Letter to my sister

Madeleine L'Engle quote

I've been thinking about our conversation the other day. In my own pursuit of "what to do next", I've been trying to follow beauty, joy, love, and peace. As part of that, I've been reading what many great Christians have said about faith and art. CS Lewis, Dorothy Sayers, & Madeleine L'Engle were incredibly articulate critical thinkers and Christian apologists. As I read this passage from L'Engle's Icons of the True essay, I kept thinking of you.

From the book, Walking on Water: Reflections in Faith and Art, her essay called, "Icons of the True" (1980), 

Madeleine writes:

"If I'd read these words of Rilke's during the long years of rejection they might have helped, because I could have answered the question in the affirmative:

'You are looking outward, and that above all you should not do now. Nobody can counsel and help you, nobody. There is only one single way, Go into yourself. Search for the reason that bids you to write (______________ insert your own passion here, replace the word "write" with your own deep abiding desire, fill in the blank); find out whether it is spreading out its roots in the deepest places of your heart, acknowledge to yourself whether you would have to die if it were denied you to write.This above all—ask yourself in the stillest hour of the night: Must I write?

Delve into yourself for a deep answer. And if this should be affirmative, if you may meet this earnest question with a strong and simple "I must," then build your life according to this necessity; your life even into its most indifferent and slightest hour must be a sign of this urge and testimony to it.'

That is from Letters to a Young Poet, and surely Rilke speaks to all of us who struggle with a vocation of words."

Note: Rainier Maria Rilke was a beloved German poet.

L'Engle was writing this specifically to talk about her own vocation as a writer. You must ask yourself, "What is it that I am deeply driven to do?What brings me joy when I do, so that it doesn't even feel like work? What do I feel the urge to create?"

I believe this is the first step in a fulfilling life. I am asking myself these same questions.

This week, I am reading everything that helps me focus on writing and creating my own aesthetic (that's a personal philosophy of art).

I hope this is as helpful and insightful for you as it is for me. 

Epiphany, the phoenix rises

Epiphany is to see clearly, to see the light.  

(Video: I Can See Clearly Now, my own arrangement on piano) 

Somewhere on DayCreek Boulevard yesterday, I had an epiphany. It was a truth I was on the tip of grasping, you know what I mean. It's just there on the edge of your consciousness, you can almost recognize it. It was nearly in my grasp, when a well-intentioned friend texted me. I was distracted momentarily. I felt I was so close to grasping this beauty, this otherworldliness. In that ephemeral moment, I had felt as though I was enough. I could do anything. I felt grace wash over me, but in a heartbeat, it was gone.

How do I live that truth? How do I find it again and hold on to it?

Somehow this truth made me feel as though I were taller, graceful, beautiful. My head held high, my chin up, my shoulders back, I felt as though the world was open to me. I did not feel short and fat. I felt light. Like I was light and grace.

I guess it's a bit like when you're walking with your head held high, you don't see as much dog poop on the sidewalk. Your mind is set on heavenly things. You see the beauty all around you. You acknowledge the dog poop is there, but you don't fixate on it or let it spoil your mood or get sidetracked from the beauty by cursing the careless dog owners who let their pooches deficate wherever... Your eyes are on the prize, the beauty around you and the feeling that you are somehow a part of that beauty. You belong to it, too.

Returning to that same spot today, I thought maybe I could recapture that split-second moment of "aha" and "aaaah, I think I get it now". It was a blurry, on the edge of almost getting a glimpse of eternity, tiny fraction of a moment of pure expectancy, hope, wonder, bliss, calm, delight and joy all rolled into one.

Something my priest said during the online service yesterday triggered it...how we hear a truth, we know it, but it doesn't register. Then suddenly, we "see" it, the light comes on, epiphany. We suddenly grasp the truth we knew deep inside all along.

One of these truths was mentioned in the communion prayer: "We come before you now with hearts you have fed all our lives with the promise that you have given yourself for us." Something deep inside resonated with this and responded with a "yes, that's it! The Creator of the universe has always taken care of me. I'm going to be alright. I have everything I need." And my head went up, my shoulders went back, I stood up straight and tall, and felt powerful. Not in the "I'm more powerful than you" kind of way, but in the "yes, I can do anything" kind of way.

This does not mean that I don't have struggles. To be human IS to struggle. But it also means that we have these "aha" moments where we glimpse beauty, truth.

So this morning, I found myself wanting to relive that ephemeral epiphany... to feel again that sense of security and assurance and enoughness and power. But it was elusive. I reached the same spot. I searched my mind for what it was that I had sensed in this place. What was it that I was on the edge of grasping? Another friend texted. Drat it! It was on the tip of my consciousness. I shut off the distracting messages. I took a deep breath, & relaxed my shoulders. It was gone. But I remembered how my head felt to be lifted high, how tall I felt with my shoulders back. I walked on. It wasn't the same, but then I saw a friendly face as I walked on. I didn't know the man, but his sweet smile was enough to restore courage to my heart, hope in finding another glimpse of the eternal, and joy in the beauty of another human's soul.

Maybe sometimes we have to "fake it till we make it." Not that I'm encouraging false pretensions or being deceptive. No, it is more like a spiritual practice. We practice to become better at whatever art we are pursuing: piano, painting, writing, tai chi, whatever... I want to be better at recognizing beauty and truths. I want to be better at rising from the ashes and being reborn, like the mythical phoenix. So I practice. I say to myself the mantra my old Buddhist priest taught me: "Breathing in, I smile to my heart. Breathing out, I smile to my lips. Breathing in, I smile to my soul. Breathing out, I smile to my eyes."

As I practiced this morning, I was struck by a different "truth". It was more of a question. Why do I postpone my transformation? Why would I or anyone put off an amazing metamorphosis?  Again, it is as though I were on the edge of something great. I know it is within my grasp if I just continue my spiritual and physical practice. Why do I hold myself back? What do I have to lose except fear, inhibition, soul-sucking disappointment? No. No more regrets. No more lying dead in the ashes.  It’s time to be reborn! To rise again from the ashes.  I'm jumping into this new transitional phase of my life and I'm coming out the other side a transfigured being. 

Eckhart Tolle (A New Earth, 2006) talks about this transformation as an awakening of consciousness. He compares it to the metamorphosis of carbon through intense heat and immense pressure into a diamond. Or the opening of a flower. Or the formation of a crystal. What we are now is not necessarily the statement of who/what we will be for the rest of our lives.

And that makes me think of the amazing work of bell hooks... her research on storytelling and the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves is powerful. What kind of narratives are continually running in my head? "I can't,” or “it's never going to happen,” or "it's impossible,” or "I can never ...”

We know that what we tell ourselves can become self-fulfilling prophecy. So, I'm intentionally changing the narrative in my head. I don't want to wake up ten years from now and be the same me, with the same issues and struggles. I want to be a transformed-into-a-butterfly-me, the just-getting-into-my-best-self me. No regrets. I'm not going back to the habits that got me here. This is my season to plant new habits, seeds of change, and at the right time, I'll reap a harvest of grace and beauty!

So, what's holding you back? How do you find beauty? How do you pursue your best self?  

Toward a Spiritual Aesthetic

What I'm reading this week that inspires me, as I work toward my own philosophy of art, my own aesthetic:  (some of these are like old friends which I revisit many times over, year after year).

• A New Earth- Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle (2005, Penguin Group)
• The Weight of Glory: And Other Adresses by C. S. Lewis (rev. 1980, Harper Collins Pub.)
• Walk in Love- Episcopal Beliefs & Practices (2018, Forward Movement)
• Icons of the True from Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art by Madeleine L'Engle (1980, Crosswicks)
• Myth: A flight to reality by Thomas Howard, from The Christian Imagination: Essays on Literature and the Arts (1981, Baker Book House Co.)

Many of the above essays may found reprinted in my old college text book, Encounters: Connecting, Creating, Composing by Epperson, Givens, Gray, & Hall (1994, Kendall/ Hunt Publishing).  This thoughtful college text book asks provoking questions and gives a rich selection of readings with themes from ecology, community, responsibility to self and others, spiritual authenticity, moral perspective, individuality, and relationships.  

One of the most heart-opening essays is written by Leslie Marmon Silko; Landscape, History, and the Pueblo Imagination.  This insightful essay looks into sacred ecology, the interconnectedness of all things, and Hopi spirituality which realizes the riches of relationship with all beings (pp. 588-599, Encounters, 1994).

In defining my own aesthetic, I rely heavily on the writings of Sayers, Lewis, l'Engle, Howard, and others.  I also look to the poetry of Rilke, Frost, Dickinson, and Elizabeth Barret Browning as a kind of compass to inspiration.  

What I hope comes from all this pondering is an aesthetic which will guide my own work in creativity.  For me, beauty, joy, and peace are intrinsically woven into this idea of art. No, maybe not peace, though that might be a byproduct of interaction with art.  Instead of peace, maybe I should say truth.  By truth, I mean those universal truths that we sometimes stumble upon, those “aha” moments when we finally recognize something that was there all along.  I use the term "art" in a very broad sense.  For me, art is what we call this creative process.  And maybe that is getting to the heart of it.... Art, for me, is about deeper connection, to my own inner landscape, to the Creator, to the universe, to other humans, to other beings, to transcendence, to truth.  It might include visual arts like cinematography, sculpting, painting, etc.  It also includes written arts such as literature and poetry, lyrics, music, and composing.   Art encompasses theater, cinema, drama, comedy, and performance art.  It might include artisanal cuisine, event planning, gardening and landscaping.  This is not an all-inclusive list.  It barely scratches the surface of our creative expression.  But what it gets at is a profound interaction between artist and participant.  I do not say "audience," because that implies a kind of passive response to art.  No, art is something which Sayers calls incarnational and triune.  I'll talk more about this idea in the future.

What I'm listening to this week: I compiled an eclectic playlist of iTunes.  I call it Sacred Ecology & Aesthetics, ranging from Michael Jackson's Earth Song to Michael Gungor's Beautiful Things to Vivaldi's Four Seasons to Tibetan meditation music to Naturescape sounds to Eva Cassidy's What a Wonderful World and Fields of Gold  (from Live at Blue's Alley), plus many more.  My guiding principle in selection?  Pick music that makes me feel joy or peace or beauty or a sense of transcendence.   

 I also have been listening to Sounds True meditational videos, like Eckhart Tolle's talk about our inner awakenings. 

What I'm exploring this week in creativity:  I started expressing my own sense of inner beauty and joy in tiny little music videos on iMovie.  I find piano music I wish to play, then practice and play around with it until I find my own version of the music.  I lay a sound track, then add my own videos and photos.  I'm just creating something that I find joy in. I'm a barely functional piano player, in fact, you probably couldn't actually say I'm a pianist, as I am such a novice.  But I find joy in trying to play the piano, so  I keep practicing.  I'm just having fun creating something.  I hope others find it inspirational, but even if they don't, I'm enjoying being creative, trying to express beauty in some small way.

I've also been in the recording studio, laying down vocal tracks on collaborative music projects with our little church's praise band.  It feels good to get back into recording!  

And I've picked up the ukulele, thanks to my younger sister's encouragement.  I've been learning new songs on the ukulele and the guitar, as part of my creative expression.  The driving impetus:  finding joy and beauty and following my bliss!  

What I'm doing as spiritual discipline: This week, I’m embracing the physical and spiritual discipline of fasting.  I’m embracing both water fasting (no food) and OMAD (One Meal A Day).  I can already feel better mental clarity and focus.  And by Day 2, I no longer feel hunger.  That is not to say that I’m not tempted to eat, but I recognize that my desire to eat is often driven by boredom or habit, rather than true hunger.  I’m embracing this fast for a number of reasons, which I will not bore you with.  And yes, after a few days, I monitor my vital statistics like blood glucose levels and ketones.  The truly wonderful byproduct(s) of fasting for me are the mental clarity and incredible physical energy I get from it. I need even less sleep when I am fasting.  My body feels completely energized. So, yay for fasting! 

What I'm doing to improve my relationships: adapting to the external world from the inner world-

I'm being much more intentional in my relationships with family which have been highly dysfunctional and reactive.  Thus, Eckhart Tolle's book revisited.  In A New Earth, Tolle explains how we are constantly reacting to others, instead of functioning from a center of transcendence or consciousness.  I've seen my relationships devolve into a kind of action/reaction/reaction to reaction, unhealthy dynamic.  I cannot control others or how they perceive me, but I can control my reactions.  I can "be the change I want to see."  I can stop reacting negatively.  I can breathe.  And rethink my attitudes.  

So, I'm being much more intentional in how I speak with my family members.  I'm choosing to be positive in the face of negativity, rather than reacting negatively to the perceived negativity and bitterness of others.  

I keep reminding myself, life is a pilgrimage, a process.  One step at a time.  No one else can change my relationships.  Only I can change my interactions with others.  Family can get into ruts, constantly pushing each others’ buttons, reacting to each other....it can be debilitating.  But today, I choose to BE peace, to BE joy, to BE the beauty and grace I want to experience in others.  

What’s your philosophy of art (aesthetic)?  What inspires your creativity?  What deep inner motivation guides your creative processes?  What are you doing to develop your own sense of joy, of greater connection? 

I hope you find the courage to listen to your own inner voice, to follow your bliss, to express that pure joy in some way.  

Cheers,

Gigi   

Sacred ecology and the art of walking

“Take the Adventure, heed the call, now ere the irrevocable moment passes!’  ‘Tis but a banging of the door behind you, a blithesome step forward, and you are out of the old life and into the new!  Then some day, some day long hence, jog home here if you will, when the cup has been drained and the play has been played, and sit down by your quiet river with a store of goodly memories for company" (Kenneth Grahame, The Wind in the Willows).


As I contemplate my upcoming walking tour of the Scottish Highlands, I am reminded that Thoreau once wrote, "When we walk, we naturally go to the fields and woods: what would become of us, if we walked only in a garden or a mall? (Thoreau, Walking).  People often ask me "why do you walk such long distances?  What's the appeal of such an arduous journey?"

How can I explain a thing which can only be felt or experienced in the soul?   “Spring was moving in the air above and in the earth below and around him, penetrating even his dark and lowly little house with its spirit of divine discontent and longing" (Kenneth Grahame, The Wind in the Willows).  How can one express this "divine discontent and longing"?   Thoreau goes on, as only he can, about the pleasures, the joys, the art of walking: "For I believe that climate does thus react on man-- as there is something in the mountain air that feeds the spirit and inspires.  Will not man grow to greater perfection intellectually as well as physically under these influences?"  Our latest research continues to confirm Thoreau's hypothesis that being in Nature heals the soul.  There is something so inspiring, so awing, so breathtaking about the beauty of nature.  For me, I start to feel broken and dysfunctional when I spend too much time indoors.  I need these treks to restore my soul, and find, as Byron said, "not that I love Man the less, but Nature more."        

The art of walking, of pilgrimage, lies in the ability to embrace the wonder, the awe, the joy of new horizons.  Robert Frost often describes this joy in nature in poems like "Birches" or "The Road Not Taken".  The art of walking is in the sheer pleasure of the thing!  It lies in the ability and intention to slow down, to be level with the earth, to embrace each moment, to be fully present to one's surroundings.  

And how cool is it to be able to visit one of the "thin places" of the world?  I think the appeal for me is the idea of a location, no matter how impractical or illogical, which evokes a sense of sacred ecology, a place where one could imagine fairies, elves, dragons, and mythical creatures exist.  A place where the sacredness of creation and the desire to know the Creator are possible.  When I think of "thin places", those places in which the veil between the sacred world and our mundane physical world seems transparent or thin, I think of these forest garden landscapes.  I believe and I hope that people are transformed by the beauty of places like the Highlands.      

Thin places are not places in which God or even the spirit world is more present, but in which we, ourselves, are transformed, more open, listening to the Spirit...God is the same everywhere.  But in those places, if we allow ourselves to strip down, to take off the masks, and to remove our own blinders or those things which hinder us, I believe we can experience God's peace, his love, his wisdom, his presence in ways which heal us, make us whole, and refresh us...making us more effective, more of our authentic selves which God created us to be.

Sacred places tend to convey a sense of the 'deep magic'.  This is not an animistic belief, but a deeper sense of the sacred in everything...and a reverence because God created this world.  In these places, we recognize that Jesus' incarnation is the pivotal moment of creation's return to God. His being and his word, in which all the universe is held together, calls us to life in him.  That life is sacred and we are called to join in the dance, to celebrate the seasons, to embrace the sacred, to no longer be separated from creation, but to recognize our own fragility as part of creation.

Sacred ecology recognizes this great disconnect from the earth.  It is what has contributed to our sad,  polluted, dilapidated planet.  Many Native American and indigenous tribes throughout the world call this disconnect, this worldview in which humans see themselves as separate from the rest of the created universe, a spiritual problem.  Because of this spiritual disconnect, we try to fill the empty spaces in our souls with things which can never satisfy, such as material goods...more things.

Ecological spirituality is an earth-based spirituality, whereas, spiritual ecology is more of a sacred awareness throughout creation.   Spiritual ecology is not a worship of nature, but rather an awareness of the sacred in creation, as evidenced by the inclusion in our stories of anthropomorphized and mythical characters, such as centaurs, dryads, naiads, elves, and fairies.  Anyone who grew up on classic fairytales or the stories of Lewis and Tolkien are not strangers to these mythical creatures.  C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien and others felt this connection, too, to these archetypes as seen in their fictional works.  In fact, both authors wrote essays defending the use of fairytales as doorways to a world of imagination and creativity and deep connection to the earth.  We see this use of sacred ecology in their literature.  There is power in children's literature to evoke nostalgia or a deep longing for the sacred in nature, a spiritual ecology found in the imaginative works of L'Engle as well.

It is in this imaginative world that we find ourselves, as readers, co-creating.  The stories become more than stories.  We feel connected to a world of imagination, of possibilities, of overcoming impossibilities.  It's a world where mythical creatures are possible, a world in which animals speak and we can understand.  Didn't you ever wonder that in the story of Eden, Eve did not find it strange that a serpent spoke to her?  That she carried on a conversation with the creature?  That Adam did not question that an animal had spoken to Eve?  In the time before time, perhaps mythical creatures and talking animals did exist...  These fairytales reveal whole worlds of experiences to us which speak to our souls, as deep calls to deep; experiences beyond our own limited understanding (Lewis, essay on Fairytales).  We often feel this call from the deep when we are in nature.

A contemporary and colleague of C.S. Lewis, Dorothy L. Sayers would call this response a natural longing when the reader is called into the process of co-creating.  This incarnational power of creativity brings the reader into the story, no longer on the sidelines, but actively creating something with the author by imbuing the book with his/her own experiences, imagination, and life story.  We use this same incarnational creativity when we interact with nature.  As we journey through dark forests along lowly cattle paths, we bring our stories, our lives into each step.

In a perfect world, perhaps an idealized world, somewhere away from the unbelief of the scoffers, the haters, the folks who squash imagination or impractical possibilities or myths, there is a place where one could write and imagine and create and worship God and honor the universe as his creation.  A place where the invisible kingdom is almost perceptible.  In my heart of hearts, I have experienced this creative state in the rainforests of Oregon or hidden in the hills of Arkansas.  I believe I will experience this "thinness" in the Highlands of Scotland.  It's a place where I feel that I belong, where I'm meant to belong, where I can unleash the creative in me, a place where imagination can run wild and free.   I can't explain why.  I just feel drawn there.  The thin places are calling to me, to the deep places of my soul.  How can I not answer?  Like Ratty, in Kenneth Graham's "Wind in the Willows", I often feel the call of the wild, calling me to wander down....to saunter along unknown paths, to discover new worlds: "Here today, up and off to somewhere else tomorrow! Travel, change, interest, excitement! The whole world before you, and a horizon that's always changing!" (Grahame, The Wind in the Willows). 

A new adventure ahead...in the Highlands

For those who may wonder where I've been for the last couple of years, I've been traveling.  Time flies.  I hadn't realized it had been so long since my last blog.  Perhaps I had nothing to say...  Though recently, I've had more time to reflect on my own personal philosophy of sacred ecology (the subject of a future blog, of course).

After graduation from Portland State University with my Master's in Sustainability Education and certification in Service Learning and an emphasis on Spirituality in Higher Education, I took some time off to spend with my aging parents.  My father was diagnosed with 2 forms of leukemia and was starting chemo therapy in the fall of 2013.  I tried to help get their house ready to sell, but was limited in what I could accomplish due to my mother's "collecting".  They are still in the process of relocating to Texas after 45+ years in Illinois.  Forty-some years of stuff...Ugh.  I have never wanted to have so much stuff that it weighed me down, though I do still own a few boxes back in Portland, Oregon at a kind friend's home.  She lets me store my few wordly possessions there, mostly books...

So, much to my joy and great satisfaction, I spent a lot of time in the outdoors, clearing overgrown woods.  I loved it.  The fall of 2013 was the most colorful I can remember.  Deep crimsons, brilliant reds, glowing yellows and golds, and regal purples covered the landscape.   I was privileged to explore the midwest with friends in the area.  I did some biking with an old high school friend.  We biked along the Illinois River down at Grafton, Illinois and hiked from time to time at Pere Marquette State Park.  Elsah, Illinois is still a quaint colonial-looking village with its stone cottages.  I love wandering the streets of Elsah.  We also visited Principia College, a Christian Scientist stronghold, built along the edge of the cliffs overlooking the confluence of the Mighty Mississippi and the Illinois River.  One of the most gorgeous campuses in the United States...

Winter back in Illinois was delightful.  We had several deep snows and ice storms, which transformed the bare trees into silent, glimmering sentinels.  I love the hush that falls in a deep snow.  Here is nothing on earth to match the gentle hush of fluffy snowflakes gliding to the earth, muffling out all other sounds, except the occasional cardinal.  I even tried my hand at snow sculpting for the first time in my life (outside of the traditional snowman, of course).

I rambled along the trails at Beaver Dam State Park near my parents' old home.   I even witnessed a "bird tornado" or a kettle of birds.  Hundreds of birds swarmed in a tornado-like formation above Beaver Dam's Lake.  Breath-taking...so awesome to behold.

In April of 2014, I moved on to Southern California, where I've done some local hiking in the mountains just behind the house.  My dog, Sammy is now 14 years old.  I can't believe it's already been 6 years since our last great adventure on the via Francigena, from Calais, France to Rome, Italy.  Since 2010, I've been to India twice, and visited England, Belgium (twice), and Cypress.  I feel incredibly privileged to have taken so many "road(s) less traveled", and indeed, it has "made all the difference" (Robert Frost).

For a couple of years now, I've been longing to go to Scotland.  I can't explain why.  I just feel it calling me, much like my trek to Oregon.  I couldn't explain why I felt called to Oregon.  I just did.  I felt it in my spirit.  Oregon was calling me in 2008.  I answered that call in the fall of 2009.

I remember being in Portland in the autumn of 2009, my feet barely touching the sidewalk, as I giddily and gratefully lived out my dream.  Portland and Oregon still hold my heart.  So many wonderful friends...so many solitary saunters along mossy silvan paths...stepping into the rainforest only steps from my gracious home, caring and kind professors who challenged me to expand my world view.

THE NEW ADVENTURE
And now, I get to walk out another dream...trekking through the Highlands of Scotland in June of this year.  I am so grateful to be able to make this once in a lifetime journey.  The West Highland Way is a 96 mile trek through the Loch Lomond National Scenic area, traversing Ben Nevis, one of Scotland's highest mountains.  It is rugged and steep and gorgeous.  It is probably my last long trek with Sammy, my faithful cocker spaniel.     I've got 6 weeks to prepare for the journey, but we have much higher mountains here, so I'm not too concerned.  Though the highlands get loads of snow, the highest peaks there are around only 4,000 feet above sea level.

I wish I could express in words how I just feel such gratitude.  I am overwhelmed at the thought of the freedom of the road.  Traveling with the basic necessities and my faithful dog by my side.  Stripped of most worldly possessions.  There is an incredible freedom of the soul when we strip away the worldly trappings.  It cannot be explained.  It is in the place beyond words...

I'm thrilled to be walking in the birthplace of the "thin places", sacred places where the veil between this physical world and spiritual world is thin.  Though I believe that these thin places are more a reflection of the openness or state of our own hearts, I love the idea of connecting to the Divine through nature.  The Apostle Paul said that God can be known and understood through nature (Romans 1).  I love the motto at Camp Stevens in Julian, CA which reflects my own state of soul: Openness. Gratitude. Connection. Wonder.

I can't even explain my giddiness at the thought of being there in Scotland for midsummer's night.
Perchance to dream... The long, long daylight hours.  To be able to walk slowly from village to village with no urgency to get there before dark, because daylight does not fade till late at night.

WHY GO?  WHY RAMBLE? 
People ask me, "why?".  Why do you always travel alone?  Why do you have to go do such extreme vacations?  Why do you walk such long distances?  I can't seem to find the words to explain what is in my soul.  Only other pilgrims can know what it means to walk, to trek through the magnificence of nature, to slow down, to be a "leather tramp". It's the "wonder", the awe, the curiosity, the joy that drives me to walk the lonely places of this earth.


How can you explain that kind of  joy? It simply is part of your being. It's the reason we can endure hardships. Joy drives us onward. Joy leads us. Jesus suffered the cross and endured its shame for the joy set before him. He knew who he was and where he was going. Joy led him on. That's how I can endure the pain of a long distance trek. It's not just the destination that drives me on, despite sore knees or thirst or just sheer exhaustion at the end of a long day's trekking.   It sounds trite now, I know, but it truly is the joy in the journey, in the discoveries of each new crag, each new vista, each new friend met along these quiet paths.

I suppose I've always been a free spirit. Some of my earliest and most precious memories are of long, quiet strolls through the fields, meadows, and forests of my home in Illinois as a very young child of 4 or 5. I distinctly remember the call of the wild, especially in autumn, somehow calling me to wander, to breathe in the earthy scent of decaying leaves, to embrace the crisp autumn air, to recall the sweltering, deep green heat of summer or the musty scent of tall cornfields.

Lord Byron once wrote: " There is pleasure in the pathless woods, there is rapture in the lonely shore, there is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar; I love not Man the less, but Nature more."

I'm currently reading Thoreau's essays on walking.  Though he starts out a bit too condescendingly, I get what he means about just getting out in nature, taking the slow way, journeying under your own steam.  Even in the 1800's he lamented the shrinking of natural spaces.  I can only imagine how horrified he would be to see the lack of open spaces in our modern world. But I hope to explore those few remaining sacred places while I can. So when others ask me, "why", I answer, "Because I can." For me, that is reason enough. Why not? The day will come, when I can no longer trek in solitude. Until then, I simply walk because I can.

You are not your thoughts...

But your thoughts can sure distract you! 

My sister wrote this reminder in response to my 30 day challenge: "Don't believe everything you think."

Literally, ten seconds before I opened my email account and saw this email, I said to myself as a reminder, "Just because you think something's  so, don't make it so" (said with a strong Southern accent).  I had just re-read Philippians 4:8, "Whatever is TRUE"....

I was thinking about a time when I was younger that God convicted me that I was twisting other people's words and taking offense at things that hadn't even happened.  You know how we role play in our heads? Someone offends us and we start to obsess about the incident and then start practicing conversations... "She will say this nasty thing to me ...and then I'll say this and put her in her place...and then she'll say something really mean to me and I'll be ready with a sharp retort...." kind of thing.... And I was in the middle of a role play in my head, when God reminded me of Phil 4:8.  "Whatever is true..."  I was getting myself all emotionally worked up over an incident that hadn't even occurred  except in my head.  I was carrying the original offense around and letting it eat me up inside, because I wasn't focused on reality.  

Or the time a woman at church came up to me, she was all angry and said, "I need to forgive you."  I was shocked.  I considered her a friend or at least a good acquaintance.  I had never had an unpleasant word with her or ever said anything negative around her or to her.  She said, "Last Sunday, I said 'Hi' to you in the lobby of the church and you just snubbed me."  I had no idea or any recollection of the incident.  I sincerely told her I was sorry she was offended, but that I would never have purposely ignored her.  I asked her if that was typical of her experience with me.  Had she known me to be snobbish before then or a friendly, outgoing person?  She stomped off.  She hadn't really forgiven me.  The offense was all in her head, and I had a feeling she wanted to hang on to it.

Not long ago, I held a small seminar at PSU for students and community members.  An elderly, overweight woman wearing coke-bottle bottom glasses showed up about 40 minutes after we had begun our session.  I welcomed her and invited her to a seat in one of our small group discussions.  She walked with a cane and had numerous large book bags and was trying to balance a plate of food.  As she began to sit down, it was obvious to all of us around her that in her poor depth perception, she going to miss the chair completely.  My sweet friend, Marcus, jumped up to push the chair UNDER her butt.  She saw him out of the corner of her eye and accused him of trying to move the chair out from under her.  He told her that he was trying to help her.  We moved on to the discussion, but she stewed over that moment.  When we all returned to the large group discussion about 20 minutes later, she stood up and denounced all of us, saying that we were basically out to get her and that she didn't appreciate it.  She accused Marcus of trying to pull the chair out from under so as to reject her and keep her from participating in the discussion.  Later, I tried to explain to her that her perception was incorrect.  We had tried to help her.  As she walked away muttering and angry, I realized that if you are looking for a fight, you'll find one.  If you are looking to be offended  you won't be disappointed.  Whatever we expect in others, that's what we'll get (whether it's reality or not, it becomes our reality).  Self-fulfilling prophecy all over again.  Our perceptions create "realities" in our heads, but those realities may not be the whole truth.

Paul said we all see through a glass darkly, we only see in part and know in part.  None of us has the whole truth.  (I Cor 13).  He goes on to say, "No one knows the thoughts of a man, except the spirit of man which is in him" (I Cor. 2:11).  In other words, no one is a mind reader.  To think that we know another's person's thoughts or motivations is pure hubris.  We deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us (I John 1 & 2).

As Eckhart Tolle says in  A New Earth, we get caught up in our own heads, in our thinking and perceptions (ego) so much so that we can convince ourselves that everything we think is right or the only version of reality, when the truth or reality is far from us. People who are depressed or angry or worried all the time can literally change the chemical makeup in their brains, so that they can no longer see the whole picture.  All they see is the world through their warped, negative lens.  Dr Daniel Amen, in Healing the Hardware of the Soul, has done extensive brain imaging research and has found that there is always hope.  There are ways to improve brain health, and thus emotional, spiritual, and relational health.  According to Amen, one of the tools for overcoming brain dysfunction and becoming whole, healthy people is to focus on gratitude.  It is one way to retrain the brain's neuropathways and get out of the old ruts and brain patterns of negativity.

Most of us struggle with this from time to time.  My goal is to recognize those old ways of thinking and to be proactive about seeing a bigger picture, to be open to other perspectives, to make a point of understanding, not just trying to prove myself "right".

Are our thoughts controlling us or can we control our thoughts?  What kinds of realities are we creating with our expectations?  The Bible says, "as a man thinks in his heart, so is he."  Proverbs 3 says that if we want to live life as healthy, prosperous, attractive people, we must be loving and faithful ("this will win you favor and a good name with God AND people", vs. 4), humble and open to other perspectives, discerning and wise, gracious and generous.  The reward for living like this and having this kind of attitude is "health to your body and nourishment to your bones",  "they will be life for you and an ornament to grace your neck, Then you will go on in safety" (vs. 22-23), and we will have God's blessing and grace and confidence to know that God will honor those who live with integrity.  

Today's goal is to create a gratitude list.  Focus on what you have.  Focus on something good or kind or funny.  Focus on how you want others to perceive you.  Dr Amen (2002) writes, "Focus on people, events, and things you are grateful for each day.  Direct your mind to the good things in your life-- to your health, your relationships, your joys, your interests, your abilities.  If you are depressed, your mind will naturally turn to negative feelings, thoughts, and ideas.  Training your mind to focus on gratitude will have a profound effect on your mood and health" (p.202, Healing the Hardware of your Soul).  He goes on to say that "people are as contagious as viruses" (p.202).  

We can infect others with our verbal vomiting or we can infect them with joy!  Let us choose joy and life and wholeness today.

Verbal vomiting disease and hope for a cure!

Hi all!

Hope you are doing well.  I know most of us are in the midst of a transition right now which often brings great anxiety. I've been feeling like I need another 30 day happiness experiment.  The point of this exercise is to spend 30 days focusing on the glass half full (or even abundantly filled and overflowing), rather than focusing on the negative (or lack or what we don't have or can't do).

I know this made a huge change in my life in 2009.  In June 2009, I determined to spend 30 days "fasting" all negative thoughts and focusing on the kind of life and relationships I wanted. More than anything, I knew I needed to change my stinkin' thinkin'. I recognized that I had fallen into the rut of thinking "I can't" about everything, like "I can't get a job.  I can't lose weight.  I'm stuck.  I can't...."  I had an excuse for why I couldn't do almost everything.

But as you probably recall, I had a dream, an epiphany in which I dared to believe that maybe Jesus wasn't lying when he said that our words had power: the power of life and death, the power to move mountains when coupled with our faith, that nothing was impossible for those who believe, that ALL things were possible, that we could tell a fig tree to shrivel up and die or speak life to it, and it would happen.  I realized that if I did not change my thought process, my life would continue to be one big, negative, self-fulfilling prophecy.  

Even though I did not see actual, physical change in my circumstances for 3+ months, I fully believe that it changed the way I saw the world and I was a much more joyful and attractive person because I was happy.  And my circumstances did change, too, eventually, thanks to some of you who helped.  By the end of October 2009, I had moved to Portland, moved into a fabulous home within walking distance of university, and had a graduate assistantship which paid my tuition and a small stipend (which covers my rent and phone bill).  All of which I had prayed for and thanked God for in advance.  

I know it might sound like "name it and claim it" theology, but even the media understands the power of words to bring to life or death and to change or shape realities.

What kind of person do you want to be?  How do you want to be remembered?

Do you look like a grumpy face? 

Or like a jubilant person? 

 

So I'm asking you to join me for 30 days of finding things to laugh about, rejoicing, gratitude, and no complaining or negative thoughts.  If you have a negative thought, do as the apostle Paul suggested, "take every thought captive", acknowledge it and move on.  Don't stay there and let it fester and become a cancer in your soul. Deuteronomy says "let no root of bitterness spring up among you and so defile many."  In other words, spreading my bitterness around and grumbling and complaining is like a contagious nasty disease. I call it V.V. disease. Verbal Vomiting.  Gross!  Instead, the Bible instructs us to "choose life that you may live."

I, personally, apologize for contributing to this disease by judging and complaining and saying negative things.  But, it's time for a fresh start, a new beginning. The key to stopping the old negative thinking though, is to replace it with fresh, positive, grateful thinking.  So if you're having trouble blocking out all those fears, worries, anxieties, anger, and bitterness, begin by focusing on what you are grateful for.  You can find at least one thing for which you are grateful.  For me, it's as simple as "I'm grateful for a roof over my head and a cup of coffee."  Focus on what you have.  No more thinking about what you aren't or what you don't have.  I'm grateful I have body which works.  I can walk, see, talk, hear, communicate, etc.  I'm alive.  

If you want to join me, I am reading through the book of Philippians every day for the next 30 days.  It's only 4 chapters long but it is rich and powerful and full of hope and pure joy. It's about humility and perseverance, overcoming the "impossibles", and purposely choosing our thoughts, controlling our words, forgetting the past, and being transformed into the kind of people we want to be.

If you want to shine like a star in the universe, if you want to be attractive and inspiring to others, read Philippians chapter 2 for the key!

You might be skeptical and think I'm a nut job or just plain wacky, but I know that I'm a happier, more content person when I dare to see the possibilities in the universe rather only the impossibilities.  I dare you to try this with me for 30 days.  What can it hurt?  At the very least, you, too, will be happier and more pleasant and attractive because you aren't verbally vomiting on other people like I have done.  

I love you all and appreciate you and am believing the best for you.

Life on purpose 2013

So hard to believe that it has been nearly a year since I posted in Happy Snowflake Dance!  In January and February of this year, I headed back to south India to act as program coordinator and co-instructor for Service-Learning in India,  graduate level courses in international service-learning, through Portland State University.  The first course (4 grad credits) took just over 2 weeks, while the 2nd course (also 4 credits) was a more intensive 5-day class at RUSS Foundation.  We had a wonderful, powerful group of women this year, making the experience rich and insightful on a whole new level.

I'll post more soon about the details of the trip.  I'm currently writing a paper on spirituality in international service-learning, focused on "cultivating the sacred".

It's nearing the end of March, most of my family is in transition, as am I...and it feels like time again for another 30 day happiness experiment; time to focus on what I want, and how and who I want to be in this world.  I hope my family will join me in this journey.

As always, I still believe that gratitude changes everything.  If not our circumstances (which I think it can do that, too, on some level, if only in the way others perceive us or respond to us), it changes our perceptions of the world.  As old Zig Ziglar used to say, sometimes you've got to "change your stinkin' thinkin'."

I've been reading the book of Philippians again and finding great inspiration and hope.

So here's to another 30 days of changing perceptions, daring to dream, living life on purpose, and changing our own realities.

Life updates and stuff...

Back to grindstone....writing another newsletter for my office today and trying to finalize a few tasks before heading down to campus later this afternoon.  Then, I have to get back to writing and revising my final Comprehensive Exam paper...and I have 2 other short papers to write before tomorrow's class on International Environmental Law and Policy.  It's pub night tonight at Rogue Hall with the new batch of student leaders.  I can't help but think of the Inklings group (made famous by Oxford scholars like C.S. Lewis, G.K. Chesterton, and J.R.R. Tolkien) as they gathered once a week at their local pub to discuss their work and life.

Just sent out invitations to the graduation party in June. Finally graduating with my master's degree in Educational Leadership & Policy, with a focus on Leadership for Sustainability Education.

I'm getting excited about starting my doctoral studies in the fall and I'll be completing a graduate certificate in Service-Learning.

As much as I want to go home and visit everyone this summer, I dread the road trip.  Three solid days of driving by myself to Mom and Dad's, then the trip to Houston.  But I'll try to stop over in Arkansas and Tulsa on my way down to Houston...I can go see Beth (my oldest and dearest friend) and then head over to Tulsa to see old friends before I visit my brother and sister.  Then, I'll go over to Austin for a day or so to see Nancy, Phil, and Don (more good friends).  

Then, it's the long trek back to Oregon with my belongings....or maybe I can find a way to ship my stuff to my home in Portland.  Not sure my car can take another trip across the mountains fully loaded down with books and belongings.  So, I should be in Illinois in August for a couple of weeks or so, then down to Texas for a couple of weeks, then back to Oregon by mid-September.

I love how life is so serendipitous at times.  You know how things seem to revolve around a theme at times?  I've fallen in love with living adventures and pilgrimage treks.  There's just something about walking a new path, exploring the possibilities, discovering something about yourself along the journey... and as you know, I've been contemplating walking the Camino in Spain.  I just talked to my friend Kristin in San Francisco (Oakland).  She is Ruth Marie's cousin.  Anyhooo, Kristin and her other cousin, Julie, just went out to New Mexico for a weekend getaway.  Apparently, Julie lives in Hollywood and has a weekend cabin in New Mexico.  So they were down there last weekend and guess whom they met?  You won't believe it.  Emilio Estevez and Martin Sheen!  Emilio was turning 50 and they bumped into them at the family vineyard.  Too bad Kristin hadn't seen 'The Way' yet!   I almost fell out of my chair when she told me.  Happy 50th birthday, Emilio!  Loved the movie!  It's been a big year for friends and family turning 50 this year.  Seems like a watershed kind of year for folks.  

Now Kristin is determined to watch "The Way"...and maybe she'll consider walking it with me next summer, 2013.  I'm still aching to walk another pilgrimage, but I suppose it can wait another summer.  I remember when I first read about the via francigena (the old Canterbury Trail) in 2007.  I read some young guy's blog and I thought, "Wow!  I'd love to do that some day..."  Well, I was able to complete that 1,100 mile trek in 2010.  Now, I'm ready to experience the road MORE traveled, since I've already walked the road less traveled.  Hopefully, I'll be able to convince a few friends to join me along the way in summer 2013!  The more the merrier!

Here's hoping this summer is full of promise, faith, and dreams fulfilled for you and your family...and that your trails are happy ones.

Cheers,

"Gigi"

Dreaming of the Camino

I just saw "The Way" with Martin Sheen and written and produced by Emilio Estevez.  LOVED it!  Just ordered copies for everyone in my family.  I know my family does not understand this drive, this desire to walk pilgrim treks.  Maybe if they watch The Way, they will discover that everyone who walks a pilgrimage walks for his/her own personal reasons.

I remember seeing this quote along the via francigena in 2010 by Antonio Machado, "Caminante, no hay camino.  Se hace camino al andar."  (Translation: Travelers, there is no path, paths are made by walking.)

It's true.  Over the last three years, I've been learning step-by-step to let go of destinations and to embrace the process.  The only way to know the road is to walk it, to discover it by experience. And what I've learned along the way is that people may pleasantly surprise you if you give them a chance.

Like the main character in The Way, I found an amazing kinship with perfect strangers as I walked the old Canterbury Trail.  From the Dutch couple to the fabulous, kindhearted Belgians and French people who took me in along the way...to the gracious Italians who welcomed me with open arms and bottles of cold water and food for me and for my dog...and stories shared over cups of cappucino...I found my faith restored.  I didn't start out as a religious pilgrim.  But I found my faith in God, in his design for the universe, and in the kindness of strangers which exceeded all of my expectations.  And the friendships which were forged through the hardship of that pilgrimage continue to take deep root in my heart.

No matter which pilgrimage trek you choose, I wish you Buen Camino (Bonne Route) and endearing friendships along the way.