Writing blues and keeping it real

 September is here… and my friend, Rusty, challenged me to write an original blues song for our band, The T Street Band, based out of Corona, CA.   Things are beginning to take off for the band.  It’s rewarding to be able to play and make music with this amazing group of musicians.  

I’m gearing up our marketing campaign for a bigger push at the new year: creating marketing materials, graphic design, contracts, social media, and reaching out to our wonderful fan base.  Our fans are our friends.  They are dear, sweet people who want to make the most of life, celebrate the ordinary, and dance the night away.  What could be better?  I can’t think of a more fulfilling way to spend my weekends!

As always, I never seem to have enough time to do everything I need or want.  I’m also singing with another band since April, Music Masters Big Band from Upland.  We have a gig in October and the rehearsals are a great challenge.  I do enjoy singing jazz, swing, jive, and big band tunes.  But if I’m honest, the dynamics of the band are strained and not fun right now.    But I’m not one to give up easily, so I’m sticking with them at least through the end of the year.  If the vibe of the band does not change, I will gladly surrender my position to another vocalist.  I’m sure they can find someone more qualified.  But for now, I split my time by learning new songs for big band Monday through Wednesday, and new songs for the blues band Thursday through Saturday.

In March, I decided to take a one year Sabbatical from leading worship with the contemporary band at my little episcopal church.  Though the music director has retired since then, and the church seems in desperate need of help, I just can’t let myself be dragged back in to yet another series of rehearsals and volunteering non-stop.  I’ve learned that no one should be dependent on me to volunteer to do everything.  It’s okay to say, “No.”  If I volunteer for everything, then other people who could be stepping up never do.  They think, “Oh, someone else will do it.”  But I’m taking a break from donating all of my free time, though I’ve been happy to share my time and talents for decades.  So, I’m saying, “no.”  Some people have tried to pressure me to come back, but I’m done with toxic Christianity, always demanding more.  It’s never enough, is it?  And maybe it’s less about others pressuring me, as it was my own inner drive, always feeling like I’m not enough, I don’t do enough.  So, I’m letting go.  And kudos to my priest, the Rev. Keith Yamamoto, who never pressures anyone.  Sweet.

Soooo, back to the challenge to write original songs for the blues band…Challenge accepted!  I figured if I could write poetry, I could at least write lyrics for a song.  So I started with a basic 12 bar blues tune.  You can’t plagiarize 12 bar blues, because almost all blues is based on this musical riff.  

Now, the reason Rusty Wise (lead guitar) and I started The T Street Band about a year ago is because we both share a love of playing the blues.  It sounds like an oxymoron to say I LOVE the blues, it makes me happy, but it does!  There’s something about it, for me, that helps me celebrate life.  Our joy in playing the blues tends to shine through.  But what to write about?

I recently heard a phrase in a Brazilian series, “the past is like old clothes that don’t fit anymore”.  I was struck by this turn of phrase.  It’s definitely in line with my own mantra of letting go of the past and expectations of the future to live in the moment.  So, in keeping with the common thread of angst in blues music, I wrote “Old Shoe Blues”.  The refrain goes something like: 

        Got them old shoe blues when you walked out the door

        Got them old shoe blues, don’t wanna see you no more.

        I thought I- needed you, but now I see that your

        Love’s like an old pair of shoes that just don’t fit anymore.

Eh, it’s a work in progress.  I wonder if other songwriters write and re-write and re-write and keep tweaking their songs….do they ever feel like, “That’s the best I can do, that song cannot be improved upon”?  Because I feel like I need to keep changing it.  Mind you, I’m sure they edit and revise songs, but I never quite feel like it’s complete.

Then, I felt inspired again to write another song.  Now, my brother-in-law kept pressing me for an explanation of the inspiration behind my second blues tune, “If You’re Looking For A Fight, You’ll Find It”, but I’m not dumb enough to look for a fight. LOL!   It deals with toxic Christians who go around trying to make the world into their own image, and who are never happy.  Obviously, toxic personalities are NOT only drawn to religion or Christianity.  Gosh, 99% of humans are toxic, always unhappy, complaining, negative people who judge life, the world, and everyone “else”, and can’t see that we are all connected.  I mean, keeping it real now, I still fall into that old mindset from time to time.  Hopefully, I am waking up more often and recognizing my own judgments.

So, for those who would ask, “Isn’t it hypocritical to write a song about hypocrites?”  Yes!  It definitely is!  I am a hypocrite!  LOL.  Aren’t we all? You know the old expression, “I just can’t tolerate intolerant people”, right?!   I laugh because I can see my own weakness in this song about hypocrisy.  One of the inspirations for this song I’ve mentioned before in this blog.  I’ve told the story before of the elderly woman who used to show up at our Portland State Sustainability Leaders Network conferences which were free and open to the public.  This poor woman could not see.  She wore “coke bottle bottom” glasses, glasses so thick, it was a miracle she could see at all.  Mr Magoo had nothing on this woman, avoiding self-inflicted near disasters due to severe myopia. 

Anyway, she showed up at one of our conferences very late, helped herself to a plate of food, and holding her various bags on her arms, made her way to our discussion circle.  When she began to sit down though, it was obvious to ALL of us that she was going to miss her chair completely.  Her depth perception must have been way off.  So, my dear, sweet friend Marcus jumped up to push her chair under her butt, saving her the embarrassment of falling on the floor.  Anyone in a healthy frame of mind would have thanked him for being so kind.  But she saw him out of the corner of eye and accused him over and over throughout the meeting of trying to take the chair out from under her!  No matter how many times we explained that Marcus was being kind and helpful, she refused to believe the truth.  Her truth was that people were out to get her and no one could convince her otherwise.  That day, I learned the valuable lesson that you get what you are looking for.  That woman was looking for rejection, and even though it was not the truth, she found it anyway, in spite of everyone being kind and respectful to her.  

Truth be told, I had overheard a friend the other day, listening to yet another conspiracy theory and bemoaning the downfall of the United States, and I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself.  It’s just so funny that we get so worked about everything and nothing.  It seems most people are in a constant state of fear, anger, and honestly, titillation about the past or the future, but never living in the only moment in time which actually-and this is reality- exists…NOW!  

LOL.  Apparently, every human on the planet is a victim of some injustice or another.  I’m not saying some people don’t have real suffering.  But it seems to me that most of our suffering is in our mindset.  It’s all a matter of how we look at suffering.  I know it’s possible to actually have peace in the midst of suffering.  In fact, we can even find joy sometimes in the midst of it, if we can see the much bigger picture of existence.  At the very least, we can find acceptance in the midst of suffering.  That’s the good news.  

So I wrote “If You’re Looking For a Fight, You’ll Find It”.

Lyrics: 

Verse 1- Woke up this morning

Dragged myself from bed

Stumbled to the kitchen

What was that you said?

Let me get my coffee on

“Cause I swear that I’m half-dead

Why you already kickin’ off?

Stop messing with my head!

Chorus: ‘Cause if you’re lookin’ for a fight, you’ll find it.

If you’re lookin’ to be right, you’re wrong.

You only get what you’re looking for

And, honey, you won’t have to wait long.

Verse 2-  Can’t you ever take a break

From the hatred in your mind?

Before you get out of bed each day

You’ve judged all humankind.

You just can’t stand THAT guy

And that woman, you don’t approve.

Why won’t everybody else

Just live the way you do?

CHORUS: But if you’re lookin’ for a fight, you’ll find it…

Verse 3-  You say you can’t be happy

Unless everyone agrees

With your every thought and self-righteous word

And your wild conspiracies.

You fill your mind with “shouldn’ts”.

You tell the world to be

Exactly as you command it,

But your stuck in misery…

CHORUS: But if you’re lookin’ for a fight, you’ll find it…

BRIDGE: You think your vision’s perfect

That everyone else is bad,

But woman you can’t see a thing

When you’re blind and always mad.

You think you’re full of light,

But how dark your soul must be.

You’re worse than Old Blind Bart, babe,

And as bitter as can be.

CHORUS: But if you’re lookin’ for a fight, you’ll find it…Etc.

Verse 4-  Aren’t tired of fussin’ and fightin’

All the live long day?

I’m exhausted and can’t take no more

Especially when you pray.

Your prayers are filled with judgments

For others not like you.

You say that you love Jesus, 

But God help you see the truth.

CHORUS: ‘Cause if you’re lookin for a fight, you’ll find it.

If you’re lookin to be right, you’re wrong.

You always get what you’re lookin for

And, honey, you won’t have to wait long

Oh, you only get what you’re lookin for

And, honey, you won’t have to wait long.

Oh, you only get what you’re lookin for

And, honey, you won’t have to wait too long!

Fog as a pointer to the eternal

 I listened to Eckhart again this morning on Touching the Eternal. It was a beautiful foggy morning. There’s just something about fog where you feel the mystery and the wonder of something that is formless. For me, it really is the best example of what eternity is or what the formless dimension is, even though, in and of itself, fog is a form of weather. But taken outside of that context and just accepted as it is, obviously, fog is formless.

I had several moments while walking with Eckhart (by which I mean that I was listening to one of his many books or seminars) in which I really felt like I was touching the eternal, when words kind of dissipate and you just feel the aliveness and joy and peace of this moment. When I allow myself to accept this moment as it is right now, I begin to feel joy well up inside me, because I’m not naming everything I see. I’m not labeling everything I feel. I’m just in this moment. I allow myself to simply be. And I allow this moment to take whatever form it takes, rather than reacting to it and fighting against it and being angry that something isn’t the way I think it should be or judging the circumstances around me or the people around me. Instead, I simply accept whatever happens right now. 

This is where eternity is, right now. Life can only ever happen now. Spirituality is being in this moment, living in the now. Heaven is now. God is now. There is no other time in existence but now. This is liberating when we can really grasp it. I know these are just words, and words are just forms, and forms are temporary pointers to the eternal, formless, God, consciousness, awakening. The words and language I use are only pointers to the eternal. And they can be turnoffs for many people if I don’t use the right language, say with my family, if I don’t use Christian language, then they will be turned off and they can’t hear the message or see the pointers which would direct them back to God and connection with spirit. But when I allow myself to just be in this moment, right now, when I see that life is now, when I understand that God is now, when I understand that time only ever exists now, when I go into that quietness and stillness now, I feel an incredible sense of freedom, of life.

I’m beginning to recognize that as long as I keep having these imaginary conversations in my head with other people who are not there, then I’m still dealing out of my ego self or the ego. Whenever I try to prove myself right or try to convince others that my way of thinking is the only way to see or view the world, then it’s still ego at work in me.  Or, as Saint Paul would’ve called it, it’s still the carnal mind at work in me. Paul was right when he said the carnal mind is hostile to God and cannot even comprehend God. He said spiritually discerned things cannot be discerned by the carnal mind. Tolle wouldn’t call it the carnal mind, he would just call it the ego self. No matter what we call it, it’s still  an illusion.

On another note, I was able to walk 4 miles in just over an hour, (yes, I’m a very slow walker) so my pace was picked up today and that is good news for my potential future trek in Ireland and Scotland with my younger sister in the summer of 2022.

In doing this, I recognize that as long as I hang some kind of future hope or significance or sense of self on a future version of me and my body, my mental state, my spirituality even, then I’m not truly being in this moment. At the same time it’s okay to have goals as long as I don’t identify or hang all of my sense of identity in those goals. For example, if I only think of myself as worthwhile if I am a certain weight and worthless if I’m not that weight, then I’ve kind of lost the plot. Even if I make being awakened or enlightened a goal, then that is the ego at work, because I somehow want to prove myself better than or superior to other people. So again, it’s not bad to have goals.  It’s only when I make my identity out of that future version of myself that it gets convoluted and it gets off track.

Spiritual enlightenment and family…

 I have nothing and I have everything.

I have a few days from today to practice being in this moment, accepting this moment as it is, to really embrace the spiritual practice of recognizing my own reactions to this moment, to recognizing what Eckhart Tolle calls the “pain body”, which is an amalgamation of all of my emotional responses to “triggers”, usually from family members. 

I am going to be around my family for a whole week, and it’s a great opportunity, I say laughingly, to put into practice this “living in the moment”, in the now. Tolle says that I don’t need more time and yet at the same time, this is the paradox.  I do need more time. I need more time to practice being in the now.  

On the one hand, I don’t need more time, because the only moment that ever exists is right now continuously unfolding. And yet at the same time (but that’s such a crazy word), I need more time and I don’t need more time. I need more time until I realize that I don’t need more time. I want to practice being in the moment and especially recognizing that ego self, that part of me that reacts negatively to others, that reacts negatively to whatever form this moment is taking, that is triggered by the pain body or the pain body that is triggered by things my family members say or do or how they respond to me, how I interact with them, and how they interact with me.  

The main reason I want to practice being in the now is so that I won’t be a stumbling block to them and to their own spiritual development.  Oh, my egoic self would love to try to feel better and try to say that I am somehow more spiritual than they are, that I am more enlightened than they are. But the reality is that it’s just another part of my ego trying to feel better about self, some false image that I put up in my own mind of who I am and who I think they are. And that’s just another form of judgment. So I guess the key over the next two weeks is really to be the observer of my own mind and my own reactions to everyone and everything around me. The spiritual practice I need is to pay attention to the complaining voice in my head, the judgment in my head, the critical voice in my head about others and myself, and to also be aware of when I’m being triggered, say by my sister or something the kids may say or something my mother says or whatever. I mean, obviously, family is the biggest trigger for our pain bodies. 

The paradox of this wanting to be more spiritual, of wanting to be different than I am, is that that in itself is a trap. Because ultimately who I am as spirit or as a spiritual being, is already enough. The Buddha said that wanting or desire is suffering. This always wanting more, to be more, or for life to somehow be other than it is, is a trap. It’s an illusion. Why? Because ultimately, who I am is already enough, who I am is enough now, the only moment in time that ever exists.

So when I start to feel overwhelmed, especially by wanting something different in the future or fearing something in the future, my challenge is to remember to come back to now, to be in this present moment, to accept life as it is unfolding in me and around me.  I guess my challenge is really to continue to live in this moment, to be fully present right now, and to be able to accept whatever happens in this moment, to be the spaciousness for my own family to be who they are without judgment, without negative reaction from me.

I’m listening to Eckhart Tolle in Touching The Eternal. In it, he says that now and life are synonymous. So my challenge for the next two weeks and, obviously, for the rest of my existence in this physical form, is for me to recognize what I’m being resistant to, the form that life is taking now.  I need to recognize when I’m being open to it. It might sound utilitarian or even self-serving, and in a way it is, but when I am open and non-resistant to the form that life takes in this moment, “good things” and I put “good” in quotation marks, “good things” come to me. And maybe it’s not so much that good things happen, as much as it is that I am open to the beauty and the wonder, the mystery and the magic and the phenomenon that is life unfolding all around me. Michael Singer says it’s much easier to practice not being closed than it is to practice being open spiritually. I think he’s right in the sense that it’s easier to recognize when I am in a negative state of mind than to try to make myself be open. So maybe for now my practice will go back to the simple “just stop judging”, stop being reactive to this moment, stop resisting what is and just accept this moment.

Can I recognize when I am resistant to this moment?  Can I recognize fear or desire? wanting perhaps for it not being this way? or can I recognize when I am accepting of this moment and the form this moment takes?  Am I in the surrendered state or the unsurrendered state of consciousness?

So the question I have to ask myself is, “Can I stay in this moment, this one moment that is eternally unfolding, the eternal now?”  It’s mind-boggling to think that I’ve spent my whole life worried about past, present, and mostly future that I’ve generally ignored now. And yet, now is the only moment in time that has ever existed, that can ever exist, that perpetually exists.  The form of this moment might change. Life is continuously unfolding, but only ever in this moment, now. Now is eternity. Eternity is now. Now is the only moment that ever exists and continues to exist.  When I embrace the form of this moment, I become who I already am.  When I surrender to life as it is in this moment, I become who I already am, and I am enough. 

Suffering comes when I am resistant to the forms this moment takes.  This is why Michael Singer called it the “Surrender Experiment”.  This is how we find peace even in the midst of chaos, of something horrific or unpleasant.  Am I complaining?  Am I railing against the form of now?  Am I judging what I think “they should” or “shouldn’t do”?  Am I complaining in my head about the weather?  Constantly complaining about others?  As Singer says, “Why am I disturbing myself about this?”  Because complaining makes me feel like I am right and the others or this situation is “wrong”!  The ego feels great, reinforced when it is “against something”, then it looks for the next thing it can complain about!  Discomfort or suffering can be my greatest teacher, if I accept it as it is!!!! This is the peace that passes all understanding!!! This is the going deeper into spirit.  Suddenly, there is space around that discomfort and there is an enormous peace.  Can I feel the pain or discomfort of being around family and allow it to be as it is?  Without complaining?  Without making a story in my head about this situation or that person or about myself?  But really be at peace in the midst of discomfort/ family conflict/ emotional reactivity ?   Can I allow my family members to be in their chaotic, suffering state without getting sucked into their ego drama? Can I watch what arises in the now? The discomfort? The anger? The pain? And not react????

Now is the eternal, unchanging one consciousness.  It is the essence of who we are, eternal presence.  That’s why I can never find my best self in the future. 

LOL: can I explore the timeless now over the next few weeks??? Ha ha ha.   Ram Dass famously said, “If you think you are spiritually enlightened, go spend a week with your family.”  HA HA HA!  

Can I allow this moment to be, without judging or complaining, but making space for it as it is? 

Can I allow the Holy Spirit to speak to my siblings in their own unique way?  Rather than me trying to use poor words to try to convince them of my “truth”?  Can I be led by the spirit, not project or rehearse my arguments?  Can I drop this fighting mode?  Can I unconditionally love and accept them?  I can only do this if I stay focused on the now.  

I feel peace and joy and sadness all at once right now.  I weep over the beauty of these moments and insights shared with Tolle.  Everything comes out of vast stillness.  If I want to be love for my family, I must embrace the stillness of this moment and allow my family to experience that in their own way, without judgment from me.  

The Tao Te Ching and Dorothy L Sayers

Some might ask, "If there is no good or evil in the long run, then what's the use or the point of trying to be good?" It's a valid question. The point is that when we are fully present in the now, or as the New Testament calls it, "being led by the Spirit", then we know in that moment what action is right for that moment. It does not mean that we should do whatever we feel like in this life, regardless of consequences. To say that only spirit matters and this material world is useless is Gnosticism. While on one hand, that is true, at the same time, it's not true. This is the paradox. It is both true and not true at the same time.

But this kind of worldview that says, "spirit good, material world evil" is just another form of Dualism. Dualism can be helpful in trying to understand the physical world; hot and cold, good and bad, dark and light. I mean, learning to not put your hand on a hot stove is helpful, or learning to not put your tongue on a frozen pole is useful. But people who never mature beyond good v bad, black v white, hot or cold, yes or no can never really understand that everything is interconnected. It is both AND, hot and cold, good and bad.  As the Tao Te Ching points out, light and dark are the same. You cannot know one without the other. Of course, as we talked about before, these are just words and judgments.  As the Tao Te Ching says, “All the world knows and recognizes the beautiful.  Herein lies ugliness.”  In other words, in naming something good or bad, we have fallen into the old egoic trap of mental labels, forms, and judgments.

This brings us back to the interconnectedness of both form and formless. So, we do not take a dualistic worldview that only the formless dimension counts and that all forms are evil. They are both integrated.  Formless begets form, while form begets formless. This is the mystery within mystery. They are the same. Two sides of same coin. Temporary and eternal. Experience and mental concepts. 

Dorothy L. Sayers, Anglican apologist, called this intersection or juxtaposition of spirit and carnal, form and formless, spiritual and physical world "Incarnational living". She describes it as how an artist may be inspired to create a work of art. In and of itself, the creation (artwork) has a form that is inspired by the artist's spirit. In a sense, the artist imbues this piece with a bit of him/herself. But it truly becomes incarnational when another human interacts with it and finds something transcendent in their experience of this work of art. It's not just something the viewer gets from the art, but it is also something they bring to the art when they experience it.

What do we mean by transcendence? Transcendence is not a thing (though we try to give it a name). Transcendence cannot be a goal, otherwise it becomes an object. If I make it my goal to be transcendent or enlightened, then I am operating from my egoic mind, as though true spirituality can be something I use to define myself. This is why the term "holier than thou" really points to an egotistical trait rather than true holiness. Transcendence cannot be an object or goal of the ego. Rather, transcendence only comes in the now. It can only be experienced deeply now.  The path to transcendence is only in the now. It cannot be a future aim or a past glory. It is present moment experience of the one spirit, one life, one consciousness, or communion with God.

It's the deep, experiential knowing without words, beyond labels.

Paul in 1 Corinthians 2 wrote that he did not come to you with eloquent or persuasive words, but in a demonstration of the spirit's power, so that what you understood was not because of human wisdom or understanding. NLT

"When I first came to you, dear brothers and sisters, I didn't use lofty words and impressive wisdom to tell you God's secret plan." (1 Cor 2:1) He goes on…

From the NIV- 1 Cor 2:4-7 "My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God's power.  We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing.  No, we declare God's wisdom, a mystery that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began."

True spirituality defies words. True spirituality cannot be understood with the human, limited, finite mind. The person who goes on and on about how spiritual they are has lost the plot. They are unspiritual. Spiritual things cannot be discerned by the egoic mind, or the person controlled by their human understanding. They can, however, be understood on a deeper level, an experiential level of understanding that does not need words.  Even this explanation cannot really get through, because I am limited by words, constructs, and finite forms when trying to describe something which is infinite.

Thought for the day

Surrender!

 I am reflecting on this pointer: surrender to this moment. It’s when I surrender in the now, that I find peace, joy, patience with others, total acceptance of others, and love.  After all, that’s what love is, isn’t it? Love is total acceptance of “self” and others as we are in this moment. I put “self” in quotes as we now know that there is no real self, only a false, mind-made, human- constructed idea of a separate self with its petty, little ego and its self-involved stories and little dramas.  Love sees the conditioned mind and “self” in others, and says, “Okay, that’s what’s there right now.”

We know that what we resist persists. My priest recently shared the gospel where Jesus talks about the destruction of the temple in Jerusalem. He used it to talk about fighting against racism and social injustice and ecological injustice wherever we see it. And yet, I couldn’t help but feel that he had not gotten it wrong, per se, but that he only glimpsed a portion of what Jesus was talking about. Jesus was talking about the destruction of forms.  Remember, everything that Jesus said was a metaphor. Many of my Christian friends would point to the scripture and say, “Aha!  You see Jesus was prophesying doom and gloom, and we should be afraid of the future.”  Many of them point to Matthew chapter 25 and say, “aha! See? Jesus predicted the end of the world.”

But what they fail to realize is that Jesus was merely pointing out the end of this world of form. Remember this sutra: “all forms, all structures are unstable”. This world of form was never meant to last forever. The only thing that lasts forever is now, this moment. Eternity is now.

Now is the one continuously unfolding moment in time. Now is eternity.

And so when people look at the Gospels and say, “see? Jesus predicted hell and gloom”, they forget that he spoke metaphorically. They forget that he was talking about the destruction of all forms. Did the temple in Jerusalem fall? Yes! Of course! Jesus was simply pointing out, though, that all things will disintegrate in this world of form: bodies, ideas, thoughts, buildings, religions, governments, mountains, kingdoms, languages… EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD OF FORM WILL EVENTUALLY DISSOLVE!

When he predicted more earthquakes and tidal waves, was he being prophetic, as in predicting the future? No! In fact, the Old Testament scriptures and teachings were so anti-prophecy, so anti-predicting the future, that anyone caught trying to predict the future was to be stoned to death.  It is unfortunate that in the modern, Christian world, the pervading belief and use of the words “prophet and prophecy” always indicate some dire or even glorious foretelling of future events!  Some point to the Old Testament prophets and say, “Look! THEY foretold gloom and destruction if people didn’t get in line with god’s program”!  If they were in the foretelling business of predicting the future, then they were in direct conflict with the very rules their god put into place and should have been stoned to death.  Rather than thinking of prophets as fortunetellers or future predictors, another way to see them is as people who see a much larger picture of the patterns of human behavior. 

So rather than predicting a future of gloom, Jesus was simply commenting on the instability of all forms in this world, even his own religion and culture and language (how many people speak Aramaic now?). 

So what is eternal? God, spirit, the one consciousness, the cosmic Christ, our spirit as a part of God? Yes, we are part of God, spirit, the eternal one. If you think that is too pretentious or assuming, see Jesus’ final prayer that we see that we are one, “even as you and I are one”(John 16).

So how do we find God? You can only ever experience God or oneness with God right now in this moment.

For myself, I grew up raised in fear, always dreading the future, the rapture, the tribulation. I never realized that Jesus wasn’t predicting all this horrible stuff! He was simply pointing out that if left to our carnal nature, our human mind-made constructs, we would, of course, devolve into wars and catastrophes!  This was not about predicting some dreadful future.  It was simply a statement on the egoic mind-made structures of man. So, when I think of that sermon and the destruction of the temple in Jerusalem that Jesus spoke of, I see that he was speaking of physical and temporary forms falling away, even (gasp!!!) Judaism and yes, his own physical body. 

One of my dearest friends from church keeps pressuring me to commit to stay at the church forever and ever until I die. And yet, I can’t help but think that maybe the episcopal church is fading away, like all man-made structures. The church of Jesus Christ was never meant to be the end-all be-all of the world of physical form. 

Remember, the finger pointing at the moon is NOT the moon.  Religion is only useful as long as it points us back to oneness with God, but religion is NOT god. And as long as Christians maintain that Jesus the human is the only answer, they miss everything he said. We have missed the most crucial essence of everything he taught. Love can only ever be experienced now. God is now. Forgiveness only ever happens when I recognize that we are the same, you and I are not separate, different.   When I love my neighbor as myself, that’s when I am able to “forgive”, because there is no “other”.  “Forgiveness” is just me recognizing and accepting the form of another as it is right now.  When Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life”, Christians twisted this, especially modern day, American Christians. We think it points to a belief in Jesus the human as God that saves us. But Jesus was speaking metaphorically again. He was saying, “I am”, that is, in being, in stillness, when we are led by the spirit, when we are in spirit, in quietness and stillness, in presence,  in beingness or I am-ness, that we discover the way, the truth, and the life. The Way, the truth, and the life can only ever be found right now in beingness.

I’m beginning to understand why the Buddha said that with desiring comes suffering. When we want or desire life to be other than it is right now, we suffer. We complain, we gripe, we criticize, we judge and we are unhappy. It seems like we can never allow this moment to be as it is. We always seem to want life to be different than it is. We want more. Or we think we have to fix ourselves. We can never seem to be satisfied with life the way it is. But I’m beginning to understand that surrendering to this moment, to life as it’s unfolding right now is where we find peace, joy, love, and God. We spend 99.9% of our lives wanting life to be different, not accepting this moment. We can never seem to be content with what is.  It seems we have to judge it and demand that life line up with our desires and our wants and our hopes and our dreams. And when it doesn’t, we say, “life is so unfair!” 

Surrender to now is the only way to peace.

Unfortunately, recently at church, I did not live out surrendered to this moment in whatever form that this moment takes. I found myself reacting negatively to two guys at church. I think I need a new strategy to help me remember to be surrendered to this moment. My hope is that I will take a deep breath and count to three before I answer someone else either criticizing or giving me instructions. I am not proud of the way I overreacted to both people.  When I recognized that it was my ego and my pain body reacting negatively to their instructions, at least I was able to do that…eventually? But in spite of all my good intentions as I drove to church, I still found myself reacting negatively to people in the band and at church who just rub me the wrong way. This is because my ego was really at work and my pain body was reacting to criticism. And the ego really wanted to be right!  

Today is Monday and I’ve spent the whole morning completely taken over by my egoic mind, fighting with other people in my head, making up conversations with people who aren’t there. LOL! I can’t believe how completely I have been controlled by my mind this morning. Even while listening to Eckhart Tolle, my mind has just been out of control with judgments, criticisms, and angry retorts to people who aren’t even there. I laugh about it now, but it took a while for my mind to disengage. But the more I practice observing my own reactions to others, the easier it gets to let go of this desire to defend some false sense of self.  That is true humility…not feeling the need to defend some imaginary self or attack some imaginary “enemy” in the form of another.  

See Tao Te Ching 16 on emptiness.  The Tao describes emptiness as the truly useful way of being.  An empty cup or vessel is useful precisely because it empty.  If it were already full, where would the usefulness be? Jesus is the perfect example of emptying himself of “self”.  It was in this state of emptiness, true humility, or egolessness, that he was truly useful and showed us the path to God.

What the Hell is Wrong with Rock Music...

It's already nearly July.  I've been slammed with compiling, editing, and revising music lists for both bands.  Rock and Blues songs for our band, "On the Rocks", playing hits from the 1960s and 1970s, here in Southern California.  I've also been working on sacred music for the church band, though I don't know how much longer it will hang together. I say that, because our little Episcopal church is barely hanging on after COVID.  Some are moving away.  Others are burnt out from volunteering 50 hours a week to keep this tiny community alive.  More elderly folks passed away, and quite a few just don't see the point of returning to church.  I can't blame them.  I volunteer so much at times, that I think, "God!  I just want to escape from all the work I have to do at church! I don't want to go to church either!"

I have to laugh as I contemplate the two disparate styles of band: Rock & Blues v Contemporary Christian music.  As a 1980s Evangelical kid, I was dragged to more than one church seminar to discuss all the evils of rock music.  LOL!!!  I look back now, shake my head and laugh.  People just love to hate, don't they?  We just love to feel morally superior.  We love to sit in judgment on everyone and everything.  And Christians are among the absolute worst offenders, I say as one who grew up in that legalistic, judgmental environment.  Talk about toxic!  As they preached about how rock music was poisoning our minds, they were dumping their toxic sludge of judgment into our souls! 

Frankly, I love the episcopal church with its view to social justice, sacred ecology, and spiritual openness, but it seems that it is dying.  Literally, dying off.  I have buried over 2 dozen dear, elderly friends in the last 5 years.  These sweet friends are often very socially conscious, generous, and compassionate.  Their capacity to love and accept everyone is truly the best part of humanity in action.  And yet, though they all raised their children (now adults with kids and grandkids of their own) in the church, NONE of their progeny attend church at all or the episcopal church, in particular.  

So, the church needs to be asking itself: "What did we miss? Are we even relevant to any of the younger generations?"  But instead of asking themselves, "What could we do differently?" Or "How could we reach a younger generation who feel no compulsion to join yet another organization and yet who are spiritual?" Or "Why is it that most people under 60 years old would define themselves as 'spiritual, not religious'?"  Instead of asking these questions, they seem, in my limited perspective, to be circling the wagons around their standards, rituals, and old traditions.  Or maybe they should be asking, "Has our time come to die?  Has our purpose been fulfilled? Or are we just propping up yet another bureaucracy for the sake of bureaucracy?"

Sacred music?  It means many things to many people.  But for the "unchurched" who do not even care to ever hear a choir or an organ, and who are, quite frankly, turned off by such antiquated types of music, good luck getting anyone under 60 or even 80 years old to come to your church!  So why do Episcopalians (and certainly not only them, but many denominations) insist on choir and organ as the ONLY acceptable form of worship?  Who determined that organ and choir are the only form of sacred music?  I used to teach at a private, Christian school where most of the students were from the Church of Christ, which believes that ALL INSTRUMENTS in church, outside of a cappella voices, are demonic.  Who told them that load of crap?  Again, how little their view of God must be, how limiting a creator.  I would not want to serve that God.  Ick!  What kind of Creator God do they serve?  A creator who hates modern music?  If their version of God is that petty, no wonder the unchurched want nothing to do with this hateful, narrow minded, exclusive God.  The Episcopal church teaches and preaches inclusion, but their God tends to be very exclusive, especially when it comes to "so-called sacred music."  I actually read a quote on an Episcopal church website recently (it's 2021 for God's sake!) that 

"We have a quite traditional conception of the use of music in church, exemplified by the following words:

'Just as swine run to a place where there is mire and bees dwell where there are fragrances and incense, likewise demons gather where there are carnal songs and the grace of the Holy Spirit settles where there are spiritual melodies, sanctifying both mouth and soul.'

 - St. John Chrysostom"

WHOA!  Talk about a LOAD of judgment in that statement.  As they go on to describe what they consider acceptable sacred music, it basically boils down to chants, organ, and choir.  Implying that any music which is appealing to a non-churchgoer, that is not hundreds or thousands of years old is automatically demonic. Wow.  Perhaps I am focusing too much on the negative part of that ancient quote, I'll admit it.  But it was a total turn off for me when I read it.

The older I get, the more expansive my view of God becomes.   I enjoy many, many types of music: creating, writing, composing, recording, editing, mixing, engineering, playing, singing, learning new instruments, etc.  I don't enjoy only one kind of music.  I like nearly every kind of music out there, with the exception of heavy or death metal, but that is just personal preference, and I recognize it as such.  The creative process is such a joy!  So, I have a really, really hard time imagining that a creator god hates any kind of music, or calls it demonic.  

I've seen it done in many places.  It can be done.  I have seen very traditional Episcopal churches keep the liturgy (the form) and embrace modern praise and worship music.  It's beautiful and elegant and raw and authentic and honest worship.  Or it can be.  I miss that.

Recognizing that each church is a minuscule ecosystem or sub-sub-culture within itself, with its own preferences, norms, traditions, jargon, and music styles, I propose that if churches coming out of COVID lockdowns are finding that no one wants to come back, that maybe they should re-examine their traditions, music styles, and insular "us four and no more" approaches to community.  

A friend confided in me recently that she really missed her little Episcopal mission church, which closed after 20-some years.  Why did it close?  It never grew beyond 40 people attending.  The children have grown up, whom they raised together in a very supportive, small, family environment.  But again, none of those grown kids see the need to go to church.  To be very clear, going to church is NOT the end all.  I know it may sound that I am preaching that everyone should go to church.  Nope.  God is everywhere and in everything. So God can be found everywhere.  

What can church add to a person's spiritual growth?  A lot and nothing at all!  If making people all think like each other or believe like everyone else or love the same things or hate or judge or condemn outsiders is the goal of church, then run!  Run far away.  They will only poison your heart and your mind.  In fact, don't go to church at all if it only insists on conformity.  A true spiritual teacher or guide will simply reveal to you what you already know in your spirit.  They don't force you to change or believe what they do.  They let you come to your own awakening.  They can point you in the direction of soul or spirit or god or consciousness, but they do not manipulate or force or coerce or try to get you to be anything than what you already are.  A real spiritual person will not even try to make you believe the same as them.  They can, however, point you toward ultimate connection to all.  

So, going back to the discussion of churches... Am I advocating for large churches only, or implying that only churches which grow are worth while? Is there a place for tiny groups like my friend's old church?  Of course.  But the reason they never grew, as she explained innocently, was that they liked having a tiny group of people and really did not want anyone else to join them.  I know!  I visited their church before it closed.  Those few families were very close and very happy to keep everyone else out.  This is not to say or imply, in any way, that only huge, mega churches are "successful".  Not at all. But a church which is not inclusive or welcoming and which is content to only remain "us four and no more" is a church that will eventually die.  Then again, all things die.  This material world and its temporary forms were never meant to last forever.  Maybe some churches should die off.  Maybe they have served their purpose, and now that purpose is over.  

I also accept that denominations often morph from a spontaneous movement of like-minded, spiritual seekers to a bureaucratic organization, which feels compelled to keep propping itself up.  The denomination becomes an end, rather than a means or a tool to help humans find connection to the "deeper I" or the soul.  When the denomination only propagates itself, its ideas, its beliefs, its worldview, it becomes insular, isolated, and out of touch with the rest of humanity.  Instead of keeping relevant, in whatever form that takes, they tend to try to keep pumping up their organization, especially through the mentality of "we've always done it this way", or "change is bad", or "only OUR way of doing life is acceptable".  This leads to what Madeleine L'Engle called "the making muffins of us all."  If church is only a place where people get indoctrinated to believe all the "right things" and do all the "right things" or avoid doing all the "bad things", then it is doomed to add to the burden of humanity with its narrow, dualistic worldview.  However, community (be it a church, a family, a group of friends, whatever) can point us in the direction of connection with God and the entire cosmos.  And when it gently points, but does not forcefully shove us in that direction, then it can be a beautiful thing, no matter what form it takes.

Perspective from It's A Wonderful Life

I was reminded the other day of the 1942 movie with James Stewart, "It's a Wonderful Life", when a friend was repeating a story I had heard several times before about how she wished her partner would act differently than he does.  

As she went on again about how he should know that such and such bothers her, I remembered how we (that is, our egos) often like to complain about others.  We want them to read our minds.  We want them to do or not do what we think.  It’s a subtle voice in our heads trying to control everyone else around us, but not recognizing that our perspective is warped, that the real issue is inside us.  Oh, that judgmental little voice just loves to gripe about everyone else.  Complaining and blaming is a hard habit to break!

How I wished that I could tell my friend at that moment, “Hey!  Stop!  You are making yourself miserable with a partner you tell me all the time is just lovely.  You are letting your thoughts and emotions dictate your unhappiness right now, because you are focusing on him as the problem, when the real problem is inside your own self.”  So, I did try to remind her gently that she can’t change anyone else, ever.  She can only decide if she wants to continue making herself miserable by repeating this story over and over, or if she really wants to discover the joy that is right there, hidden at the moment, but lurking under the surface if she wants it.  I'm no relationship expert by any means.  In fact, I'm probably the family cautionary tale:  "Oh.  Watch out kids or you might end up single like your Aunt Gigi!" LOL!!  

But I have learned one thing about relationships: We tend to lose those things and people for which we are no longer grateful.  When we begin to try to blame the other person for our own unhappiness, we rob ourselves of the joy and love that is waiting for us.  We close ourselves off, wrapping ourselves in judgment of what we think others should do, how they should act.  We fall into the trap of judgment.  This is why Jesus said, "Judge not, lest you be judged."  Or "what you do to others you do to yourself".  Or even his whole talk about taking the log out of your own eye, when you obsess about the tiny speck of sawdust in your neighbor's eye.  When we judge someone else or blame someone else, we are really unhappy with ourselves.  Oh, we think it is all the other person's fault, that the problem lies with them. But the reality is that happiness is fickle, based on my idea of life's circumstances lining up the way I want them to.  When they don't, look out!  Here comes Misery...and he's brought his friends Blame, Shame, and Obsessive Thought.  You are already familiar with Blame and Shame, no doubt. Obsessive Thought loves to run over and over in our brains.  We play and replay what we should have said or done or what we think the other person might say or do... we plunge into imaginary scenarios- all completely pointless, unproductive, and UNREAL!

Now, for people who are in abusive relationships, I am not talking to you.  You might need another tactic altogether!  But my friend is in a very loving, supportive relationship.  She just had fallen into that old habit of blaming and complaining.  We all do it until we learn that we don't have to live like that ever again!  

Most people live this perspective every day- wanting life to be other than it is, because they can't see the miracle of life as it is. We grumble and complain and gripe and moan and kick the cat. We rail against life! How insane is that? We rage against life itself because we are so caught up in dictating to life how it must conform to our preferences! And when life does not do as we command, we rant about how unfair it is! We walk around with our judgmental view of the world, our list of likes and don't likes, wants and don't wants (see Michael A Singer, The Untethered Soul)! And when people and circumstances do not line up with our very limited ideas, then we are miserable and a misery to everyone around us!

If you are stuck on the same old storyline, endlessly looping about how someone else is unfair or does something you don't like or how they did something that hurt your feelings, you will destroy your own happiness. 

Can you see yourself in the scene or character below? I can.  I've acted like George Bailey more than once in my life, wallowing in self-pity, making myself miserable from time to time. Some people never get out of that pit, choosing to indulge in misery rather than change their perspective.  Imagine that!

From It's A Wonderful Life:

-George Bailey: "...It's this old house. I don't know why we all don't have pneumonia. Drafty old barn! (kicks kitchen chair) Might as well be living in a refrigerator... Why do we have to live here in the first place, and stay around this measly, crummy old town..."

-Mary Bailey: "George, what's wrong?" 

-George Bailey: "Wrong? Everything's wrong. You call this a happy family -- why do we have to have all these kids?"

Different perspective:

George is given the chance to see his life from a different perspective in this 1942 classic movie. His perspective changes when he is grateful for what he has! No longer consumed by thoughts of what he doesn't have or how life didn't turn out the way he wanted or thought it should, he learns to be grateful for life as it is. Gratitude opens his eyes to see just how wonderful life is.

-Clarence: "You see, George, you've really had a wonderful life. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to throw it away?"

Gratitude changes everything. It doesn't mean that life won't have hardships. Life is FULL of hardships. It's how we handle those that makes all the difference. And for most of us, 95% of our "hardships" exist because we can't get out of our own way, our perspective is warped. We cause our own suffering because we don't like or can't accept that this is the way life is.  We can’t see the hidden joy in every moment, blinded by our desire for life to be other than it is.  George Bailey still had to face the bank examiner, though his circumstances had begun to change.  But the most important thing he learned was to appreciate what he already had: love, family, friends, a community, a drafty, old house!  You’ll notice that at the end of the movie, he calls it a “beautiful old house”.  When we only focus on the lack or the things we dislike, we eat our souls away with regret, remorse, fear, hatred, and judgment for everyone and everything in life.

We want to dictate to life how it must be. We want to control all the externals; our job, our relationships, our home, our possessions, our image, our finances, our circumstances. And some of those things are under our control. Other things are not. Especially other people. We cannot control anyone else. We cannot make them be what or who or how we want them to be. We cannot make them do what we like, or not do what we don't like… we can ONLY control our perspective and how we react to life.  You see, joy is not dependent on circumstances or other people to line up and do what I want.  Joy is that ability to see that life is so much more than the challenges we face.  Life is miraculous in all of its forms.  Joy sees the eternal view of everything.  

If you are stuck on the same old storyline, endlessly looping about how someone else is unfair or does something you don't like or how they did something that hurt your feelings, you will destroy your own happiness. You are sabotaging the good thing you have, so you can repeat over and over to yourself how unfair life is or how much of a victim you are.

  

The ego loves to tell a story. Whether I am the hero or victim does not matter as long as it can tell the story over and over again. And it (the ego) especially loves to feed on negative energy. Please refer to any works by Eckhart Tolle for a deeper explanation of this.  

The only way I know to change this insane obsessive way of thinking is through gratitude. Gratitude does not change my circumstance. He did what he did. I did what I did. I made choices for better or for worse. Consequences still remain. Things happen. Tragedies occur. Life happens- good, bad, indifferent, glorious, horrific, sublime, awful… but how I perceive those moments makes all the difference. Gratitude has a way of seeing the whole truth, not just the awful stuff. It isn't a Pollyanna filter, through which I only see life as pleasant. Not at all. It just helps me see that life can be both mundane and divine at the same time. It can be both terrible and miraculous at the same time. Gratitude allows me to see the joy, miracle and absurdity of life even when someone is raging at me.

Gratitude becomes a lens through which I can perceive the whole world, but it does that through habit. It does not come naturally to the ego mind which always and continuously tries to defend its sense of false self to anyone and everyone who will listen. So, today, as another friend called to complain about something she wished were different or that someone would behave differently than they do, I took the time to remind myself to focus on one thing for which I am grateful.

I hold that thought for more than 15-20 seconds, so my brain can develop a new neuro-pathway for that kind of thought. I repeat that gratitude again. I allow myself to feel the gratitude well up inside me. 

You can do it, too.  Hang on to that feeling for a moment. Allow it to fill your soul.

Breathing in, I smile to my heart. Breathing out, I smile to my lips.

Breathing in, I smile to my soul. Breathing out, I smile to my eyes.

Allow yourself to physically smile.

I’ve shared in this blog before the story of going to the southernmost tip of India years ago.  In Kanyakumari, where the three holy waters meet: the Bay of Bengal, the Indian Ocean, and the Arabian Sea, a watchman is posted just off the mainland on a tiny rock/island.  His job is to wait for the first ray of morning sun.  As the first light shoots across the Bay of Bengal, we see it.  It is thrilling to see that first ray rocket across the water.  And then moments later, we hear the faint pealing of bells wafting over the waves as the watchman announces to the people, who have waited in darkness in hushed silence, that morning has come!  It’s a joyous, raucous moment.  Some people dance and cheer.  Others quietly pray.  Children jump and scream with delight. Some calmly enter the waters to bathe.  Some splash in the waves. Others just stand still for a moment before returning to the rush of an ordinary day.  

It’s a day like any other.  And yet, the anticipation of something good, of good news pervades the quiet crowd.  And the joyful ringing of that bell across the water reminds us to look for the good things, to anticipate the moments of delight over simple things like day breaking through the darkness.

I have also often said that if you are looking for a fight, you will find it wherever you go.  If you are looking to be offended by others, you won’t be disappointed.  You get what you look for.  That is not to say that we can control life.  Not at all!  I am not saying that you bring hardships on yourself.  Challenges and difficulties out of our control happen all the time. But how we respond to those hardships is what makes us either delightful people or miserable people, a delight to ourselves and others or a misery to ourselves and everyone else around us. You know it’s true.  Misery DOES love company.  But a joy shared is divine connection.

Even if your circumstances don't change, YOU can change! You don't have to be miserable. You can find the good around you. You can rediscover the joy that is hidden in every moment, even the worst ones, if you can just open your heart to see it. 

Wishing you peace today as you navigate the joys, challenges, and the mundane moments of life, hoping you can perceive the hidden possibility of bliss in every moment.