This is a short tune I had fun playing with the other day. I call it Grief Falls Like Rain. Based on a tune I heard in a Chinese or Korean mini-series, it might seem like an oxymoron to talk about having fun while composing songs about grief or laments. But there is a creative joy that wells up, even when the subject matter seems so serious or somber. I wrote a couple of tiny tunes that deal with this subject of grief and sorrow. However, for me, there is a freedom in accepting that this is what the song is about, as I accept my own mortality. This world of physical, temporary forms is losing its grip on me. I feel my own form beginning to slip away, and I am at peace with that. Having said that, I do not know when I will lay down “this mortal shell” as my dad called it, but I am at complete peace in accepting that this temporary form, my physical body, was never meant to last forever. The deeper part of me, or the spirit part of me which is connected to greater whole, to God, to the universe, gladly embraces the spiritual dimension.
As I get older, I find that letting go of who I thought I was, or who I thought I should be, or what I thought I should have accomplished by now, becomes less and less important. There is a sweetness in letting go of attachments to everything in this world. Those attachments to material things are easiest to let go of. Things, stuff, material possessions have a way of owning us, rather than the other way around. “My car”, “my body”, “my money”.... I've never had a problem of letting go of material things. Even now, letting go of relationships is easier for me... “my family”, “my friends”...I should say, letting go of my attempts to control or own or find my identity in those relationships is fading. Even letting go of what I believe...or what I think defines me... “my religion”, “my thoughts”, “my ideas”, those intangible attachments which I often confuse as somehow defining me are sometimes the hardest to let go. But there is freedom in letting go, of no longer trying to define myself by those externals.
"Misery comes when we fret and worry and obsess about what we are not or what we don’t have. But gratitude really does allow me to see the beauty around me now and the enoughness of this moment."
I think, if I am honest, letting go of my dreams of how I thought my life could have turned out are the most illusory, and by far, the most deceptive. After all, none of us have any guarantees of a long, fulfilled future life. The future is an illusion. The only moment that actually exists is right now, continuously unfolding, as Tolle points out over and over. But these attachments to unfulfilled dreams of romance or a home or a successful career or whatever it might be for each of us....those are harder to let go of, until I come back to the present moment.
A new friend recently asked me, "Why aren't you married?" Well, that's a loaded question in itself, fraught with all of its built-in expectations that I cannot live a fulfilled life without another person to validate my existence. But putting that aside, because she was only asking out of curiosity and because she loves me, I tried to find an honest answer. I mean, life isn't that simple, is it? I can't just decide to get married by myself! There needs to be another willing party. LOL! I was engaged once. Once upon a time, when I was young and foolish I thought I was in love. I can see now that what I called love was infatuation and truly selfish in nature. We were both selfish. That is not love. I could lament that I am not in a relationship now, but what is the point of lamenting what does not exist? My life is as it is. I would not change any of my choices. Because no matter where I have landed, I have always found incredible, lovely, kind, shining people. I have friends all over the world, from France, Belgium, Italy, India, Oregon, Oklahoma, Texas, and here in California. So, instead of lamenting something that is not, I rejoice in what I do have: FABULOUS friends!
I could lament that I do not own a home or even furniture anymore...but those are just things. I’m comfortable giving away everything I have. In fact, I'm on a mission to get rid of every nonessential item in my current possession. I could lament that I don’t have a bigger income or a thriving career. I remind myself that "more" is not always more, but can be a trap. And the trap of wanting more than what I have leads to discontentment or what Tolle calls “mostly useless thinking” (see Eckhart Tolle), based in either regretting the past or regretting a future that will never be.
When I wake in the night and feel overwhelmed as physical pain stabs at my left breast, I pause between spasms of pain, and I feel the joy of accepting what is, of feeling the beauty of this broken body, and gratitude for now begins to comfort me. Misery comes when we fret and worry and obsess about what we are not or what we don’t have. Misery focuses on lack and Neverland, that obscure world of the “nevers” of the future.... “I’ll never have ________....I'll never be _________." But gratitude really does allow me to see the beauty around me now and the enoughness of this moment.
Isn’t it miraculous that I have lived and had enough to eat or had a roof over my head my whole life? Isn’t it miraculous that as this physical body begins to shut down, and we are spinning in space at nearly 1,000 mph on this wonder planet filled with life, that I get to let go of attachments to this world? Isn’t it amazing that we can experience joy and peace and love at the deepest levels of who we are? Those qualities of joy, peace and love are not dependent upon circumstances to line up the way I think or demand they should. No, the real peace and joy of being transcend circumstances. So whether my body is breaking down or in health, I can have peace. Whether I am rich or poor, I can find joy in every circumstance. Whether I am accepted or cherished by my family or not, I can know a deeper love for them which transcends all the judgments and which covers all sins with forgiveness.
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