I have nothing and I have everything.
I have a few days from today to practice being in this moment, accepting this moment as it is, to really embrace the spiritual practice of recognizing my own reactions to this moment, to recognizing what Eckhart Tolle calls the “pain body”, which is an amalgamation of all of my emotional responses to “triggers”, usually from family members.
I am going to be around my family for a whole week, and it’s a great opportunity, I say laughingly, to put into practice this “living in the moment”, in the now. Tolle says that I don’t need more time and yet at the same time, this is the paradox. I do need more time. I need more time to practice being in the now.
On the one hand, I don’t need more time, because the only moment that ever exists is right now continuously unfolding. And yet at the same time (but that’s such a crazy word), I need more time and I don’t need more time. I need more time until I realize that I don’t need more time. I want to practice being in the moment and especially recognizing that ego self, that part of me that reacts negatively to others, that reacts negatively to whatever form this moment is taking, that is triggered by the pain body or the pain body that is triggered by things my family members say or do or how they respond to me, how I interact with them, and how they interact with me.
The main reason I want to practice being in the now is so that I won’t be a stumbling block to them and to their own spiritual development. Oh, my egoic self would love to try to feel better and try to say that I am somehow more spiritual than they are, that I am more enlightened than they are. But the reality is that it’s just another part of my ego trying to feel better about self, some false image that I put up in my own mind of who I am and who I think they are. And that’s just another form of judgment. So I guess the key over the next two weeks is really to be the observer of my own mind and my own reactions to everyone and everything around me. The spiritual practice I need is to pay attention to the complaining voice in my head, the judgment in my head, the critical voice in my head about others and myself, and to also be aware of when I’m being triggered, say by my sister or something the kids may say or something my mother says or whatever. I mean, obviously, family is the biggest trigger for our pain bodies.
The paradox of this wanting to be more spiritual, of wanting to be different than I am, is that that in itself is a trap. Because ultimately who I am as spirit or as a spiritual being, is already enough. The Buddha said that wanting or desire is suffering. This always wanting more, to be more, or for life to somehow be other than it is, is a trap. It’s an illusion. Why? Because ultimately, who I am is already enough, who I am is enough now, the only moment in time that ever exists.
So when I start to feel overwhelmed, especially by wanting something different in the future or fearing something in the future, my challenge is to remember to come back to now, to be in this present moment, to accept life as it is unfolding in me and around me. I guess my challenge is really to continue to live in this moment, to be fully present right now, and to be able to accept whatever happens in this moment, to be the spaciousness for my own family to be who they are without judgment, without negative reaction from me.
I’m listening to Eckhart Tolle in Touching The Eternal. In it, he says that now and life are synonymous. So my challenge for the next two weeks and, obviously, for the rest of my existence in this physical form, is for me to recognize what I’m being resistant to, the form that life is taking now. I need to recognize when I’m being open to it. It might sound utilitarian or even self-serving, and in a way it is, but when I am open and non-resistant to the form that life takes in this moment, “good things” and I put “good” in quotation marks, “good things” come to me. And maybe it’s not so much that good things happen, as much as it is that I am open to the beauty and the wonder, the mystery and the magic and the phenomenon that is life unfolding all around me. Michael Singer says it’s much easier to practice not being closed than it is to practice being open spiritually. I think he’s right in the sense that it’s easier to recognize when I am in a negative state of mind than to try to make myself be open. So maybe for now my practice will go back to the simple “just stop judging”, stop being reactive to this moment, stop resisting what is and just accept this moment.
Can I recognize when I am resistant to this moment? Can I recognize fear or desire? wanting perhaps for it not being this way? or can I recognize when I am accepting of this moment and the form this moment takes? Am I in the surrendered state or the unsurrendered state of consciousness?
So the question I have to ask myself is, “Can I stay in this moment, this one moment that is eternally unfolding, the eternal now?” It’s mind-boggling to think that I’ve spent my whole life worried about past, present, and mostly future that I’ve generally ignored now. And yet, now is the only moment in time that has ever existed, that can ever exist, that perpetually exists. The form of this moment might change. Life is continuously unfolding, but only ever in this moment, now. Now is eternity. Eternity is now. Now is the only moment that ever exists and continues to exist. When I embrace the form of this moment, I become who I already am. When I surrender to life as it is in this moment, I become who I already am, and I am enough.
Suffering comes when I am resistant to the forms this moment takes. This is why Michael Singer called it the “Surrender Experiment”. This is how we find peace even in the midst of chaos, of something horrific or unpleasant. Am I complaining? Am I railing against the form of now? Am I judging what I think “they should” or “shouldn’t do”? Am I complaining in my head about the weather? Constantly complaining about others? As Singer says, “Why am I disturbing myself about this?” Because complaining makes me feel like I am right and the others or this situation is “wrong”! The ego feels great, reinforced when it is “against something”, then it looks for the next thing it can complain about! Discomfort or suffering can be my greatest teacher, if I accept it as it is!!!! This is the peace that passes all understanding!!! This is the going deeper into spirit. Suddenly, there is space around that discomfort and there is an enormous peace. Can I feel the pain or discomfort of being around family and allow it to be as it is? Without complaining? Without making a story in my head about this situation or that person or about myself? But really be at peace in the midst of discomfort/ family conflict/ emotional reactivity ? Can I allow my family members to be in their chaotic, suffering state without getting sucked into their ego drama? Can I watch what arises in the now? The discomfort? The anger? The pain? And not react????
Now is the eternal, unchanging one consciousness. It is the essence of who we are, eternal presence. That’s why I can never find my best self in the future.
LOL: can I explore the timeless now over the next few weeks??? Ha ha ha. Ram Dass famously said, “If you think you are spiritually enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” HA HA HA!
Can I allow this moment to be, without judging or complaining, but making space for it as it is?
Can I allow the Holy Spirit to speak to my siblings in their own unique way? Rather than me trying to use poor words to try to convince them of my “truth”? Can I be led by the spirit, not project or rehearse my arguments? Can I drop this fighting mode? Can I unconditionally love and accept them? I can only do this if I stay focused on the now.
I feel peace and joy and sadness all at once right now. I weep over the beauty of these moments and insights shared with Tolle. Everything comes out of vast stillness. If I want to be love for my family, I must embrace the stillness of this moment and allow my family to experience that in their own way, without judgment from me.
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