Perspective from It's A Wonderful Life

I was reminded the other day of the 1942 movie with James Stewart, "It's a Wonderful Life", when a friend was repeating a story I had heard several times before about how she wished her partner would act differently than he does.  

As she went on again about how he should know that such and such bothers her, I remembered how we (that is, our egos) often like to complain about others.  We want them to read our minds.  We want them to do or not do what we think.  It’s a subtle voice in our heads trying to control everyone else around us, but not recognizing that our perspective is warped, that the real issue is inside us.  Oh, that judgmental little voice just loves to gripe about everyone else.  Complaining and blaming is a hard habit to break!

How I wished that I could tell my friend at that moment, “Hey!  Stop!  You are making yourself miserable with a partner you tell me all the time is just lovely.  You are letting your thoughts and emotions dictate your unhappiness right now, because you are focusing on him as the problem, when the real problem is inside your own self.”  So, I did try to remind her gently that she can’t change anyone else, ever.  She can only decide if she wants to continue making herself miserable by repeating this story over and over, or if she really wants to discover the joy that is right there, hidden at the moment, but lurking under the surface if she wants it.  I'm no relationship expert by any means.  In fact, I'm probably the family cautionary tale:  "Oh.  Watch out kids or you might end up single like your Aunt Gigi!" LOL!!  

But I have learned one thing about relationships: We tend to lose those things and people for which we are no longer grateful.  When we begin to try to blame the other person for our own unhappiness, we rob ourselves of the joy and love that is waiting for us.  We close ourselves off, wrapping ourselves in judgment of what we think others should do, how they should act.  We fall into the trap of judgment.  This is why Jesus said, "Judge not, lest you be judged."  Or "what you do to others you do to yourself".  Or even his whole talk about taking the log out of your own eye, when you obsess about the tiny speck of sawdust in your neighbor's eye.  When we judge someone else or blame someone else, we are really unhappy with ourselves.  Oh, we think it is all the other person's fault, that the problem lies with them. But the reality is that happiness is fickle, based on my idea of life's circumstances lining up the way I want them to.  When they don't, look out!  Here comes Misery...and he's brought his friends Blame, Shame, and Obsessive Thought.  You are already familiar with Blame and Shame, no doubt. Obsessive Thought loves to run over and over in our brains.  We play and replay what we should have said or done or what we think the other person might say or do... we plunge into imaginary scenarios- all completely pointless, unproductive, and UNREAL!

Now, for people who are in abusive relationships, I am not talking to you.  You might need another tactic altogether!  But my friend is in a very loving, supportive relationship.  She just had fallen into that old habit of blaming and complaining.  We all do it until we learn that we don't have to live like that ever again!  

Most people live this perspective every day- wanting life to be other than it is, because they can't see the miracle of life as it is. We grumble and complain and gripe and moan and kick the cat. We rail against life! How insane is that? We rage against life itself because we are so caught up in dictating to life how it must conform to our preferences! And when life does not do as we command, we rant about how unfair it is! We walk around with our judgmental view of the world, our list of likes and don't likes, wants and don't wants (see Michael A Singer, The Untethered Soul)! And when people and circumstances do not line up with our very limited ideas, then we are miserable and a misery to everyone around us!

If you are stuck on the same old storyline, endlessly looping about how someone else is unfair or does something you don't like or how they did something that hurt your feelings, you will destroy your own happiness. 

Can you see yourself in the scene or character below? I can.  I've acted like George Bailey more than once in my life, wallowing in self-pity, making myself miserable from time to time. Some people never get out of that pit, choosing to indulge in misery rather than change their perspective.  Imagine that!

From It's A Wonderful Life:

-George Bailey: "...It's this old house. I don't know why we all don't have pneumonia. Drafty old barn! (kicks kitchen chair) Might as well be living in a refrigerator... Why do we have to live here in the first place, and stay around this measly, crummy old town..."

-Mary Bailey: "George, what's wrong?" 

-George Bailey: "Wrong? Everything's wrong. You call this a happy family -- why do we have to have all these kids?"

Different perspective:

George is given the chance to see his life from a different perspective in this 1942 classic movie. His perspective changes when he is grateful for what he has! No longer consumed by thoughts of what he doesn't have or how life didn't turn out the way he wanted or thought it should, he learns to be grateful for life as it is. Gratitude opens his eyes to see just how wonderful life is.

-Clarence: "You see, George, you've really had a wonderful life. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to throw it away?"

Gratitude changes everything. It doesn't mean that life won't have hardships. Life is FULL of hardships. It's how we handle those that makes all the difference. And for most of us, 95% of our "hardships" exist because we can't get out of our own way, our perspective is warped. We cause our own suffering because we don't like or can't accept that this is the way life is.  We can’t see the hidden joy in every moment, blinded by our desire for life to be other than it is.  George Bailey still had to face the bank examiner, though his circumstances had begun to change.  But the most important thing he learned was to appreciate what he already had: love, family, friends, a community, a drafty, old house!  You’ll notice that at the end of the movie, he calls it a “beautiful old house”.  When we only focus on the lack or the things we dislike, we eat our souls away with regret, remorse, fear, hatred, and judgment for everyone and everything in life.

We want to dictate to life how it must be. We want to control all the externals; our job, our relationships, our home, our possessions, our image, our finances, our circumstances. And some of those things are under our control. Other things are not. Especially other people. We cannot control anyone else. We cannot make them be what or who or how we want them to be. We cannot make them do what we like, or not do what we don't like… we can ONLY control our perspective and how we react to life.  You see, joy is not dependent on circumstances or other people to line up and do what I want.  Joy is that ability to see that life is so much more than the challenges we face.  Life is miraculous in all of its forms.  Joy sees the eternal view of everything.  

If you are stuck on the same old storyline, endlessly looping about how someone else is unfair or does something you don't like or how they did something that hurt your feelings, you will destroy your own happiness. You are sabotaging the good thing you have, so you can repeat over and over to yourself how unfair life is or how much of a victim you are.

  

The ego loves to tell a story. Whether I am the hero or victim does not matter as long as it can tell the story over and over again. And it (the ego) especially loves to feed on negative energy. Please refer to any works by Eckhart Tolle for a deeper explanation of this.  

The only way I know to change this insane obsessive way of thinking is through gratitude. Gratitude does not change my circumstance. He did what he did. I did what I did. I made choices for better or for worse. Consequences still remain. Things happen. Tragedies occur. Life happens- good, bad, indifferent, glorious, horrific, sublime, awful… but how I perceive those moments makes all the difference. Gratitude has a way of seeing the whole truth, not just the awful stuff. It isn't a Pollyanna filter, through which I only see life as pleasant. Not at all. It just helps me see that life can be both mundane and divine at the same time. It can be both terrible and miraculous at the same time. Gratitude allows me to see the joy, miracle and absurdity of life even when someone is raging at me.

Gratitude becomes a lens through which I can perceive the whole world, but it does that through habit. It does not come naturally to the ego mind which always and continuously tries to defend its sense of false self to anyone and everyone who will listen. So, today, as another friend called to complain about something she wished were different or that someone would behave differently than they do, I took the time to remind myself to focus on one thing for which I am grateful.

I hold that thought for more than 15-20 seconds, so my brain can develop a new neuro-pathway for that kind of thought. I repeat that gratitude again. I allow myself to feel the gratitude well up inside me. 

You can do it, too.  Hang on to that feeling for a moment. Allow it to fill your soul.

Breathing in, I smile to my heart. Breathing out, I smile to my lips.

Breathing in, I smile to my soul. Breathing out, I smile to my eyes.

Allow yourself to physically smile.

I’ve shared in this blog before the story of going to the southernmost tip of India years ago.  In Kanyakumari, where the three holy waters meet: the Bay of Bengal, the Indian Ocean, and the Arabian Sea, a watchman is posted just off the mainland on a tiny rock/island.  His job is to wait for the first ray of morning sun.  As the first light shoots across the Bay of Bengal, we see it.  It is thrilling to see that first ray rocket across the water.  And then moments later, we hear the faint pealing of bells wafting over the waves as the watchman announces to the people, who have waited in darkness in hushed silence, that morning has come!  It’s a joyous, raucous moment.  Some people dance and cheer.  Others quietly pray.  Children jump and scream with delight. Some calmly enter the waters to bathe.  Some splash in the waves. Others just stand still for a moment before returning to the rush of an ordinary day.  

It’s a day like any other.  And yet, the anticipation of something good, of good news pervades the quiet crowd.  And the joyful ringing of that bell across the water reminds us to look for the good things, to anticipate the moments of delight over simple things like day breaking through the darkness.

I have also often said that if you are looking for a fight, you will find it wherever you go.  If you are looking to be offended by others, you won’t be disappointed.  You get what you look for.  That is not to say that we can control life.  Not at all!  I am not saying that you bring hardships on yourself.  Challenges and difficulties out of our control happen all the time. But how we respond to those hardships is what makes us either delightful people or miserable people, a delight to ourselves and others or a misery to ourselves and everyone else around us. You know it’s true.  Misery DOES love company.  But a joy shared is divine connection.

Even if your circumstances don't change, YOU can change! You don't have to be miserable. You can find the good around you. You can rediscover the joy that is hidden in every moment, even the worst ones, if you can just open your heart to see it. 

Wishing you peace today as you navigate the joys, challenges, and the mundane moments of life, hoping you can perceive the hidden possibility of bliss in every moment.