feel. I’m just in this moment. I allow myself to simply be. And I allow this moment to take whatever form it takes, rather than reacting to it and fighting against it and being angry that something isn’t the way I think it should be or judging the circumstances around me or the people around me. Instead, I simply accept whatever happens right now. 

This is where eternity is, right now. Life can only ever happen now. Spirituality is being in this moment, living in the now. Heaven is now. God is now. There is no other time in existence but now. This is liberating when we can really grasp it. I know these are just words, and words are just forms, and forms are temporary pointers to the eternal, formless, God, consciousness, awakening. The words and language I use are only pointers to the eternal. And they can be turnoffs for many people if I don’t use the right language, say with my family, if I don’t use Christian language, then they will be turned off and they can’t hear the message or see the pointers which would direct them back to God and connection with spirit. But when I allow myself to just be in this moment, right now, when I see that life is now, when I understand that God is now, when I understand that time only ever exists now, when I go into that quietness and stillness now, I feel an incredible sense of freedom, of life.

I’m beginning to recognize that as long as I keep having these imaginary conversations in my head with other people who are not there, then I’m still dealing out of my ego self or the ego. Whenever I try to prove myself right or try to convince others that my way of thinking is the only way to see or view the world, then it’s still ego at work in me.  Or, as Saint Paul would’ve called it, it’s still the carnal mind at work in me. Paul was right when he said the carnal mind is hostile to God and cannot even comprehend God. He said spiritually discerned things cannot be discerned by the carnal mind. Tolle wouldn’t call it the carnal mind, he would just call it the ego self. No matter what we call it, it’s still  an illusion.

On another note, I was able to walk 4 miles in just over an hour, (yes, I’m a very slow walker) so my pace was picked up today and that is good news for my potential future trek in Ireland and Scotland with my younger sister in the summer of 2022.

In doing this, I recognize that as long as I hang some kind of future hope or significance or sense of self on a future version of me and my body, my mental state, my spirituality even, then I’m not truly being in this moment. At the same time it’s okay to have goals as long as I don’t identify or hang all of my sense of identity in those goals. For example, if I only think of myself as worthwhile if I am a certain weight and worthless if I’m not that weight, then I’ve kind of lost the plot. Even if I make being awakened or enlightened a goal, then that is the ego at work, because I somehow want to prove myself better than or superior to other people. So again, it’s not bad to have goals.  It’s only when I make my identity out of that future version of myself that it gets convoluted and it gets off track.

Spiritual enlightenment and family…

 I have nothing and I have everything.

I have a few days from today to practice being in this moment, accepting this moment as it is, to really embrace the spiritual practice of recognizing my own reactions to this moment, to recognizing what Eckhart Tolle calls the “pain body”, which is an amalgamation of all of my emotional responses to “triggers”, usually from family members. 

I am going to be around my family for a whole week, and it’s a great opportunity, I say laughingly, to put into practice this “living in the moment”, in the now. Tolle says that I don’t need more time and yet at the same time, this is the paradox.  I do need more time. I need more time to practice being in the now.  

On the one hand, I don’t need more time, because the only moment that ever exists is right now continuously unfolding. And yet at the same time (but that’s such a crazy word), I need more time and I don’t need more time. I need more time until I realize that I don’t need more time. I want to practice being in the moment and especially recognizing that ego self, that part of me that reacts negatively to others, that reacts negatively to whatever form this moment is taking, that is triggered by the pain body or the pain body that is triggered by things my family members say or do or how they respond to me, how I interact with them, and how they interact with me.  

The main reason I want to practice being in the now is so that I won’t be a stumbling block to them and to their own spiritual development.  Oh, my egoic self would love to try to feel better and try to say that I am somehow more spiritual than they are, that I am more enlightened than they are. But the reality is that it’s just another part of my ego trying to feel better about self, some false image that I put up in my own mind of who I am and who I think they are. And that’s just another form of judgment. So I guess the key over the next two weeks is really to be the observer of my own mind and my own reactions to everyone and everything around me. The spiritual practice I need is to pay attention to the complaining voice in my head, the judgment in my head, the critical voice in my head about others and myself, and to also be aware of when I’m being triggered, say by my sister or something the kids may say or something my mother says or whatever. I mean, obviously, family is the biggest trigger for our pain bodies. 

The paradox of this wanting to be more spiritual, of wanting to be different than I am, is that that in itself is a trap. Because ultimately who I am as spirit or as a spiritual being, is already enough. The Buddha said that wanting or desire is suffering. This always wanting more, to be more, or for life to somehow be other than it is, is a trap. It’s an illusion. Why? Because ultimately, who I am is already enough, who I am is enough now, the only moment in time that ever exists.

So when I start to feel overwhelmed, especially by wanting something different in the future or fearing something in the future, my challenge is to remember to come back to now, to be in this present moment, to accept life as it is unfolding in me and around me.  I guess my challenge is really to continue to live in this moment, to be fully present right now, and to be able to accept whatever happens in this moment, to be the spaciousness for my own family to be who they are without judgment, without negative reaction from me.

I’m listening to Eckhart Tolle in Touching The Eternal. In it, he says that now and life are synonymous. So my challenge for the next two weeks and, obviously, for the rest of my existence in this physical form, is for me to recognize what I’m being resistant to, the form that life is taking now.  I need to recognize when I’m being open to it. It might sound utilitarian or even self-serving, and in a way it is, but when I am open and non-resistant to the form that life takes in this moment, “good things” and I put “good” in quotation marks, “good things” come to me. And maybe it’s not so much that good things happen, as much as it is that I am open to the beauty and the wonder, the mystery and the magic and the phenomenon that is life unfolding all around me. Michael Singer says it’s much easier to practice not being closed than it is to practice being open spiritually. I think he’s right in the sense that it’s easier to recognize when I am in a negative state of mind than to try to make myself be open. So maybe for now my practice will go back to the simple “just stop judging”, stop being reactive to this moment, stop resisting what is and just accept this moment.

Can I recognize when I am resistant to this moment?  Can I recognize fear or desire? wanting perhaps for it not being this way? or can I recognize when I am accepting of this moment and the form this moment takes?  Am I in the surrendered state or the unsurrendered state of consciousness?

So the question I have to ask myself is, “Can I stay in this moment, this one moment that is eternally unfolding, the eternal now?”  It’s mind-boggling to think that I’ve spent my whole life worried about past, present, and mostly future that I’ve generally ignored now. And yet, now is the only moment in time that has ever existed, that can ever exist, that perpetually exists.  The form of this moment might change. Life is continuously unfolding, but only ever in this moment, now. Now is eternity. Eternity is now. Now is the only moment that ever exists and continues to exist.  When I embrace the form of this moment, I become who I already am.  When I surrender to life as it is in this moment, I become who I already am, and I am enough. 

Suffering comes when I am resistant to the forms this moment takes.  This is why Michael Singer called it the “Surrender Experiment”.  This is how we find peace even in the midst of chaos, of something horrific or unpleasant.  Am I complaining?  Am I railing against the form of now?  Am I judging what I think “they should” or “shouldn’t do”?  Am I complaining in my head about the weather?  Constantly complaining about others?  As Singer says, “Why am I disturbing myself about this?”  Because complaining makes me feel like I am right and the others or this situation is “wrong”!  The ego feels great, reinforced when it is “against something”, then it looks for the next thing it can complain about!  Discomfort or suffering can be my greatest teacher, if I accept it as it is!!!! This is the peace that passes all understanding!!! This is the going deeper into spirit.  Suddenly, there is space around that discomfort and there is an enormous peace.  Can I feel the pain or discomfort of being around family and allow it to be as it is?  Without complaining?  Without making a story in my head about this situation or that person or about myself?  But really be at peace in the midst of discomfort/ family conflict/ emotional reactivity ?   Can I allow my family members to be in their chaotic, suffering state without getting sucked into their ego drama? Can I watch what arises in the now? The discomfort? The anger? The pain? And not react????

Now is the eternal, unchanging one consciousness.  It is the essence of who we are, eternal presence.  That’s why I can never find my best self in the future. 

LOL: can I explore the timeless now over the next few weeks??? Ha ha ha.   Ram Dass famously said, “If you think you are spiritually enlightened, go spend a week with your family.”  HA HA HA!  

Can I allow this moment to be, without judging or complaining, but making space for it as it is? 

Can I allow the Holy Spirit to speak to my siblings in their own unique way?  Rather than me trying to use poor words to try to convince them of my “truth”?  Can I be led by the spirit, not project or rehearse my arguments?  Can I drop this fighting mode?  Can I unconditionally love and accept them?  I can only do this if I stay focused on the now.  

I feel peace and joy and sadness all at once right now.  I weep over the beauty of these moments and insights shared with Tolle.  Everything comes out of vast stillness.  If I want to be love for my family, I must embrace the stillness of this moment and allow my family to experience that in their own way, without judgment from me.