Jesus and the Tao (part 3)

These ideas are not formed, but rough concepts which I hope to communicate in some small way as I try to deepen my own inner understanding.  This is for my own processing of this deepening presence.

I’ve been re-examining the temptation of Christ.  When looked at through this lens of  “abiding presence”, egoic self, and body self, the entire temptation of Jesus is about Jesus being tempted to defend himself.  When faced with a “need” (Jesus was hungry), he was tempted to look externally for fulfillment, right?  But Jesus recognizes, in that moment, when he goes into deeper presence, that in this moment he has everything he needs— “Man does not live on bread alone (or external things), but on every word that comes from the mouth of God (spirit).” 

At the same time, this was an attack on his ego-identity: “If you are the son of God, prove it.”  Jesus was being tempted to defend or preserve this image or ego.  Perhaps it was all of the wonderful things he had been told his whole life about how he would save his people or maybe all the doubts and fears others had had about him.  Was he really God’s promised one? If Jesus were still attached to his egoic self, he would have argued or felt the need to prove himself.  But in his deeper self, he did not respond.  He did not rise to the bait of arguing or attaching his sense of self to these forms.  Spirit is formless. It does not need to defend itself.  It simply is in this moment, it exists now. 

Perhaps this temptation was a “real” historical event during his 40 day fast.  Or perhaps, as with so much of Jesus’ story and words, this was a metaphorical challenge.  Don’t think Jesus was metaphorical?  Think he was literal?  Then, cut off your hand or pluck out your eye.  He told you to do that if you sin.  Don’t think he was metaphorical?  Then what do you do with all of the parables?  Do you think heaven is actually a coin or a pearl or sheep?  Or even the lady looking for the lost coin? The man who found the pearl and gave everything to have it? Do you think God is literally a shepherd?  No, these words, stories, and pictures are just forms to point us to the reality of God’s presence (the formless) in us now. 

Perhaps, these temptations were his lifetime narratives which he needed to overcome.  As Jesus faces his impending death of the body, he reminds his friends that even if they abandon him, he is not alone, because he is connected to God’s presence.  “I have told you these things so that you may have peace.  In this world, (these forms) you will have trouble. But take heart! For I have overcome the world” (John 16:32-33).

The second temptation was about his attachment to self or his body form.  This one was specifically a temptation to commit suicide.  “If you really are the son of God, throw yourself down (from the highest point of the temple).”  After all, the angels will rescue you... 

Just as Tolle points out, when our physical form is threatened, presence guides us.  We either flee or fight.  Jesus releases his attachment to his human body, not by throwing himself to his death, but by recognizing that this body is only a form which is only temporary.  He calmly responds with another truth: “It is written- Do not put the Lord your God to the test.” He recognizes the foolishness of this kind of thinking.  He responds from a deeper sense of self- the I am that I am, which is not destructive but abundant life. The mental form, which is made up of our thought patterns and personal stories, is very often destructive or foolish.   

We, in our own mental prisons of continuous adversity, often interpret this story as a showdown between Jesus and Satan, where Jesus argues with the accuser, and triumphs.  Oh, yeah!  Stick it to the accuser, Jesus, we cheer.  You tell him!  Prove that you are right and the accuser is a loser!  But Jesus recognizes these traps of self-defense, defense of a false-self or fake identity.  He calmly replies to these accusations and desires with a deeper sense of presence.  If you re-read these verses, you will see that Jesus is not even adversarial in his responses.  He calmly remains true to his deep abiding self, which has no need to defend itself. 

Matthew 4:8-11-  the final temptation.  In the Hebrew language “Satan” means accuser or adversary.  And this is exactly what our egoic minds do, they fill themselves up with judgments against us and others, constantly accusing, looking to blame someone for our unhappiness or loneliness or dissatisfaction with our lives, or looking for an enemy.  We make enemies or adversaries in our minds of family, friends, loved ones, ourselves, strangers, “others”, or even our circumstances.  We want to be “right” all the time.  We feel we must prove how right we are at all times.  This constant urge to prove ourselves right and, thus, others wrong, turns us against the ones we claim to love. 

Or we fight against or rail against our circumstances.  My life would be better if.... In our egoic mind, we are never satisfied with what is.  We hold on to past grievances, real or fictional, while we tend to project constantly into the future.  When I do such-and-such, then I will have arrived.  When I get that job, promotion, relationship, car, home, perfect body.... when I think positively enough.  Or when I leave here, get that other job, move...when I get out of this relationship.  When I’m not sick anymore... Or if only I didn’t have this pain, this suffering, this situation...  These are all external forms which we convince ourselves will make all the difference in our happiness.

Temptation number 3 is again about externals.  The accuser shows Jesus all the kingdoms of the world and promises Jesus fame, wealth beyond imagination, splendor, power.... You can have all of this, if.... If you will bow down and worship me.  If you will make me (your accusing, self-centered mind with all its desires) your god, look at all the power, glory, fame, popularity, love, and admiration, not to mention stuff you can get.  Let me run your life and you’ll be happy.  You can have everything you think you want or deserve. 

Jesus recognizes the futility of this looking for happiness from that inner list of wants and don’t-wants, likes and dislikes, judgments about people, things, or circumstances.  These inner mental constructs, if left to rule, would leave him deeply dissatisfied and out of touch with his real self, the inner I am that I am.  Because no true fulfillment comes from these external forms: power, position, wealth, fame, possessions, circumstances.   Jesus answers this mental, accusing, future-focused self with “It is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God and serve him only’.”  Jesus understood that abundant life is living deeply, in spirit, now.  It is not fulfillment in some fictional future wherein I manipulate the universe to give me what I think I want.  Practicing presence now, living fully present to this moment, I am free from that vague, unreal world of tomorrow.  And I am no longer shackled to the fictional past.  

Does that mean the past never happened?  No.  It just means, it no longer exists.  The only time that exists is right now, this moment unfolding now. When Jesus let go of his attachments to self, to past, to future, you can see how liberating it had to be.  And he is our example of “dying” to self.  There is freedom in this letting go of who I think I am or should be or who others think I should be.  I am that I am, now.  And in this moment, I have enough.  I am enough. God is in me.  The eternal, formless one lives in me.  That is enough. 

The Tao Te Ching says, 

“Which is dearer, fame or your life?

Which is greater, your life or possessions?

Which is more painful, gain or loss?

Therefore, we always pay a great price for excessive love

And suffer deep loss for great accumulation.

Knowing what is enough, you will not be humiliated.

Knowing where to stop, you will not be imperiled

And can be long-lasting” (Chapter 44).

Jesus embodies this wisdom in Matthew’s account of the temptation. 

Shining like stars

Philippians 2: 14-16. “Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may be blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life.” 

Do everything without grumbling or complaining.  Then you will shine like the stars in the universe.  I believe this is true and I think this is also the other way around.  When we allow ourselves to shine like the stars, then we stop our grumbling and complaining narratives in our heads.  

When we allow presence now to bubble up, we stop replaying all those negative, griping thoughts.  We recognize: I am not the bad news I just got.  I am not the identity I thought I was or who I thought others thought I was.  

We go around thinking that we know what other people are thinking about us... and it’s usually not pleasant... and we grumble and complain in our heads about how unfair it is.... but when we practice presence, we recognize that those are just thoughts.  

So when we stop the inner complainer or grouchy self, who is constantly offended by others, we shine!  And when we focus on now and  allow our spirit to bubble up, we shine and now we are able to silence that inner complaining voice, which is always concerned with either the past or the future.  

We can choose to abide now.  

Dualism, Jesus and the Tao (part 2)

As I open up to a different way to view the world yet again, I find myself struggling against my own dualism.  I’ve found a “better” way to live, if only my family could recognize that their way of living is awful... New way is better.  New way is freedom!  Old way, bleh!  This is dualism at its core:  this good, that bad.  People who think like me are wonderful.  People who don’t see it my way are terrible.  We want to label everyone and everything.  See my previous blog on the frailty of words.  

I’ve been looking at this dualistically, as if presence is not the form.  It’s not form, but it is. This is what the first Tao means.   Desiring and desireless are the same.  “When they appear, they are named differently. This sameness is the mystery.” 

The form is not who I am, but it is a part of everything, even if temporarily. Words, thoughts, body: these are forms, they are not the formless.  Yet they point to the formless, and in fact, they are a part of the formless, however temporarily.  

To embrace one, while rejecting the other is dualism. Dualism leads to dogma. Dualism leads to legalism.  “You are not spiritual because you believe such-and-such, but I am spiritual because I believe the opposite...”. Tao precept number 2- “All the world recognize the beautiful as beautiful.  Herein lies the ugliness.  All recognize the good as good.  Herein lies the evil.”  

When we label, we enter into that dualistic world: everything is either/or.  We declare that something is beautiful.  That sounds wonderful.  But the Tao points out that the labeling is “ugly”.  When we say, “that is good”, we have judged it, therefore, we are “bad.”  Jesus said, “Judge not, lest you be judged.”

Jesus saw the “acts of righteousness” of the Pharisees and pointed out this very precept.  As soon as we think, “Aha, I have done something good”, the dualism of that judgy thinking produces “evil”, pride, arrogance, superiority in me.  The Tao goes on, “Therefore, the sage produces without possessing, acts without expectations, and accomplishes without abiding in her accomplishments.”  

Jesus instructed us to do our acts of righteousness in secret, lest the form (that is the thought and action) be attached to our sense of identity.  The Tao instructs us to “get rid of ‘holiness’ and abandon ‘wisdom’ and the people will benefit a hundredfold” (precept 19).  This does not mean don’t ever do good things or go around being foolish.  It means “Don’t attach your idea of self to these acts”.  As soon as we cling to these ideas or words as descriptors of ourselves or others, we have lost touch with our spirit.  

In my eagerness to rid myself of my old way of thinking and being....I oversimplified as usual to the age-old habit of labeling.  Forms are bad.  The formless is good.  Forms like my thoughts and old narratives are negative.  Spirit is good.  While those statements may be true, they are also not true.  

Reminder to self: Don’t try to convert everyone else.  My path is not necessarily the path for everyone.  I may find it liberating, but others may find it appalling.  Even in spite of this, I still see dualism as evil, insidious, or a type of dictator, and I pronounce it bad.  But for someone who is trying to make sense of their world, perhaps duality is all they can perceive:  it’s good or bad, right or wrong.  Nothing in between.

Then I found this old blog and thought, “Physician, heal thyself.”

 

 It is unfortunate in any situation, whether in the guise of religion or education or corporation or whatever, when leaders use a prescriptive approach. I've been guilty of this myself. A prescriptive approach usually comes in the form of language such as, "Should", "Must", "Have to", "It's my way or the highway" or "You have to do it such-and-such a way or else..." or "There's a right way to do things and wrong way to do things..." This dualistic approach (right OR wrong, left OR right, black OR white, good OR bad) sets people up for failure, not meeting expectations, not living up to someone else's standards, guilt, shame, and grief. 

 The prescriptive approach in teaching says, "You must learn what I tell you to learn and how I tell you to learn it." In the corporate world, it may sound like..."This is the way we've always done it." It even invades our cultural expectations, "But WE don't do it like that. My way is the best way. Everyone SHOULD do it my way." 

 I have to laugh, because MOST adults begin to transform their narrow view of things as they approach the age of 18. We begin to question why we do what we do, why we believe what we believe, is it truth for us? We begin to differentiate ourselves from our parents' values and norms. We see that the world doesn't fall into Either/Or categories. Unless you are like my old friend, Bob....

I remember camping with him many times over the years. On one particular occasion, he actually told me that I had heated up the water (to be used to wash our dishes) wrong! I laughed! He was dead serious. At which point, I asked him if I had the basic concept of boiling correct: fill pan with water, apply heat to the pan, water comes to boil. He still insisted that HIS way of bringing water to a boil was somehow different than my way and that HIS way was better. (I'm still unsure to this day how our ways differed at all!) Bob earned the nicknames of Vanilla Dictator (for insistence that HE was the standard of normal and that everyone else should think and act like him), Fluid Intake Police (for his insistence on a road trip that my roommate could not and should not purchase a large drink for the road, lest she have to stop along the way to pee, causing delays for the rest of the group), and Herr Smith** (another reference to his dictator style).  ** I've changed my old friend's name to protect his identity and also in faith that perhaps even he has opened his perspectives a bit in the last few years. 

 It's a human condition, this wanting everything to be black OR white, right OR wrong. Wouldn't the world be easier to manage, to navigate if everything was clearly marked? But it isn't. Christians have lived in the realm of Either/Or for too long. We have forgotten that Jesus was the Paradox King. The paradox says things are Both/And, both Either/Or. Didn't Jesus say that one who seeks to save his life will lose it, while the one who loses his life will save it? That's the paradox. If you lose, you also gain. If you gain, you also lose. It's BOTH losing AND gaining. It's not either/or. What is sad to me is that after all these years, we're still writing formulas for living. Do this. Don't do that. It's the same thing Jesus held against the Pharisees, not that they kept the law, but that they kept it to the exclusion of others, to the adding to the burden of others, to the exclusion of mercy and love and grace and kindness and peace. 

 But this is the danger inherent even in coming out of an abusive relationship like so many have had at Teen Mania, Open Bible Fellowship, pick a church or school or institution... the danger is that we the abused, in turn, begin prescribing a different way to live. We say, "Manipulative pastor or teacher or administrator, your way is wrong. Everyone else, follow me! My way is better!" And now, we have made a prescription out of our experience for everyone else to follow. 

 In Chela Sandoval's (2000) dissertation on the Methodology of the Oppressed, she would call this meta-ideologizing. It is the term used to describe replacing one ideology for another. This is the danger: in our zeal to break away from oppression and to resist it and to renounce it, we form our own ideology and condemn our oppressors and establish a new form of oppression. This is the point where those who were oppressed now become the oppressors! When our old oppressors don't see the error of their ways, we begin to persecute them for not seeing the world as we do, for not following our ways, our prescription for life. This is that delicate spiderweb on which we try to balance our lives, our being... following Christ without making our experiences the dictation and prescription for everyone else. Here the old Greek saying plays out well: "To thine own self be true." To which I might add: "And stop worrying about everyone else. Extend enough grace to them to allow them figure it out on their own, in their own time, in their own way." 

How easy it is for me to see the dualism in my old friend, Bob.  But the real key to spirituality is to recognize it at work in myself and to accept what is.  What is can be both form and formless.  What is can be good and bad.  What is can be liberty and oppression.  What is can be life and death.  I do not have to label it.  It can just “be”.  

Teachings Jesus had in common with Lao Tzu

In the following days, I will be examining some of the teachings which Jesus had in common with Lao Tzu or the Tao Te Ching (3rd century BC Chinese manuscript).  

Today, I’m starting with this idea of living in the now.  Not being obsessed with our thoughts about the past or the future.  But being fully aware and present to now, to what is.

Do not worry about tomorrow. 

Here’s what Jesus said, according to Matthew—6:25 

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?  27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?  31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

 

 

Jesus got it.  Now is the only time we have.  Worry is about trying to control the future, to manipulate it in such a way that everything turns out the way I think it should.  But we cannot control the future.  The future doesn’t even exist.  There is only now, this moment, continuously unfolding.  And even when I get what I think I want or don’t get what I think I don’t want, I’m still unhappy, unsatisfied after a while, because I’m trying to fulfill myself with something external, either possessions or people or circumstances. 

The Tao (precept 44) asks “which is dearer, fame or your life? Which is greater, your life or possessions?  Which is more painful, gain or loss?” These are externals which I convince myself that I need, want, must have or don’t want (like loss).  And yet, even when we get what we think we want, we are only satisfied for a short time until desire for more takes over, making us dissatisfied with our lives.  

Precept 46 says the real sufficiency comes from knowing what is enough is an eternal sufficiency.  It does not come from the outside.  It comes from within. This is the peace which passes all understanding.  This is the peace which fills us even in the midst of suffering.

Living now

Today, I am letting go of judgments.  That sounds like I’m noble.  I am not.  Maybe it sounds like I am patting myself on the back.  I am not.  I am learning to let go.  

As I go through my day, doing all the usual stuff I need to do, after all, life is continuing on moment by moment,  I find myself more aware of those imaginary conversations.  They start out innocently.  “Oh, that reminds me, I need to communicate something to so-and-so.”  And then I find myself playing out an imaginary conversation in my head with So-and-So... and often my conversation turns to some kind of judgment about them or me.  What I should have done.  What I think they should have done or said or not said or how they should be enlightened... and now I am thinking that I am more spiritual than them... and... wait! What?  I think I am more spiritual?  If I think I am spiritual, that is just another story I tell myself about my identity.  But it is a fiction. 

Even the Bible points out that the  “unspiritual person goes on and on about how spiritual they are, the visions they have seen”, the breakthroughs they have experienced. It’s like the Tao.  As soon as I think I grasp it, it is gone.  If you think you can name it or teach it to others, it is no longer the eternal Tao. 

So, I am writing of my experiences, not to teach others or lead others down my path, but as a practice for myself to recognize when I identify with some form or another, instead of allowing the formless to fill me now.  The forms most often take the shape of my fictional narratives, those stories we tell ourselves and others.  

An example, as Tolle was speaking about the “pain body” on video while I was out walking this morning, I experienced it. As best I understand it, my personal “pain body” is the sum of my past experiences (as I perceive them) and emotional triggers set up by those stories in my head.  For me, it went something like this.

I am crossing the street.  I am here.  I am now.  (Pleasant feeling).  I am grateful to be alive, to be aware. (Grateful feelings well up). I am aware that a car is approaching from the left and must stop for me to cross.  A woman approaches from the other side of the street.  She is thin, attractive, younger than me, athletic, wearing tight, “skimpy” clothing. (Notice all the judgments in that thought description).  I think to myself, “I’ll bet whoever the driver of that car is doesn’t mind waiting for the other woman to cross the street.  I should hurry.  He (another assumption as I have not even looked at the driver to know which sex he/she/they might be) is probably impatient for my fat, ugly body to get out of the way.” 

Whoa!  So many assumptions.  So many judgments of what I imagine is. So many completely fictional scenarios in that momentary thought.  It was a thought which took less than a second to flash through my mind!  Wow.  I took a step back mentally.  Stop.  Breathe.  Let it go.  This is what the pain body does.  I have the choice right now to attach all kinds of emotions to that “lie”, that fictional encounter in my mind, and then I could really hang on to that perceived threat or trespass or offense.  I could really dwell on it.  I could let my sense of injustice of being judged for my body really fester.... except, it didn’t happen!! It was ALL in my mind.  The judgments against me came from me, from my own pain body, my own mental ruts or thought patterns.  The judgments against the other woman were from my mind.  I was quick to label her, to describe her in my mind.  And yet, who she is is NOT the external body in front of me.  Who she is is something formless and eternal and beyond words.  The judgments against the driver, whoever he or she or they may be were completely in my head, my thoughts, generated by my mental patterns and assumptions.   Wow!  

In the space of less than a second, I had judged myself and two other strangers.  Whew!  But now, I had the choice to dwell on it or come back to myself, the real me inside who is formless and is present now.  I acknowledged whatever body pain had led me to that judgmental thought process, let it go, and allowed my inner self to shine again.  I am not my body.  I am not my thoughts.  I am free.  I am that I am.  

Even in the telling of this story, I realize that it is just that, another story.  It no longer exists.  That moment is gone.  The only moment that exists is this one, now.  The past is gone.  It no longer exists.  This morning is gone.  Five minutes ago, five seconds ago, gone. The only time is now continuously unfolding. 

So, I’m learning to let go, by being aware of my thoughts.  As I go through my day, I begin to see how many of my thoughts are about what I want or don’t want, constantly judging, “oh, I don’t like that...” or “I wish such and such...”. How egocentric of me to expect the universe or others to act the way I want, or don’t want, when and how I want...

I’m learning to let go of expectations and desires.  This is easy when I go into myself, the I am that I am right now. It is much more difficult when I focus on the future or the past (which are only figments of my imagination anyway).  They seem so real because I have identified with past and future most of my life.  Shutting off my thoughts, practicing being present now is hard.  But at the same time, it is not.  Because when I am completely in the now, I am free! 

A note from my pants’ pocket...

A Sunday morning note for my sister, my best friend: 

C you.   

Oh my gosh.  I just returned from my morning walk and meditation.

When I pulled my phone out of my pocket, it seems my phone had ideas of its own.  It had started this email to you.  When I saw that it had even begun typing you a message, "C you", I decided I'd better finish the note.  So....

I listened to another Tolle video. 

I listened as I walked, then took my yoga mat and sat quietly for a few minutes, just listening to my surroundings, observing, stretching, relaxing... and yes, talking in my mind.  I tried to silence my inner voice.

Boy, is it hard! Not the negative thoughts, I mean.  It's pretty easy to recognize and silence those now.  I've been practicing off and on for over 10 years silencing the negative chatter.  No, the hard part is silencing all the thoughts, especially the part where I am assimilating new concepts.

I talk to my “self" now.  Like, "hello, me" or "wake up, me!" Even those are words, but I try to allow my inner self, my inner eternal energy self, my spirit to bubble up.  And when I can silence thoughts long enough, what Tolle calls "the space between thoughts", I feel .... joy, energy, light, enjoyment of this moment.  I feel gratitude welling up.  Feel is not quite the right word.  It’s like I embody joy and gratitude.  I don’t know if that makes sense to you.  I try to focus on now.  Being aware right now.  This moment is all I have.  I do not have the past.  It is gone. It does not exist.  That is a mind-blowing thought!  The past DOES NOT EXIST.  Only now, the present, exists.  I don't have tomorrow or the future.  It never comes.  I only have now.

And now is pretty awesome!  I'm alive.  I'm aware.  I'm present. I'm grateful.  I have everything I need right now in this moment.  

After the Tolle video on YouTube, the Law of Attraction lady came on, you know The Secret.  Anyway, after listening to her chatter on about how if you followed her Secret program and your life still isn't what you thought it should be, if you are still unhappy, just subscribe to her and she will make you a personalized message so you can address all your subconscious negative self talk which is blocking you from receiving everything the universe has so you can be rich... the basic message?  Let me manipulate you a bit more.  Here's my fail-safe-get-what-you-want-and-be rich, powerful, and happy formula, but if that didn't work, it's your fault because your unconscious mind is betraying you and attracting all kinds of crap to your life.  Just turn to me and I'll help you unlock all those negative inner thoughts that you didn't even know were there and like magic, poof!  You will get everything you want and deserve.   

Wow.  I could actually hear how manipulative it was.  It was all about the universe giving me what I want, because I deserve what I want, and the universe is supposed to give me wealth, things, opportunities, fame...whatever I think I deserve.  The universe owes me because I'm using a secret, magical formula. It was so ego-centric.  

I'm not saying she's bad.  I’m not trying to be judgmental.  In fact, years ago, her teaching helped me and has helped millions of others.  It's just that I now see it as a "magic lamp", "name it and claim it" kind of teaching.  There is definitely some truth in there. Yes, our words, thoughts, and attitudes do have power to manifest.  That is true and powerful.  But I no longer see the universe as mine to manipulate to get stuff.   

And I think I’m starting to understand what Singer and Tolle are saying.  Sure, on some level your inner thoughts manifest the life you imagine, whether it's filled with fear or love.   Call it self-fulfilling prophecy. But as Singer explains, what you really want is not stuff or externals to feel complete.  What we really want is to be spiritually open or awakened.  And when we are, we recognize that we only have this moment right now and the universe is giving us what we need right now.  

The best I can describe it is that we can go through life blind and not know it.  Our thoughts blind us and distract us from who we really are, the I am that I am.  We think we see the world clearly, but we are blind, lost in our thoughts.  We think external things will make us happy, or not getting certain externals will make us happy, the "wants and don't wants" that Singer talks about.  

But when we strip it all down, what we really want is to see, to not be blinded and stumbling in the dark, but to come into the light... to allow our own inner light to shine like the stars in the universe, to feel joy, enthusiasm, energy.  To be joy and light and energy.  

When we are no longer blind, we see that everything we need is here now.  It always has been here now.  I was just blinded before by my negative attitudes and thoughts and perceptions. We see that universe is not ours to manipulate, but to be celebrated.  This moment is all I have and I celebrate it. 

So, I guess I will "C you".  No, that's the future which doesn't exist.  I guess I could say, "I see you."  Ah, I do see you and am grateful for you every time I remember you.

My intention for today is to practice being aware of now and letting gratitude for each moment emanate from me.   

When language fails...

The frailty of words

I’m listening to to Eckhart Tolle’s Meditation video on YouTube today.  If you’ve never seen him or heard him speak, please do yourself a favor and listen to the video above.  His gentle humor and sweet presence just radiate.

Forgive another apparent stream of consciousness style writing.... Obviously, I am struggling to grow spiritually.  I want to understand. As Tolle speaks of Spirit or “Presence”, a concept which defies words, he apologizes for having to use language to articulate what he means.  I understand. The phrase “when language fails” came to mind. We use words, labels, and names to make sense of our world, our experience.  “Good, bad, hot, cold, dark, light...” Words help us make sense of the external world.

We think words equal definitions.  Definitions are supposed to be objective, agreed upon meanings for ideas and objects. Meanings.... That’s just it.  Words are not just objective or generic in meaning. Words take on subjective, personal meanings.  They morph to our life experiences, to our thoughts, to our world views.  

Take the word “father”.  In the most basic terms, it should mean male progenitor of another, right?  But the word takes on so much more subjective meaning.  Society says “father” is not just a biological progenitor. Father must also mean a man who cares for, shows love to, is faithful to, loyal to, and protects his family.  This is an ideal father, right?  But how many people do you actually know who had an ideal dad?  So when the the word “father” is spoken in conversation with all of its hidden assumptions of what that word means, all of its societal expectations of perfection in a man, our reaction to it will vary from person to person, even among siblings with presumably many shared histories. If your experience of “father” is something completely opposite...well, that word may be entwined with concepts of fear, disappointment, maybe violence...certainly not warm, fuzzy feelings, right?  

So many words and phrases are “charged” for us these days, right?  Conservative, liberal, democrat, republican, American, Chinese, freedom of religion, Christian, atheist, Buddhist, black, white, police, authority....the list could go on forever.  And to one person each of those words means one thing while to that person’s brother or sister, the words may mean something completely opposite.  

So I understand what Tolle is getting at when he apologizes for having to use words to communicate these concepts of spirit, presence, eternal life or energy.  Words are not objective, they are connotative.  They are subjective, shaped by my life experiences.  

When Tolle talks of Presence, perhaps you call it Soul or Spirit, I think of “I am that I am”. We use different words to communicate this idea.  Presence. Limitless. Eternal. Who I am is more than my story, more than my sense of self. Who I am is more than the limitations of this body. More than my ideas or even who I think I am or who others may think I am. 

Words help us articulate, but also label. Tree, beauty, lizard, rock, sky, fear, love, hate, past, future, now, spirit, thoughts, presence. Labels can be helpful, but also limit... the great paradox. We reject labels, but use words to express.  As long as I am continually labeling everything and everyone around me, I am still stuck in my thoughts.  Trapped by these limitations of words.  Naming can be liberating.  I think of the people I have known and heard of over the years who have changed their names.  Saul, the guy who was persecuting Christ followers, became Saint Paul.  Jacob, who was the deceiver, became Israel, the guy who was transformed by God.  Some indigenous cultures believe that everyone has a secret name, a name which they receive when they enter adulthood.  They go into the forest alone for an extended period and receive their new secret name, not a name given by others, but a name which they discover for themselves.  

There can be power in naming.  If something is oppressive, there can be power in naming that oppression. But naming can also bring limitations.  We may start to believe that we are those names: fat, ugly, unloved, rejected, lonely, unlovable, failure.  Think of all the things you tell yourself about yourself.  As Tolle points out, most of our mental chatter is useless.  Rarely, do we say nice things to ourselves.  So, names, words, and thoughts are powerful, but they are not who we are.  Who am I?

I am.

Michael A Singer often asks, “Who is in there?”  Who are you?  Who is the one inside you who is aware of your thoughts, your emotions, and yet transcends those identities? 

I could say, “I am light.”  Yes, but that is also just a label, a word, a limitation.  

I could say, “I am Gigi.”  Yes, that’s also true.  But when I think of who Gigi is, I attach all of my narratives, my histories, my thoughts and feelings to that name.  I might attach my self-concept or body image to that name.  Am I my body?  Am I my thoughts?  Am I my past or the stories I repeat over and over?  If I could pick my own name, I would pick Bodhi Ananda...Ananda means pure joy or the essence of delight, while Bodhi means enlightenment or awakening.  But again, these are just labels....

In the Tao Te Ching, the first precept begins, “The Tao that can be followed is not the eternal Tao. 

The name that can be named is not the eternal name. 

The nameless is the origin of heaven and earth. 

While naming is the origin of the myriad things. 

Therefore, always desireless, you see the mystery

Ever desiring, you see the manifestations. 

These two are the same—

When they appear they are named differently.  

This sameness is the mystery.

Mystery within mystery.  

The door to all marvels. - Lao Tzu

Who am I?  I am that I am.

I was reminded that King David used to command himself, “Wake up, my soul!  Bless the Lord, o my soul!”  He recognized that his spirit (soul) was in there.  THAT was the real him.   You can call it “soul”, “spirit”, “energy”, “presence”, “the inner self.... these are just names.  Names help my mind to categorize something.  But as Lao Tzu points out, as soon as we try to name it, we lose awareness of this nameless “is-ness” that Tolle speaks of.  It simply is.  It is not even an it. Using words like “it” automatically makes this concept an object.   I am.  I am that I am.  

When Tolle spoke about the concept of self, I was reminded of Jesus’ concept of dying to self. Dying to this twisted, weird idea of self. This is not about abstinence or denying ourselves external things, though he also chose to fast from time to time.  We tend to focus on dying to the externals, our “fleshly desires”, or as stated above in The Tao, “the manifestations” of our desires.  And that can be a part of it, too.  Because they are just noisy distractions, “wants, needs, don’t wants” as Singer says, clamoring for our attention.  But dealing with externals is easy-ish.  No.  This is more than denying ourselves what we want (like food or a new car).  This is about dying to our idea of self, who I think I am based on my history, my family, my personality, my list of accomplishments, my failures, my loves, my rejections, my foibles, my status, my wealth or lack thereof, my mistakes, my image of self, or even others’ images of myself, or my images of others....

We are more! We are more than our histories or repetitive tales about our past. We are more than our hopes and dreams for the future. We are now. We have only this moment. Eternity is NOW. The kingdom of heaven is NOW, not in the future. There is no future. There is only now. Now is continuous. Now never stops unfolding. Now is continually revealing itself. 

I am now. The past no longer exists. My story, my narratives which I repeat over and over to myself, to anyone who will listen no longer exist, except in my mind! Why do I keep bringing them up?  Because I have confused my past experiences with who I am.  Or worse, I have equated my past experiences of others with who they really are.  We tend to hold on to grievances.  You know that story of grievance you tell everyone about that one time someone said or did something to you that really hurt your feelings or was unfair?  You know people who are still holding on to something that someone else said over 30 years ago, and they tell everyone who will listen about this grievance.  My life is in ruins because so-and-so said something to me 30 years ago and I’m still holding a grudge over the incident.  Let me tell you ALL about it, again and again....  

I don’t want to keep living like that.  I want to transcend these awful narratives, the old hurts, even the plans I had for the future.  I want to live an open life, now.  I want to recognize now.  I want to let go of the past with all of its fears, wounds, joys, and “failures and successes”.  I want to awaken to abundant life, now. 

Wake up, me! Stir up the life that is you. This life, the real self, my eternal spirit is part of everything. That IS everything and everywhere and at all time. Because there is only now. This moment. Wake up! I am alive.  I exist.  I am that I am.  When I begin to remember that, I remember that I am Ananda (pure delight).  I feel energy and excitement over what is happening right now.  I am present.

As I come closer to the end of my walk, I wonder.  I can sit under the Bodhi tree and meditate like the Siddhartha Gautama or open my spirit in silence and isolation. I can be fully present easily in quarantine or my quiet time away from others. I often joke that I could be the most holy Christian on earth, if only I didn’t have to interact with other humans!  But how do I remain present to now when I am conversing with family or working? How do I turn off the continual chatter of the monkey mind? How do I embody presence when my family member is trying to drag me into their negative, fear-filled state, into an argument, or into their violent worldview? How do I "practice" this kind of being? I know that sounds like an oxymoron, "practicing being". How do I "do being"?   How do I maintain this openness?  Singer would say just practice NOT CLOSING.  Learn to recognize when you are irritated or disturbing yourself over something silly, like someone else making a mess for you to clean up or taking “your” parking space...

I don’t know.  I’m just starting to wake up.  I’m over 50 years old now and I think I’m just waking up for the first time in my life.  I’ve had moments of “aha” or brief glimpse of enlightenment, awakening here and there.  I’m enjoying the process, this pilgrimage.  And I have the rest of my life, the rest of now to continue to try to practice this openness, this transcendence, this awakening.  

I saw a bird on my walk.  It was sitting on a mailbox. I am present.  I am aware of my surroundings, the me inside is aware and feels alive and joyful just to be able to observe.  I thought of how birds were made to soar, but if I had only ever seen a bird egg, I might not think that. I might be content to just observe the egg and think “The egg is beautiful.”  Something about roundness captures our imaginations. We label it as beautiful. The egg is fragile. In its fragility, there is beauty, too. Perhaps because we see how easily that life in the egg could end.  A fierce wind or a cat knocks the egg out of the nest.  Smash.  Crack.  The life inside dies.  So we treasure the beauty of the fragile egg, the frail physical life.  But the egg is not the bird.  The egg, the part that I see, is just the outer shell.  At the right time, the transformation will take place. The bird was made to hop around on the ground, to sing, and to soar.  The bird was designed to defy physical constructs like gravity.

We, too, were made to soar, to defy social constructs and our own mental constructs like our concept of self.  We were made for more. We are more. We are enough. We are. We are now. 

Who is self? Call it Spirit, consciousness, awareness, presence. The I am that I am. It is formless, exists outside of time (sort of), because time is really a human construct. The only time that actually exists is NOW, the present.  The past no longer exists, except in my mind if I try to hold on to it.  And why would I let something that no longer exists continue to define me?  The future is never here.  Jesus said not to worry about tomorrow.  You have enough to worry about today.   In other words, you have right now.  Tomorrow never comes.  All we have is this moment, right now, continually. 

This is liberating, I am freeing myself from the old concept of self. 

It is for freedom that Christ has set you free... from your old concept of self! We were made for freedom. Creation? Have we always existed? If we are eternal beings, what does this mean? I think we were still created, even as a part of the eternal one. But we were made for freedom.  Spirit, soul, presence, that eternal part of us, whatever you want to call it, was never made to be caged inside our minds and bodies.  

It may dwell in here for a time, but we were made for so much more.  Our bodies may be made of the stuff of stars, but our spirits shine like the stars if we allow ourselves to live in openness in the present.  

What is spirit?

Think of someone you met once. You had a deep conversation with them that changed both of your lives. Let's say 30 years passes and someone asks you about that person who changed your life. Could you describe them? It's been thirty years. By now, you have changed physically. They would have changed significantly as well in the last thirty years, at least physically. But when you think of that person, even if their face has become fuzzy in your memory, even if their outward appearance has faded from your mind, you remember that being. You remember their spirit. Why? Because who we really are is not our thoughts, it's not even our bodies. 

Who we are is a spirit being inside a physical form with mind and emotions. But the mind and emotions are not Me. I am not my thoughts. I am not my emotions. I am me. I am that I am. I am something eternal. I never understood that before, when God spoke to Moses from the burning bush and Moses asks, "Who should I say sent me?" And God responds with "I am that I am."

My mind and emotions are just distractions from the real me. And if I let them control me and distract me my whole life, I will never realize who I am. Who am I? Who is the I am that I am in me?

This is the practice I hope to embrace, openness. Allowing my spirit self, my consciousness to transcend these momentary disturbances and distractions of thoughts and emotions. As Michael A Singer points out in The Untethered Soul and The Surrender Experiment, often the easiest way to get to practicing openness is actually to recognize and get really good at seeing when I am closed first. And then stop being closed.

I was thinking of a time in 2010 when I made a pilgrimage across Europe. I trekked over 1100 miles in 75 days with my little cocker spaniel, Sam. I experienced both incredible, heart-expanding openness and gratitude and the abundance of the universe and I experienced the closedness, the shut down of my spirit often on a daily basis. When I was open, the universe opened up to me. I was filled with joy! I felt incredible gratitude and light and peace. And it was as if the universe saw that and just gave me whatever I needed, whether I thought about it or not.

I also saw the "danger of the mind", as Singer calls it, when I let my mind and emotions control me. In one instance in particular, a kindly, yet forceful personality wrapped in the aspect of an elderly nun offered to give me and my dog a ride down the road, if I could just wait a day or two while she finished up her lecture series she was sharing with the cloistered nuns at the convent where I was staying. I agreed. I needed a couple of days' rest anyway.

A couple of days later, her driver (a woman from the area where the nun was headquartered) begrudgingly agreed to take me and my dog with them to Reims and the great cathedral there. The woman driver's palpable resentment of me soured my perspective. I was already feeling vulnerable.

My hormones were out of wack and I was even more emotional than ever. I was on the verge of tears constantly. For anyone who knows me, that is a super rare occurrence. I rarely cry. I blamed my hormones. In my mind, I felt resentful of the woman driver who resented me for some unknown reason. The nun had convinced the woman and husband to let me spend the night with them for one night. The husband was kind and immediately fell in love with my dog, Sam.

As agreed, the nun took us on a tour of the cathedral of Reims where she was actually a bit of a celebrity and authority on iconoclastic art. But my mind was disturbed. I could not appreciate what an incredible gift this was. I felt miserable! I felt sorry for myself. I felt rejected and alone. I let my feelings and negative thoughts ruin the entire trip! The husband could not have been more compassionate. The nun, direct as she was, had kindly offered me a ride and a lecture tour of the cathedral and had even found me a bed in a safe home. They even took me out to dinner.

The woman driver resentfully took me to her home. She seemed jealous of husband's attention to me...though really it was directed at my adorable dog. The next morning, she yelled at me to get moving as her daughter would be coming to take me back to the via francigena trail. I was packed, ready to go. But everything I did or did not do irritated her and she let me know it. And I let her negative reactions dictate my negative reactions...

I could recount many, many times when I was in a different state of mind, just happy to be alive, when I was open to the universe, and everything I needed was literally given to me by strangers. I didn't even have to ask. If I thought "I need water. I'll stop in the next town and purchase some", ten minutes later a stranger would be waiting in the street saying, "Oh, I heard a pilgrim was coming. I have two very large, cold bottles of water for you. Would you like some? Oh, you have a dog. Here, have some dog food for your puppy." I was overjoyed, of course.

I share the stories of being both open and closed, not because the open, positive state got me what I wanted while the negative state did not. I could try to recreate that feeling of openness. Many times as humans this is exactly what we do. We think if only I recreate the externals then I will feel open again. If that were the case, I would think that going on pilgrimage is what I need to do in order to be open, that is, if I only remember the positive side of the pilgrimage trek. And to be sure, my positive experiences seem to far outweigh all the hardships, the struggle, the negative moments. It would be easy to remember only the open state and all the good things that seemed to come from that and declare, "Aha! I have discovered that the formula for true spiritual growth is to go on pilgrimage!" Indeed, when I recount the stories of my transformational pilgrimage trek, I always remember the good times. I remember the feeling of wide-openness of my spirit. The wonder, the curiosity, the awe, the pure, ecstatic joy at life. I could try to make it prescriptive for everyone else and say "In order to unlock your spirit, you must go on pilgrimage! The key to openness is to do what I have done." And indeed, several of the pilgrims I met along the way had decided that this was their formula for happiness.

But I mention the closed incident with the nun and the driver because I recognize now how much I robbed myself in those two days together. The universe was open to me. Strangers were literally giving me everything I needed, food, shelter, human kindness, and so much more in the riches of the information which this art historian was imparting to me. But my mind was in such turmoil. My emotions were controlling me. I was blind. I could not see the beauty of life unfolding before me. The universe was open to me, but I was closed! I had shut down, closed myself off from seeing this incredible joy and opportunity to engage.  I said earlier that "the woman driver's palpable resentment of me soured my perspective". This was not true. I soured my perspective! I let my mind and emotions distract me, the real me, the spirit me. I let the disturbance of my thoughts and feelings of self-pity rob me of a beautiful chance to shine in the universe, to celebrate the riches of the gracious nun sharing her knowledge with me. I missed the opportunity to listen to that poor angry woman, to really see her. I had messed up her plans, whatever they may have been. I had intruded on her time with the nun. Not only that, but the nun had convinced her to take me, a stranger and her dog, into her home. The point is that I had allowed all this disturbance to reek havoc with my thoughts and emotions and denied my spirit the opportunity to thrive in curiosity and joy and abundance. I was closed.  And it took a good day more for me to free myself from the incessant chatter of my mind and breathe and open up again.

So the point of my latest experiment, the 21-Day Openness Experiment, is not so much trying to recreate the externals in which I felt open to the universe...no, that is another distraction from spirit. The key is to stop closing. And that is something internal. I'm practicing letting go of judgments of myself and others. I'm practicing letting go of expectations. I'm practicing letting go of my lists of what I think I need or want or don't want to be fulfilled. I'm embracing the process, like that 1100 mile trek. It took many baby steps and missteps and getting lost at times and the kindness of strangers to reach Rome. It will take time to learn this new practice and to let the real me shine, to simply be the I am that I am.

Gospel reading: Luke 10- rough notes

Forgive the stream-of-consciousness style of writing today. 

I came across this note this morning, written some time ago.  This is based on a short message by my priest, which inspired many other connections to the main idea.  Each week, Reverend Keith asks us to think about one word or phrase or idea which sticks out in our minds or catches our attention.    The gospel reading is from Luke 10- Jesus is sending out the 72 disciples to the people who are oppressed. This passage is about miracles and proclaiming the kingdom of heaven is near. 

Luke 10:1-9 (NIV)

After this the Lord appointed seventy-two others and sent them two by two ahead of him to every town and place where he was about to go. 2 He told them, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field. 3 Go! I am sending you out like lambs among wolves. 4 Do not take a purse or bag or sandals; and do not greet anyone on the road.5 “When you enter a house, first say, ‘Peace to this house.’ 6 If someone who promotes peace is there, your peace will rest on them; if not, it will return to you. 7 Stay there, eating and drinking whatever they give you, for the worker deserves his wages. Do not move around from house to house.

8 “When you enter a town and are welcomed, eat what is offered to you. 9 Heal the sick who are there and tell them, ‘The kingdom of God has come near to you.’ 

I was arrested by this first thought from Father Keith’s take on the Gospel reading: 

The world is not a problem to be solved. Give your peace. Pronounce blessing on others (whether or not you think they deserve it or will accept it). 

As I re-read this now with new eyes, so to speak, I get what he was saying.

The world is not a problem to be solved.  This comes in line with what Micheal A Singer is teaching about these soul disturbances.  Stop looking to “fix” the exterior world.  Instead, stop.  Give your peace.  Pronounce your blessing on others.  Withholding your blessing only hurts you, festers fear and anger in your own soul.  Let it go.  

I thought of Emerson’s body of work on Self-reliance as Jesus instructed his friends to not even take money with them.  The universe would provide what they needed.  This is the opposite of Emerson’s idea of relying only on the self, though I get that Emerson was preaching more about not relying on others to define oneself or one’s values.  I think Emerson teeters on the edge of this spiritual breakthrough...but he still relies heavily on the mind and one’s own thoughts.  His take is less about spirit and more about an individual’s thoughts.   As I re-read Emerson now, maybe my first instinct was wrong.  He does talk about Soul as the center of self and nonconformity of the individual as thinking independently from the hive mentality of society.  It means not being afraid of being misunderstood or being afraid to change your mind, regardless of what other people think you should do.  It’s about being true to your inner self.  

Then I thought of the elegant and gracious work by Satish Kumar, You Are, Therefore I Am- A declaration of dependence (2008).  In this sweet volume, Kumar relates his personal story growing up as a Jain monk in India.  Kumar talks about learning the five basic practices of a Jain monk, beginning with the first two: 

            1. Ahimsa, this is the principle of non-violence.  Do no harm to yourself or others.  Avoid harmful thought, words, and actions.  Refuse to hold on to negative thoughts, refuse to speak evil, refuse to be a part of cruelty.  Discipline yourself to develop “good will, positive thought, gentle speech, and loving action” (p.54). 

            2.  Satya is the principle of truth.  This, according to his guru, means “understanding the true nature of existence, including the true nature of oneself: accepting reality as it is and being truthful to it, attempting to see things as they are without judging them as good or bad...[It means] don’t have illusions about yourself: how important you are, how unimportant you are, how good you are, how bad you are.  Suspend all judgments.  Face the truth without fear. Things are as they are: they are not good or bad, weak or strong.  These are all interpretations” (54-55).

I thought of Kumar’s basic premise of the book: we are interdependent on each other, on the earth.  Everything is interconnected.  We are not alone.  We need each other.  We ARE each other.  There is no otherness. We are all a part of this created world.    

I thought of Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s seminal work on understanding that we (the church) are interdependent.  We cannot experience Christ outside of community.  Sure, we may gain insights into our interior selves in moments of isolation.  But few of us are called to be monks or hermits.  We experience love in community.  It may be imperfect, a faulty copy of the real thing, but it is a glimpse of eternal love.

 

These ideas of community and interdependence are much more in line with 1st century church thinking than this modern idea that we are separate from the rest of creation and can do whatever we want to others and to the planet.   

I thought of the web of life. We are a part of creation - we are the incarnation of spirit. 

Dorothy L. Sayers’ essays on incarnational living build on this idea of original participation.  We are called to participate with nature, with all of creation.  

I thought of Galatians 6 and Saint Paul's admonition that we need each other, of Thomas Merton and his declaration of our interdependence on all of creation.  These are not eastern mystics, though they have more in common with eastern mysticism than “American Christianity”.  

I thought of this idea of declaring that the kingdom of heaven is near.  I thought of Ed Gungor’s sermons on how God hides himself. Then reveals himself to those who seek. He often speaks of this cosmic game of hide and seek.  If you look for God, the eternal one, the Creator, you will find Spirit.  This is the “openness” of spirit that Singer alludes to, I think.  Jesus said “if you seek me, you will find me”.  We just have to drop our preconceived ideas of what God must look like, act like, do for us, or we might miss him, like the people of Jesus’ time missed their savior, because he didn’t look or act like they thought he should. 

In the same way, if you look for people who are seeking connection with spirit, with God, you will find them. 

Today, I am listening to Chuck Jonkey’s India Meditation album.

My discipline and practice today is to fast and to meditate, not on what I think I need or how God should appear to me, but on being open.  My practice is to recognize when I am disturbed inside and to consciously awake, to stop, relax, and let go of my preconceived ideas of how things should be or how people should act... you get it.  This is my intention for the day.

Post-Script

After listening to several more interviews with Michael A. Singer (see Oprah's Super Soul Sunday and others on The Untethered Soul), I realize that my diatribe against the so-called "Christian Right" is just the disturbance of my own soul, my own expectations of how this world "should be", or my desires for how I think the world "should" act. I cannot control anyone.

But I can control myself and manage my expectations, letting go of attachments. 

The New Harbinger interview with Michael A Singer (see link above) called “What Do You Really Want” on YouTube is by far the most concise, most clear explanation I have heard on spirituality. 

To be clear, I am not anti-Christian. I love God. I love people (at least I want to love people...). I know this will sound defensive... What I opposed in the last essay was the political arm of so-called "Christianity in America". It is not a diatribe against Christians who walk in love. But....after listening to Michael A. Singer and Eckhart Tolle, I realize that my visceral reaction to what I perceive as injustice is just so much noise. The disturbance is in me. Why am I so worked up over these issues? What does it benefit my soul to be angry, to hold on to these disturbances? To rail against the current administration? It just keeps me in an angry state and keeps me rehashing the same narratives...like an old person whose brain is stuck in a rut. Repeating the same stories over and over...

What does it benefit anyone? What does it benefit my own soul? Why do I engage in conflict?

As an example, I said something to a family member the other day about some social justice issue and a discussion that I would help lead about said issue. I knew it would only disturb my family member. I knew that she has a totally different world view. I knew that she would want to argue about this issue. So why did I bring it up? Why did I then engage with her in this argument?   She reacted negatively and I reacted to her reaction.  We were both “disturbed” in our selves and angry!  

I immediately thought of Jesus warning his disciples not to throw your pearls before swine, lest they turn around viciously attack you. I took something precious to me, this idea of social justice that I struggled with for years to define, to embrace. To me this struggle to understand others and have compassion for others is precious, because I was transformed through the struggle. My transformation is precious.  So why did I throw my pearls before swine? Not saying my family member is a pig. But I took something precious to me, an ideal, a spiritual metamorphosis, and I shared it with a family member who does not get it, at all, who in fact despises these same ideals. I knew that before I even brought the subject up. So why did I provoke my family? It only caused disturbance in my soul. And I know that I am responsible for provoking a disturbance in my sibling's soul.

What benefit was there to this exchange? Did I convince her that she should be more compassionate? No, she only felt the need to defend her sense of self against the threat of my ideals.  Just because I was transformed doesn’t mean she has to be transformed or come to the same understanding.  I was trying to convert her to my experience.  Of course, she is resistant!  It’s just another form of control or manipulation if I don’t let her find her own path to enlightenment.  

So what can I learn from this experience? As Michael A. Singer teaches, we can recognize when we feel a disturbance (anger, hatred, FEAR, disappointment, defensiveness, etc) and stop. We can literally tell ourselves, "STOP! You don't have to engage with this disturbance. You can breathe. Relax. Step back. Let it go. Let this negative energy pass through you. Don't hang on to it. Don't try to define your life by this "belief".  Don’t try to define yourself as being “right.”   Let it go." 

MY definition of what the world should be is not the only definition. My world view is exactly that, mine. But I don't have the right to expect and demand that everyone else share it.

Singer talks about these disturbances of psyche as being OPEN or CLOSED to the universe. When I am open to life unfolding, I am filled with wonder, curiosity, and joy. And in the midst of that, if I can step back long enough from being entangled with these arguments or negative emotions, I can sit in pure joy. Someone could be yelling at me and I could actually find joy in that moment.

When I am CLOSED, I have a specific set of demands for the universe to make my life "perfect". For example, I may think I can only be happy if... If I live somewhere else... If I have so much money...If I have a romantic relationship where someone loves me...If I have a nice house or nice cars...a great job... Or if I avoid certain things....like, I would be happy if only I didn't have to deal with so-and-so...or I would be happy if only I wasn't __________ (fill in the blank). So we spend our lives trying to fill them with things or preconceived ideas of what we think we want, or we spend our lives trying to avoid certain things or relationships...all that energy wasted trying to get or avoid.

I want to be OPEN. I want to stay in that OPEN state. I've experienced it before and was amazed at how the universe (God) provided everything I need...and so many times it was so much better than what I thought I needed or wanted. 

I've been living CLOSED. I've been judgmental and felt judged.  You reap what you sow.  It's time to LET GO. Let go of expectations. Let go of desires. Let go of fears. Let go of how I think the world SHOULD BE. And be OPEN to what comes. Be open to this amazing, miraculous world. Be open to experiences and relationships as they unfold.

So, I'm leaving my judgmental diatribe on the "Rise of Fascism in 21st Century America" as a reminder to myself to let go of my rigid ideas and expectations of this world. Yes, I've put it out there, but I leave it to remind myself that I have so much further to go in my spiritual awakening. And that's what I think I really want: To wake up to joy. To wake up to who I really am. To be awake to life every day, every moment, in every circumstance, every relationship. To let the past go. To let go of my expectations. To embrace joy, and find freedom.

Today marks Day One of my new spiritual journey: 21 days of fasting and practicing openness.  This is not my happiness experiment.  This is the 21-day Openness Experiment.  I hope you’ll join me.  

If you have ideas on how to stay OPEN to your inner self, let me know. If you have strategies which you use to relax and embrace your higher self, please feel free to share. Or if you have strategies which help you recognize when you are CLOSED, please share.