Happy Thanksgiving everyday...

Yep, I'm still giving thanks for everything like hot chocolate, music from the 1970s (James Taylor, Chicago, Bread, Elton John, Tony Orlando, The Carpenters, Captain and Tennille, Anne Murray, John Denver), and so many songs from when I was a little kid.

I remember my older sister had a 45 rpm record player and single albums with songs like "Song Sung Blue", "Monday, Monday", "Seasons in the Sun"... Something by the Allman Brothers, the Osmonds, and Elton John. Oh, and ABC, 1-2-3 by the Jackson Five! I think the flip side was "One Bad Apple". Remember "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother (Osmonds?)"? ...and something by the Partridge Family.

Ah, good memories. I used to walk through the wheat fields singing all the angst-ridden love songs from my sister's record collection.

Oh, and remember those little transistor radios? I had a cool orange one. I loved mornings at our house. Dad always had the radio on in the mornings. I think KMOX even played some music back then. It was a mix of news-talk radio with a wake up call to the tune of "Seventy-six Trombones"or some rousing John Phillip Souza piece in the morning. I distinctly remember singing "Delta Dawn" along with the radio while locked down in the kitchen doing dishes.

So grateful for wonderful memories of my family. Sadly, we are scattered around the world.

Still thankful for the incredibly challenging courses and wonderful new colleagues to share new memories with (Yes, I know that's a dangling preposition). I'm looking forward to creating wonderful memories with friends and family this year and in the years to come.

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

It's sooo true.  I have been surprised by joy at every turn since I arrived in Oregon 8 weeks ago!

Last night, in class, the topic was gratitude.  Woo hoo!  I got to share with my class how my life has turned around since I really began to grasp what gratitude does for our attitudes.  

Now it might be easy to sum up my life's experiences in the past 6 months as gratitude + positive words =happy change in life's circumstances.  It might even seem like I'm preaching about a formula.  But the truth is, I earnestly sought God first and foremost.  I asked him to make HIS desires MY desires, so that when I asked for stuff, I was asking what HE wanted for me.

Partnering with God is not an option.  Jesus said that apart from him we could do nothing; that he is the vine, we are the branches.  So remaining tied in, connected to the source of life is KEY!

THEN add to that gratitude + positive words and hopes and dreams...and THEN eventually you'll see your circumstances turn around OR maybe you won’t.  Maybe your circumstances will still be the same, but your perspective will change!  

When I started this experiment, I also said like Job, "even if God slay me, I won't curse him."  I was committed to maintaining a faith-filled attitude which started with being grateful daily; FINDING something, anything to be grateful for on a daily basis.  And I realized that even if my circumstances DIDN'T turn around, that I would still be happier and more fulfilled because I was looking at the glass half-full or even 3/4 full! And eventually I saw my cup full and running over.  I began to be grateful for even the tiniest things; good weather, sunrises, a smile, the sound of laughter.  

I love what C.S. Lewis said, (paraphrased) I do not pray because it changes my circumstances.  I pray because it changes ME.

But the neat thing is this.  God honors his word.  So I decided to believe what Jesus said.  If Jesus said it, I began to trust that it could be my reality.  Jesus said that we would ask for anything in his name and it would be given to us.  He said that what we believe in our hearts and SPEAK with our mouths would become reality!  Some call this a "name it and claim it" philosophy.  I think it’s more self-fulfilling prophecy.  What we say about ourselves tends to come true.  You know what I mean.  What’s that old saying?  “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, either way, you’re right.”  What you think you are capable of, you are right.  If you’ve already made up your mind that you can’t, well, you can’t. 

What I sought God for first, then got ahold of with my spirit and developed a grateful attitude about, then spoke with my mouth ( I prayed for it, I wrote down what I wanted, I told others what I wanted) came true.  So many of the things I asked for and believed that I would actually get, have already come to pass.  I can't wait to see the rest of my dreams come true.  But they didn’t come to me the way I thought.  In fact, my circumstances did change.  But then, our circumstances ALWAYS change.  Nothing remains the same forever.  So you could argue that my positive thinking and my words did nothing to affect my situation, and you might be right.  What I do know is that my perspective changed, my attitudes changed.  I was a joyful person again.  

But the good news is that Jesus didn't just say, "Whatever Gigi wants and believes will be reality."  He said that anyone could ask our heavenly Father and it would be done.

Here's hoping that you dig to know Christ a little deeper and that all your dreams become realities.  

Here’s hoping that we never forget that even if our circumstances don’t change like we hoped, that even then because we practice gratitude, our hearts will be changed, our attitudes will be refreshing.  So, no this isn’t really prescriptive.  This is NOT a formula of  Gratitude + Positive Words = happy circumstances.  No, if you are looking for a formula,  it’s more like gratitude + positive words= happier me with the ability to recognize the good around me and accept changes as they come my way with grace and joy and hope.  

Looking Backwards (a work decidedly NOT by Edward Bellamy, though perhaps a bit utopian just the same)

I just re-read a few of my original posts from June when I first started this experiment in happiness.  Everything I asked for is coming true!   Every dream to which I tenaciously clung, every positive declaration, every hope for a better future is here NOW!  

I am more convinced than ever that Jesus wasn't messin' around when he told us that what we believe in our hearts and what we ask for or speak with our mouths WILL be done by our heavenly Father.

People look at my life right now and say things like, "WOW!  how did you end up living in such an amazing place?  We've lived here for years and always dreamed that we could afford a place up there on the hill." Or "how did you get a paid graduate assistantship with a tuition remission?  Those are so hard to come by right now with University budget cuts..."  Or "how are you able to give generously to others when you had NOTHING only 7 weeks ago?"

It is amazing how things have turned out.  I'm so joyful and grateful.  I feel like I'm saying "Thank you" non-stop.  First, let me say that I am deeply indebted to my family and friends who helped me out.

But if you want to know why things are finally working out for me, after years of hardship and struggle, go back and read the first month of entries in this blog.  I'm simply beginning to reap the harvest of my words and the intentions of my heart (with the grace of God).  It's no real credit to me.

I just finally decided to believe that God is not a liar.  And if he's not a liar, then there must be some truth about what he said about the attitudes of our hearts and the words of our mouths in creating realities.  But you can read all about my thoughts on the Grand Unifying Element and laws of the Universe from my blogs in June.  

All I can say is that if it worked for me, it can work for you, too.  Don't believe me?  Try it for yourself.  What kind of realities do you create with your words?  Are you living the life you want?  What kinds of things do you believe about yourself?  What kinds of words are coming out of your mouth?  I'm just now reaping the harvest of the words I spoke this past June.  It may not happen overnight, this shift in the universe, but it will bring joy to your heart if you let it.

Now before you throw me out as a heretic, go back and read the blogs from the beginning.  I'm only summing up a bit here and hoping to challenge you to think about what comes out of your mouth.  Are you verbally vomiting on everyone around you?  Or are you encouraging yourself and others?  You CAN change your mind, change your life, and change your world!

Just breathing...

Viphasana meditation or mindfulness meditation is as simple as breathing in and breathing out.  There are other types of meditation in which one tries to shift an object with one's mind.  But mindful meditation is as simple as choosing to be aware of one's own self.

So for the purposes of my own observations, today I am focusing on...well, on me!  I'm doing an exercise in stream of consciousness writing.  You've been warned!  I write every bit as tediously  as M. Honore de Balzac, though, obviously, without his charming, eccentric characters.  

As I breathe in and out slowly, I am aware that my breathing is a bit congested.  My neck and back are a bit sore.  I smell my pumpkin spice coffee and wonder why none of the coffee I've had lately tastes as good as it smells.  Oops...back to me.

Sit up straight, relax.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  We can't survive for more than 3 minutes without air.  I feel the air filling my lungs.  Oxygen (and a teeny bit of nitrogen) is absorbed by my lungs alveoli which push this life-giving oxygen into my bloodstream.  It's amazing how God created this planet for carbon-based life forms.  Our bodies are factories which take raw materials like carbons (in the form of foods) and oxygen from the air and break it down into molecules to be absorbed by the body to produce energy.

But, I'm supposed to be calming my mind, not getting all excited over the miracle of life.  Breathe in slowly, exhale slowly. 

I push aside thoughts of everything that has happened in the past few days or things on my radar for the near future; new job, new schedule, projects and papers which are due next week, reading assignments which must be completed... 

Breathe in....I'm grateful for a new life.

Breathe out...I want to share my joy with others.

Breathe in....Be still.

Breathe out...Focus on the air leaving my lungs.

Breathe in...If I can be still long enough, maybe I can hear God whispering.

Breathe out... Maybe I can hear what my body has been trying to tell me, like 'I need protein or good shoes or a warmer sweater.'

Breathe in....I AM GRATEFUL!

Breathe out... I'm thankful for so much.

Breathe in... Shhhhhh!

Breathe out... It's time to be quiet and listen.

Breathe in... my pulse is slowing.

Breathe out...

Embrace the Paradox

"Embrace the paradox" has become my new mantra.  What does one do with inconsistencies in one's life?  My friend, Sarah, is uber-sensitive (and I mean that in a good way) to what she calls hypocrisy.  But hypocrisy is in all of us, right?  We intend, even declare, that we should live one way and find ourselves doing the very opposite of our intensions.

So, how do I embrace the paradox?  What does that mean for me?  Can I reconcile two seemingly opposed realities or ideals?  I asked this of myself as I entered the Miao Fa Chan Buddhist Temple on Sunday morning.  I was kindly directed to the "English" service where the head monk, Fa Thai, was leading a small group in silent meditation.

I quickly slipped off my shoes, tiptoed across the back of the room, found a cushion to sit on and joined the others on the floor.  Then, I just sat in silence.  I felt my pulse slow down and thanked God for another opportunity to embrace people from a different culture.  As I sat, I became aware of my body, feeling the aches and pains that sitting on the floor can bring.  I was aware that my feet were bare and cold and looked dry.  I tried to cover them with my long skirt.  I concentrated on my breathing, then opened my eyes to really take the time to look at the room I was in, remembering that one mantra in meditation is to be "fully present."

At the front of the room, in front of an altar of sorts with flowers and foods on it, sat Fa Thai in his gold and brown robes.  He sat cross legged on the floor with palms up, looking relaxed.  Behind him were enormous golden statues of Buddha and two other Chinese Gods (?).  One looked like the household god with red face and angry beard, the other looked like a woman deity wielding a sword, while in the middle was the central god with multiple arms to bring justice and mercy.  I thought of how Jesus said he came to bring a sword and yet, he is the prince of Peace.  And how he delivers justice and mercy.  

After 10 minutes or so, Fa Thai quietly began to talk about mindfulness.  He talked about breathing, being aware of one's own body.  He even mentioned the pain one feels after a few minutes if sitting still.  He spoke of suffering in this body, nirvana and dharma (or compassion) and non-violence.  He asked questions of those gathered there.  The atmosphere was gentle and welcoming.  Participants could ask questions of the monk.  It was more of a dialogue than a diatribe.

And that's when I had my first revelation or cultural insight.  In Western culture, we place "authorities" above us, yet here was a spiritual leader sitting down on the floor and talking WITH those who were gathered.  In most western churches, we place our leaders on platforms, above the people so they can talk AT the people.  Is it any wonder that so many of our leaders are able to manipulate and abuse those given to their charge????  When we place pastors on pedestals and call them "authorities" OVER us, is it any surprise that so many of them get big heads and run amuck??  Hmmm...interesting.  I wonder if Jesus always tried to stand OVER people, physically, to impress on them that HE was the great teacher?  I tend to think not.

Now as I understand paradox, we must embrace both.  One way is not better than the other.  In certain situations, the western tradition of placing a speaker or leader ABOVE the crowd is just more practical. In other situations, the eastern way of sitting on the same level as the crowd would be more practical.

After a few chants and prayers and offerings (Fa Thai explained the 'why' behind each action), Fa Thai stood and took a simple silver or tin bowl filled with water.  He dipped a small bundle of reeds in it and 'shook' a blessing over the crowd.  Now, some Christians would be offended that I allowed the monk to bless me with his Buddhist blessing, but I figure that kind wishes and good thoughts are always welcome, no matter the source.  And water has always been symbolic in the church as a cleansing.  So I celebrated the blessing.

Afterward, Fa Thai met with anyone who wanted to speak to him.  I introduced myself and asked if he would be willing to address my class.  He graciously accepted and then invited me to stay for a vegetarian lunch. 

I decided to stay and meet the others, perhaps find out their stories.  Besides, the temple was filled with Chinese, Vietnamese, and Thai people....I knew the food would be good!  Now, in the Buddhist tradition, food is offered to the ancestors first, then the monks, then the parishioners.

It's amazing how little the ancestors eat!  ha ha ha  Again, I was struck by the concept of the Christian tradition of the "communion of saints" and how this must be much closer to the original tradition in the church than our modern, total disregard of those who have gone on before us.  Are we or are we not surrounded by a "great crowd of witnesses"?  hmmm...more food for thought...so to speak...

Now the monks must eat first, because they are only allowed to eat before noon each day.  After that, they fast.  So if the monks at the temple do not eat by noon, they must wait until the next day to eat.  

I met people of all backgrounds from China, Thailand, Taiwan, and all over the US.  It was an eclectic bunch which gathered there.  Each had come for their own reasons and had decided to stay.  I was there as an observer, but if I am to get the most out of my experience, then I must embrace what my conscience will allow.  I am there to learn how I can grow as a follower of Christ.  What practices or principles will help my faith to grow?  Which ones will challenge my assumptions?  Can God speak to me in a Buddhist temple?  Absolutely!  What a joy to be among such diverse people!!!

Reading list

I'm so grateful for each new day in Oregon. Part of the joy of grad school is the reading list. I get to read all these great books and reflect on how their message affects me personally and also how it affects the sustainable world at large. I keep asking, "What role does spirituality have to play in the sustainable community?"

What role has religion/ spirituality played in the past (esp. as I focus on lessons from the sustainable communities of the Middle Ages)? How important is spirituality in our modern world which seems so focused on technology and information, yet is more disconnected than ever from the earth and the rest of creation?

So here are a few books which I am reading for my classes in Spiritual Leadership, Permaculture, and Educational Research:

You Are, Therefore I Am by Satish Kumar
The Earth Path by Starhawk
The Courage to Teach: Exploring the Inner Landscape by Parker J. Palmer
The Tao of Leadership
Permaculture: A Designer's Manual by Bill Mollison
Gaia's Garden by Toby Hemenway
Educational Research - Competencies in Analysis (basic text book on research strategies)

If you are a teacher, you'll love almost anything by Parker Palmer as he delves into the internal process of being the best teacher you can be. He explores the inner lives of teachers.

I'm also throwing in a dose of Thomas Merton with a Book of Hours based on the writings of Merton for daily meditation and chewing on the concept of relationships (types of) in C.S Lewis' The Four Loves.

The basic concept of permaculture (permanent culture + permanent agriculture) is that we are all part of the whole. Where does man fit into the ecosystems? What roles do we play? How can we be connected while maintaining the ideal of "do the least harm" to the rest of the earth? Understanding relationships is KEY! When we see ourselves in relationship to others, to the earth, to God, how does that transform our actions, our attitudes?

Well, I'm off to do some more reading! Have a blessed day!

Whew! so much to do...and be!

Well, I finished my long trek across the US, landed in the Portland area (stayed with great friends along the way in Denver and Salt Lake City), and finished my first full week of Grad School! I love it!

Tons of reading...in fact, I still have 3 more chapters to read for a class tonight. I'm taking a full 12 hour course load, plus have to volunteer (as part of the program) at 2 sites: one for my permaculture class and one for my spiritual leadership class. I'm still pursuing ideas for both projects and trying to tie up loose ends by the end of this week. Project proposals are due next week!

Still applying for grad assistantships in education and sustainability...and looking for a more permanent place to roost. I may have an offer close to school (it would be ideal!)...and in the meantime, I'm nestled down in Woodburn, OR with my new friends Jon and Sarah. They are AMAZINGLY generous and warm people. I couldn't have landed with more open, lovely people!

I'm grateful for every day here in Portland. It's just breathtaking. It's nothing to see a double rainbow almost daily. It rains almost every day, but there's plenty of sunshine in between.

I'm so thankful for the kindness of so many who helped me get here: my family, my friends, and God.

Here's hoping that all your dreams come true and that you keep pursuing them, no matter how difficult or unattainable they seem at times!

Amazing grace

Wow! I've been on and on about trying to get to grad school in Portland for some time now. I'm sure everyone else is tired of hearing me preach about hugging trees and saving the planet.

It's been hard financially since 2006, when I had my last steady income-producing job. Since then, I've gone back to school, completed my bachelor's degrees and optimistically applied for over 1,000..yes, ONE THOUSAND jobs. I moved to Austin, thinking maybe I could find a job there, armed with my 2 degrees and years of experience as a teacher and in a corporate environment. I moved to Galveston after 8 months of job hunting and zero job interviews.

I worked in real estate and enjoyed it until Hurricane Ike blew me out of town, leaving most of my possessions in ruins. I had just taken a job as a barista at Mod Coffee to help pay the bills between commission checks when the hurricane devastated Galveston last year. My apartment was demolished, Mod Coffee was more than 8 feet under water, and suddenly I had more real estate clients than I could handle, but no commissions were paid because apartment managers said my services were redundant.

I already knew that I wanted to go back to school, but didn't know where exactly. But I had it in my heart to try to move to Oregon (even before the storm hit). Then I found the grad education program at Portland State. This was it for me! I knew that it was the one program I had been searching for since 2007.

So I gathered what belongings I could salvage after the storm and moved to Houston, to my brother's home (temporarily, I thought) and I began the job hunt all over again until I could start grad school. Today is the one year anniversary of evacuating the island. In the last year I have applied for hundreds more jobs: temp, seasonal, part-time, full-time, retail, office, you-name-it!

And I began to think that maybe the reason I couldn't get a job was all part of God's plan for making me uncomfortable...making me restless so I wouldn't settle until I had moved to Oregon. I accepted that jobs seemed to elude me and I made the most of my time to write a collection of poetry for children. And I went ahead with plans to go to grad school at Portland State, continuing to apply for jobs and scholarships and grants.

And I prayed for provision. Paying my bills month by month, always wondering where the money would come from, would I have enough? and I've eeked by with the help of family and the grace of God. Somehow, through the generosity of family I have had enough.

But I ran out of money this month. It seems sort of appropriate. There's something so final about it. No money for the phone bill, no money for car insurance, no money for gas or food or an apartment deposit in Portland. No money for school. Student loans will only cover about 2/3 of the bill. No grad scholarships came in, no grants, no graduate assistantships.

I'm just empty and still trying to cling to a dream, a hope for a future. I admit I'm distressed. I've tried to walk by faith that God would provide. I've done everything to look for work. I've tried to be productive with my time. I've prayed and prayed.

And then today, I got a text message from an old friend, who is struggling to survive and to provide for her child...it said, "Pack your bags. We're sending money for gas." Then my sis-in-law offered to pay one of my bills.

And I am truly humbled. How can others continue to give sacrificially to help me achieve my dreams? It seems so selfish of me to be this needy. Poverty is the great humiliator, believe me! But it's even more humbling to know that when I was ready to give up, because I could not see a way out, friends and family picked up my dream, dusted it off, and set me on my way again.

I still don't know exactly how I will get to Portland or where I will stay once I get there or how I will pay for school or how I will even pay for my phone or car insurance, but God knows. And those he calls, he also equips. and I'm clinging tenaciously to that promise! Because my friends are sacrificially clinging to that promise for me too!

Dreams, Oregon or Bust

I had a dream the other night. Ya know, the kind you can't shake and think, "Maybe God is trying to tell me something."

I often invite God to speak to me in my dreams, 'cause I figure that when I'm "conscious" I'm often too busy or preoccupied with my own thoughts to listen. So if necessary, God may speak to me in a dream, 'cause otherwise, I just am too busy to listen.

So I dreamed that I was going to Grad school back in Tulsa at ORU. It was the second day of classes and I was going to be late for my first class on the first floor of the library building. When I arrived at the assigned classroom, there was a sign saying that the classroom had been changed and directing me to the 6th floor of the same building (where ORU's Mission Department was housed). So I took a series of elevators to the 5th floor, got off, ran up the stairs to the classroom, and sat in my seat just as the bell was ringing. Whew!

As I settled into the class, I saw a HUGE grizzly bear out of the corner of my eye. I jumped and looked again. Yep! A gianormous grizzly bear was sitting in the classroom. I started to laugh at the absurdity of it, when I noticed that the bear was staring straight at me. I nudged my neighbors around me and joked that the university's standards for admission had really gone down. They laughed and said, "Uh...you know that bear is staring at you, right? And it looks like he intends to eat you."

I tried to remain focused on the class, but began thinking of ways to escape as soon as the class was over. I knew that bears can travel as fast as 40 miles per hour. No way could I outrun it, and it did seem intent on attacking me. Just as the dismissal bell rang, I saw a rope hanging from a balcony. I slipped my back pack on and made a beeline for the rope, while the bear made a beeline for me. My only thought was, "I've GOT TO MOVE, NOW!" I grabbed the rope, flung myself over the edge and rapelled down to the first floor. When I looked up, the grizzly was towering over the edge, sniffing the air and looking for me, but I ran on to my next class.

When I awoke, I tried to interpret the dream, but all I could come up with was that I must have missed God. After all, I was at the wrong school, the wrong classroom, and the only sign or direction I had was going to the missions department area... It's September already and I still have no money to make the trip to Portland, much less pay for grad school or get an apartment. I don't even have money to buy dogfood for my dog or get gas for my car. And in spite of my multiple efforts to get a job, ANY job, for the past 18-24 months, I've had only 2 job interviews and NO job offers. Not even retail jobs or seasonal work or temp work.

But if I had missed God (which is highly likely), then why did he let me go on thinking that I should move to Oregon and go to grad school there for an entire year? Why not at least let me get a job and support myself for the past year? Now it's too late to get into another grad school this year. PSU's program doesn't start until Sept. 28th. Most other grad schools started classes in August. So I was discouraged and was kicking myself for messing up another year of my life with poor choices...

And then I felt in the back of my mind that I was still missing the point of the dream and that I should talk to my old friend, Ruth Marie about it. I know that she is very intuitive spiritually. I needed to tell her the dream and ask her to help me interpret it, if she was so inclined. I had to wait 3 days to talk to her about it.

And as I began re-telling the dream, I began to see where I had misunderstood or misinterpreted it the first time. Portland State isn't the wrong grad school, ORU isn't the right one for me. I'm in the wrong place NOW. I need to move. If I don't move soon, that financial bear will continue to attack me. I have to get up and get going. I have to escape.

Now, I'm not one to assign too much importance to dreams. After all, sometimes a dream is just a dream, the result of indigestion or some such thing. And sometimes our dreams reveal to us what is deep in our hearts (call it a word from God, if you will). But it's true: I feel that if I don't get out of here soon (though I am EXTREMELY grateful to my family for ALL their love and support and generosity), I will only continue in poverty longer. I have to move! I have to move now!

I don't know how, but then God called Abraham to get up and go to a place he would show him. And Abraham packed up all his stuff and got on the road. And he was rewarded for his faith. He believed and acted on it.

So this week, as I finish up a paint job at my brother's house and try to submit my manuscript to a publisher, I'm going to start packing my car. I have no money to pay my bills. But I'm going to begin packing...it's the only thing I know to do. People will probably think I'm crazy. But then they've always thought of me as eccentric anyway... so I might as well pack up my car and my dog and sell whatever is left in my storage unit (since I can't pay for it anyway) and begin the journey to Oregon. I'm frightened spitless, but I'll bet Abraham was too.

Vacationing in Tyler

I'm so grateful for the opportunity to stay at my brother's vacation spot on Lake Palestine this week. I've written 25 new couplets and rhymes and posted them at Imagination's Door blog.

Sam is happy. We've gone fishing and walking and biking. I'm trying to complete enough poems and rhymes to submit to a publisher next week. I've even begun a few sketches/illustrations.

I'm grateful and happy and believing for the next phase in Portland. I was thrilled to meet up with an old college buddy Sunday night and we're meeting for dinner tonight. It's just good to reconnect with old friends! Yay!

It poured down rain yesterday afternoon, a lovely break from the heat followed. Had a cool, pleasant evening on the balcony. Nice!

I made my way to the local library and got online. Just finished posting all 25 new poems. Yippee! Already started the outline and germ for a couple of short stories, too.

Welp, time to run! Gotta get back to my pooch and enjoy the Texas sun while I can!
Thank you, God, for the generosity of my family, allowing my to vacation here and get away to be creative. Thank you!